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Difficult Parents

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Calix, Mar 15, 2014.

  1. Calix

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    I joined yesterday and already posted a little and met a few people. Everyone on this site seems really nice and I'm glad I joined :slight_smile:

    I'll try to keep this rant short as I have a tendency to ramble. Four/five weeks ago I told my parents/close friends that I stopped fighting myself and was accepting I was a guy and going to take steps to change my physical appearance. All the friends I've told have been fine with it and supportive. My parents on the other hand ...

    My dad has said that they love and support me no matter what, but he refuses to refer to me as a guy or use the name I ask, as does my mum. I don't know about my brother, we've never been close before this so I have no way to know how he's reacting to this.

    The worst bit is that my parents refuse to completely accept it until I've seen someone, they're so certain a psychiatrist will get into my head and find the 'real' problem and 'fix' me, and it hurts that they feel this way. I don't feel like they'll ever be able to accept the real me when the transition begins.

    To make matters worse my dad keeps asking me what I'll do if the doctors tell me I'm not trans, and he's asked it so much that now I'm worrying they'll say just that. I've been dealing with these feeling for two years and I keep pointing that out, but they continue to act like this is some snap decision that I'll regret later. They asked me not to tell more people and keep it to myself and I have. I just hope they can handle it when the doctors do let me transition. They also keep asking me to move back in with them, and while it'll be easier financially, I'm not sure I can live with people who won't acknowledge the person I really am.

    I've tried getting them to check out sites/read books, but they refuse. I even got the contact details for another trans friends parent so they could try talking to someone in a similar situation, but my mum just threw it in the bin. I'm at a total loss of what I'm meant to do.

    Anybody got any advice?
     
  2. BookDragon

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    How good are you with confrontation, because I can offer you some reasonably solid advice but it WILL end in a confrontation and you WILL need to be able to hold your own.

    Before I do that, I'm going to address a few specific things you mentioned that are bothering you.

    "dad keeps asking me what I'll do if the doctors tell me I'm not trans"

    There are a couple of things worth understanding here. Firstly, the most a doctor can say is the thinks your feelings are caused by some condition or other.

    Remember of course that being 'trans' basically means that you feel your gender doesn't match your body. They doctor can't tell you that isn't true, all they can do is believe the things you say and treat accordingly. Moreover, I've found Cambridgeshire mental health to be very helpful people. When I saw them the first thing they said to me was that they would refer me and that he was certain the only reason they sent me here was to prolong having to pay for things. If you tell people honestly how you feel you don't need to fear them, they are there to help you after all.

    Another thing worth noting is that even if the doctor DID tell you that you're not trans, it's not like the feelings will just go away. That's when you write a formal complaint and go see a different doctor.


    "They asked me not to tell more people and keep it to myself and I have"
    Ask yourself this. WHY did you agree to that? I'm not going any further with this explanation I just want you to think about it for a moment.


    "They also keep asking me to move back in with them"
    Don't. Trust me, living with people who won't accept who you are is hell.


    Right, I've done that bit. So, how well do you handle conflict?
     
  3. rainmustfall

    rainmustfall Guest

    Yeah whatever you do, don't move back in with them. If anything, the more independence you can gain from them the better off you will be. And while I can't advise on telling people or not, the more people who you trust that know the stronger your support system will be, and the more help you will get. This gives you more options and puts you in a far, FAR better position to get where you want to with your life.
     
  4. Calix

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    I think I handle conflict okay. Though when my dad started crying in front of me over this I didn't know what to do and just kind of stood there uselessly :/ I've mostly kept it quiet because I don't want anyone at work accidentally finding out before I'm ready. I've already decided I'll wait until I'm starting HRT (or the RLE experience if they insist on it) before telling my workplace. I work for the NHS, so I'm pretty sure my workplace will be fine with it.
     
  5. BookDragon

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    OK let's have a think then.

    I want to make it clear now, that the first person I came out to was my mum, and it did not go well. Everything in this list has come either from my attempts to repair our relationship or from things I've used to tell other people. There are some things in it that perhaps you feel like you've already done or you know. All I ask is that you read all of it, and consider trying the things on the list because I promise you they will be of some help to you.


    So first, some things to consider - feel free to correct anything I say at any time.

    1. Your parents are (in theory) thinking about your 'best' interests
    2. Your parents don't know what your best interests are
    3. Your parents are in shock
    4. Your parents are ignoring your feelings
    5. Your parents probably think they are helping
    6. Your parents may say things now that they don't necessarily mean.

    So from the sounds of things you are confident that this IS going to happen. As I said before, that confidence is what gets you through the doctors appointments, gets you past mental health, gets you to the medicine man. So as far as you are concerned the process has started and it isn't going to stop.

    Your parents on the other hand have just experienced this thing that has come out of nowhere. Trust me, you could have been acting like a boy your entire life, never shown any interest in being female and it has still come from nowhere. Think back to when you started questioning your gender and think how massive and insane the idea was. Now when you thought of it, it was happening TO YOU. You had all the feelings right there in your head, so you knew how it affected you and even if you didn't understand WHY you felt like this, you knew that you definitely felt this way and needed to do something about it. They don't have that. In fact they don't have anything that even relates to that.

    So for this reason, I advise you to write those things down. Write down all the feelings, all the fears, everything. If it relates to your gender get it down on paper or on your computer or wherever. Understand at this point it is ONLY for you to see (or us if you feel like sharing it) so even if it's embarrassing, write it down.

    For me I had all sorts of things. I went from not liking body hair, to sitting on the loo, looking at the girls underwear between my legs and wondering why the hell it took so long for me to realise what I needed. It's taken a long while for me to feel comfortable admitting that last one to other people but it is a really strong emotion.

    Write everything you can think of and then you can fully appreciate just how much better prepared you are than them.

    Now personally I think it is vitally important for those closest to you to understand your feelings before you try and get them to do anything. The reason for this is because ultimately the people who care about you want what is best for you.

    When I came out to my grandparents, one thing was made alarmingly clear to me. As far as they knew, I was a perfectly happy man. They had no idea every morning I would wake up and the first thing I would do is count the ways I could end my life. Actually, they still don't know the extent of it because I think it would destroy them if they found out. They both told me that they thought this was a terrible idea. My granddad told me "It will just cause problems for you". Now I know he loves me, and he is looking out for me in some respects, but that is when it hit me. The man has NO idea the problems I face every day just by being awake. He doesn't know that sometimes when I look down I want to cry. He doesn't know the reason I've had no pride in my appearance for the past few years was because I could never be happy presenting as male.

    To him, it seemed like I would go from being basically happy, to getting taunted and bullied and harassed and he couldn't take that.

    So instead of approaching your parents from the perspective of "I am a man, now hear this..." try telling them how it feels to be stuck as a woman. If it takes a while for them to listen so be it. If they refuse, write to them. Write a letter on the computer (trust me, do NOT do it by hand) and send it to them. Tell them your feelings. The reason I say do it on the computer is because you want to be able to send it over and over again. If they throw it away, you print another and you hand it to them, you look them in the eye and tell them that if they really care about you, then they will read it. If you have to sit there and watch them do it, you do so.

    It took months to get my mum to listen to my feelings. She still ignores them most of the time, but she has accepted me as me. It took arguments and tears and time.

    When they understand your feelings, or at least acknowledge them, comes the time for assertiveness.

    At this point you make it clear that this is not something they have a say in, because it isn't something you can change. There is one phrase that will hurt like hell for them, but if it needs to be said, then say it. "I am no longer your daughter". Personally I like to get a bit poetic and would follow up with "Embrace me as your son or set me free" but that is probably why people don't like arguing with me so I don't necessarily recommend it. :slight_smile:

    Because that is the truth. Even now you are not their daughter. That doesn't mean you don't want to be part of their family, and you need to make that clear. Because this is not a rejection of them, it is an acceptance of YOU.

    Ask them questions. Ask them "What do you like about me". They will list. My mum thought she would name things about my body, and I called her a liar. I called her a liar to her face and the looked wounded. I explained to her that if my personality where in another body I really believe she would still love me. If I was exactly the same but in my brothers body she would love me. If I was exactly the same and in my best friends body she would love me. My body is not me. I then repeated the things she said about my personality. I told her how she had said that I was caring and kind and good with children. I shouted at her because I was angry and demanded to know why she thought that would change.

    She had no answer.

    I then told her I had the possibility to wake up in the morning and be happy. The chance to take pride in my appearance and actually feel like I want to speak to people and be kind. Transitioning was bring out the absolute best in me and that is exactly what she has been wanting my entire life.

    I asked her again, why is this a bad thing?

    That should give you something to think about for a while.
     
  6. Calix

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    What you said about your grandparents made me remember something. My parents at the moment are the only family members trying to 'stop' me as it were. My aunt told my dad to back off and let me do my thing. My fav cousin is perfectly fine with it and wants me to be happy. And my nan just wanted to double-check that I knew all the risks involved, especially of negative reactions from strangers. My mum's side of the family know nothing though and my mum says she'll tell them herself if the doctors let me transition. I just feel ready to post some big post on FB or something saying it so that everyone knows - but that'd definitely mean my work would know >.<

    I did write a letter and posted it to the writing forum I'm on. I didn't realise my dad was still reading myself and he called later that day and made me promise never to show ti to mum because it would break her heart. It's really difficult because when I talk to my friends, they keep telling me to give my parents more time. I realise they mean well, but they really don't understand what it's like for me.

    I'm going to try the personality traits thing with my parents when they next talk about losing their little girl >.>;;

    It's funny, when I made this decision my biggest fear were my parents reactions and my bf breaking up with me. He has, but he's staying as a close friend and supporting me. Which is good since we live together. I've had horrible dark thoughts after it all, but mostly I'm just more determined to do this and make my parents see the real me.

    Sorry, I'll stop ranting now xD
     
  7. BookDragon

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    See that's the second time you've said this now:

    if the doctors let me transition

    I just want to make sure that you do realise that you don't HAVE to get doctors approval to transition, right? I mean you need it for HRT and surgery, but you can socially transition and live as a man without needing to ever speak to a doctor...

    Whether you know it or not, I would put some thought into that phrase, because you've used it twice now and I wonder how much it is in your head without you realising it. I know you got your hair cut and you've told a few people, but I don't want you to go away thinking you need somebodies permission to do this.

    As for showing your mum the letter, yes it might break her heart, but you know what, perhaps it needs to be broken.

    My mum has always had a really negative view of me. She loves me and I know it, BUT she has always noticed my faults and been very aware of them and brings them up a lot. She always tells me I should try and improve myself.

    When I told her I thought I was a girl, all of a sudden I was a saint. The picture she painted of her son sounded like some perfect child that I know full well I am not. I know I broke her repeatedly when I told her my feelings, because she felt like I was rejecting my past entirely. She told me once that she hated me a bit because all the memories she had from my childhood were a lie. But actually, it needed breaking because she was idealising something that never was. I was never and would never have been the perfect son she claimed to love when I tried to persuade her to love her new daughter. That person never existed, not because I reject the past but because she wanted to hold on to the old me so desperately that she was prepared to overlook all my faults and pretend I was absolutely perfect how I was.

    I had to shatter that image repeatedly before I could get her to see me as her little girl (or great big giant girl but whatever!). Her heart had to be broken so I, Holly, her daughter, could repair it and we could have a decent mother-daughter relationship.
     
  8. Calix

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    I know I don't need a doctor to be a guy and can socially transition, but I want to physically transition as well to better match how I feel inside. Which is probably a given. Me and my mother were never close either, she'd always point out faults. I think I need to find a way to talk to my mum without my dad around. The few chances I've had she's insisted on rambling about something completely unrelated and I haven't been able to get a word in. Next time I see them I'll just say what I have to say. Whatever happens, I'm independent.