So some of you may know I've recently started my quest to find a partner, because I can be brave, who says I can't. Anyway, I don't have a 'type' exactly, just a handful of fantasies and a sincere hope that SOMEONE will like me eventually. My mum and I share a lot of traits I'd rather we didn't. Not because I don't love my mum, but because if I end up like her in the future I will cry and never stop. I shall explain. So when my mum was married to my dad, it was apparently totally crap. She felt like she wasn't supported in the marriage, she also felt that her feelings were completely ignored (and if she is telling the truth when she tells the story, then they absolutely were) and she felt lonely, even though she was married. Anyway she then cheated on my dad with some guy. My parents got divorced, mum moved in with this random guy for a bit. Didn't take long for mum to realise that this guy was wrong for her and she moved out. Fast forward to what...12 years ago and mum met my step-dad. For the life of me I do not know WHY my mum married this man. He is an ill-tempered man-child. He has his moments and he has helped support my brother and me and I thank him for that, however, most of the time he is a pathetic excuse for a father and an exceptionally bad husband. Recently my mum half admitted that the reason she is still with him is because she doesn't want to put my sisters (well, half sisters) through the same thing she put my brother and I through. In her own words she doesn't want to "fail again". She said she did these things because she was alone and desperate and miserable and barely able to survive after paying my dad child support. Anyway, currently, I see a lot of similarities between mum and me. I am lonely. I am desperate. I really really want someone to share my life with and to help me through things, and therein lies the problem. If I end up with someone like my step-dad (doesn't matter the gender, just personality-wise), I will kill myself. Or them. Or both. Point is if I found myself in my mums situation I would no longer want to live. Sounds harsh, but I could not and would not deal with that. But that's the problem. I actually am scared of dying alone, I really don't want to be alone at all. BUT I don't want to find myself in a position where I have overlooked significant flaws in a person I know I can't deal with just to avoid being alone. My self confidence is...well almost none. I know I'm a nice person and I know I would make a really good girlfriend for someone BUT what I cannot do is persuade myself that anybody cares. I worry that most people will never get past my appearance. Then I worry that those who do, a solid chunk will not get past my gender. The I worry that it will leave me with nobody, or worse, one or two people who are basically OK, but with a couple of major flaws that I cannot abide, and I will have to go with them or I'll die alone. I'm not sure if their is a question here, I'm just not sure what to do.
I actually feel for you. Dying alone is one of my biggest fears. This is super cliché, but people really do care that you're a nice person. Another thing is that loneliness and desperation are not personality traits unless you let them. It would probably help to really get to know somebody before you date them. That way, you aren't just flinging yourself into a relationship just for the relationship. You'll also know if you actually like this person/can deal with their flaws (which is kind of the same thing). You should get into a relationship because you really like them, at the bare minimum. I really like the beginning of your post. Who says you can't be brave? Not me, that's for darn sure! Best of luck!(*hug*)
I'm 46. Divorced. Out for a year. I am very lonely but I also know I need to do a lot of "me work" before I am ready for a relationship. I have baggage to get rid of. Low self esteem to raise and well lots of other stuff. I want to be putting out positive happy energy when I am ready to date because that is what I want to attract. I don't want to settle just so I am not alone. At your age I was single and very deeply hidden in my closet. You are very brave (even though you feel scared) to accept and be who you are at 23. Give yourself time. Keep yourself busy with hobbies. Someone told me knitting is a stress reliever. Really. Signing up for a class. Focus on you and finding things that make you happy. The right person will come along. Don't settle. You deserve someone as awesome as you are! (*hug*)
This feels familiar. I'm constantly worried nobody would be interested in me the moment they find out I'm trans. I'd like to think I wouldn't stick around with someone who'd treat me badly. I'm not too worried about it for the moment, more the future. I'd rather wait 2-3 years until I look more like a guy, just cause I'd never have the confidence as I am to ever approach someone >.>
