This isn't so much a question or a request for advice, as it is a story and an observation. I wasn't sure where to post it, as the boy in question isn't really a friend, and isn't part of the family, but I guess it qualifies as an odd relationship of sorts. My daughters are involved with an organization that offers activities for kids from grade school through high school. There's a high school senior involved with several of the same projects as they are, who is remarkably annoying. He has rather poor social skills, doesn't understand personal boundaries, talks non-stop at people more than with them, and shares way more than he should. The problem? He seems to gravitate far more towards me than anyone else. And I think he's gay. I can't put my finger on anything specific about him. The type of girls who hang around him are something of a giveaway; they're the type who 50 years ago would have swooned over Liberace. He has very few male friends, has dated a few very unremarkable girls, but also seems to be pretty obsessed with sex. But the kid totally sets off my gaydar, and I'm usually fairly perceptive that way. Over the past few months, as I've gotten more and more loose and comfortable with myself, he has made more and more efforts to seek me out (and I'm not a leader or anything; I'm there because my wife and daughters are there). Yesterday I deliberately avoided even making eye contact with him, yet he sought me out and climbed up the bleachers to sit next to me and talk incessantly about nothing in particular. I don't particularly like him. but.... as a gay man who has spent most of my life in the closet out of fear and general discomfort and lack of gay role models, I feel like there should be something I can do for this kid, if in fact he's looking for a positive role model of some kind. I'm not particularly obviously gay, and so far only my wife, daughters and a few co-workers and relatives know. But I do stick out like a sore thumb amongst the rural types who are part of this organization, so I suppose it's possible that this is just him gravitating to the one who doesn't belong. He's made a few strange comments, however, that almost give me the impression he might be gay, and suspects I am as well. Which is where I start to feel uncomfortable.... As someone who has basically taken the closet door off its hinges and is standing in the doorway surveying the scenery, the specter of pedophilia makes me wildly uncomfortable. I am not into boys. But a newly-out gay dad would be an easy target. I have absolutely, 1000% no interest in this boy. But I'm very torn, because my instinct is to reach out to this boy, but if I do, I'm taking quite a definite risk if, a) he's NOT gay after all, or b) he actually has some interest in me that isn't EVER gonna happen, and it makes him angry, and he retaliates. It's an awkward position to be in, wanting to reach out to someone in a general, helpful way, but knowing that it could backfire horribly. Anyone else have similar situations?
Maybe, as you become more comfortable with your sexuality, you might consider forming an LGBT support group, that way you could help other LGBT people and at the same time reinforce that your only motives are to help others. However, I don't feel like you're too comfortable with something like that, so I'd just suggest all interactions you have with this boy be in public and visible areas. If he requests your audience, make sure you do not meet him alone -- bring a family member, which should help to banish the possibilities of rumors and accusations against you. ---------- Post added 16th Mar 2014 at 10:28 PM ---------- Maybe, as you become more comfortable with your sexuality, you might consider forming an LGBT support group, that way you could help other LGBT people and at the same time reinforce that your only motives are to help others. However, I don't feel like you're too comfortable with something like that, so I'd just suggest all interactions you have with this boy be in public and visible areas. If he requests your audience, make sure you do not meet him alone -- bring a family member, which should help to banish the possibilities of rumors and accusations against you.
I started a similar thread last summer when a high school boy came to do a summer science research internship at my lab. He set off my radar pretty fast, but luckily he was very shy and tried to be subtle. Eventually, we did become friendly and talked to each other, and I think he understood I might be gay. In the end, I didn't contact him after he finished the internship because I thought it would seem inappropriate since he went to a Catholic private school and I didn't want the university to get in trouble for having a grad student contact a "closeted" high schooler. In your case, I agree that you should not see this boy outside of public areas. Still, you can still be supportive without explicitly revealing your sexuality, letting him know it's safe to tell you any of his concerns.
I think it's awesome that you feel like you can do something for this kid. I know for a fact that I would have greatly appreciated talking to an older gay man when I was just emerging from the closet. So many feelings I would have liked to discuss, desires, etc. You're absolutely right though - things could get bad fast, he could become much too vulnerable, people could talk, etc. But I think the likelihood of those things happening is slim. If you want to help this kid, just keep being you. Be friendly and let him sit and talk to you. Talk to him about whatever. You don't have to bring up the topic of sexuality. If it's something that he wants to discuss, he'll bring it up. You don't need to incite anything. Taking Saint Otaku's advice about staying in public places is a good idea too. I was in a similar situation a few years ago, me being the kid of course. I always ate lunch in a teacher's room during middle school when I was just coming out of the closet. We weren't good friends at the start, but we'd make small talk. We talked more and more, and I became more comfortable with her. I sensed she was accepting of LGBT youth, so I asked her some questions about sexuality, and talked about whether I was gay. Her and I hung out after school, ate lunch together, and we're still close friends today. Having someone to just talk to was incredibly comforting. I could talk about anything with her. I have no doubt that talking to her made me much more comfortable with myself as a gay man. You can do the same for this boy. You're obviously cautious. You know what's right and wrong. I don't think there's much of a chance that you'll mess this up. Again - us LGBT youth need more people like you. I hope you decide to keep being friendly and talking to this kid.
I fully expect to keep running into him, since our paths cross frequently, and he does seek me out. As long as it's in public, I think I'll just let him talk as much as he chooses to, and see what eventually spills out. He is very brash and rude (his mother is the same way), but I feel like he might be reaching out, and it's not going to hurt anything to be patient and kind....
If he's gay, it would be normal for him to have a crush on you, as the first gay guy he's run into. So, If and when the time comes that he does come out to you, it should be a fairly simple matter to just set very clear boundaries the first time he makes even a subtle hint. I've had a few teen or early 20s guys who have come on to me now and again who are early in the coming out process, and I usually just say something to the effect of "I'm really flattered, but my role for you is to be your friend. Our relationship will never be anything other than that, as much as you might want something different. Not because you're unattractive or someone wouldn't find you to be a good catch, but because it's important that our roles remain as they are, solely as friends, and that's a boundary that will never be broken." He may be hurt, but if you stay engaged, steer him toward people his own age, and remind him that you can be his friend and help him, and he'll ultimately be much happier with that... he will eventually thank you for it.
