About 10 months ago I started dating my girlfriend. She is the love of my life and I know that I want to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her. Recently she found out how many guys I have slept with in the past and is saying that it is something she can't and won't ever get over. She says that every time we have sex she thinks about my past. I can't help my heterosexual past and it is not something that I can change. What do I do or say when she is feeling like this? We had a conversation about it this morning and I ended up saying that the first time we slept together I wasn't sure what it was. Coming from a heterosexual past I wasn't sure I considered it sex at the time. After just a short while dating her I know that it was sex and I whole heartedly consider us to be having sex. I tried to tell her that people grow and develop who they are and how they view things. That whole conversation did not end well and now I am scared I lost the best thing to ever happen to me. She is my whole heart and I lover her so much! How do I fix this?
Maybe you shouldn't have told her that you didn't consider it to be sex the first time (considering your view did change, which is good)....it seems like she reacted badly to it. I wonder if combined with that she may be feeling jealous about your past? A lot of lesbians can get insecure when it comes to men. I would suggest talking to her again.
This may take some time. I think what you said may have hurt her, as saying things about lesbian sex can definitely hit a nerve. I would work on reassuring her, both with words in actions that you love her. Not just in the bedroom, but make a real effort to understand where she is at, what she is feeling, and why she feels that way. Don't crowd her space but actively listen to her and work on gaining some trust. Your past is a part of you, and a lot of lesbians have a history of being hurt by people who claim to be straight but play with their hearts. This isn't really about you, it's just something that is often a scar on the hearts of many people who do not identify as straight. The more you prove that you really care and are there for you, the more she will heal.
Thanks for the feedback! I do know that she has only had one girlfriend in the past and she also identified as straight. I know that she ended up leaving after they had sex for the first time. They dated for three years and then she went back to her ex boyfriend. Maybe her insecurity is coming from that. I am not sure what to say at this point. I know that it must have hurt that I didn't think it was sex the first time. I told her that my views have changed but I think she was too hurt to really hear me.
I think this is where the insecurity of men comes from in the lesbian community. I know a lot of us don't hate anybody who likes/has slept with men, but It's more so when they say lesbian sex isn't sex (While having experiences with men) that we get insecure and compare ourselves to those men as if we can't be good enough. That belief can cause a lot of emotional damage to real lesbians and that is probably what she's going through right now. I know you said your view changed, which is a good thing, but if she didn't know this in the past It's understandable she may have feelings of betrayal and why she refuses to listen at the moment. Being really upset can cloud judgement. So who knows? Maybe she'll come around if she later understands.
I understand that she might be feeling insecure about my past because she feels like she is doing the best she can but it's not good enough for me. This is not the case at all. She is everything I ever dreamed of and more. There is nothing that I want for in our relationship and I never feel like there is something missing in our sex life. Yeah I think she probably shut down before I had a chance to expand what I was saying. I guess I should just give her time before I try and talk to her again? I never meant to hurt her!
Don't worry, I'm definitely not blaming you; just trying to understand what may have happened :c I think since you're in a good mindset now with how you feel she'll eventually realize that. I really wish you the best of luck.
I don't think it's a lesbian thing about hearing a partners sexual history. Most straight people I know don't want to think about the person they're having sex with has had sex with a lot of other people, regardless of who it is. The more important thing is hearing or thinking that the sex that you're doing is somehow not as real or important than with some other person. In fact, it would be better for the other person if they thought the exact opposite, that the sex with the opposite sex was less important or less fulfilling or enjoyable than with your current partner. (if that is in effect true of course) Really though, the most important part of a relationship shouldn't be just sex anyway. Who you or her was with before isn't important, it's who you choose to be with now.
First your past is your past! With that being said talking about it is not going to give her a sense of security it is only going to push her further from you. Take this and explore her at a different angle. You need to reassure her of the love you have for her. Embrace what you have not what you had in the past. She might be hurt from what you said but we grow from things that hurt us. Again you have to reassure her that your relationship with her means the world to you and that she means every thing to you. You have an up road battle but it can be won. You have to win her heart back.
If I were you I would apologize for saying you didn't see it as sex because that hurts us lesbian and even anger us when a girl we're dating says she doesn't see what we do in bed as sex . but apologize let her know your very sorry about it and that your willing to grown and learn from this . some people have a hard time getting over their partner's sexual past but at least you were honest . Maybe buy her some flowers or something do something special for her, maybe draw her a nice bath when she comes home from work cook her dinner maybe .
Thank you so much fallingdown7 you have given me some great things to think about. And thanks for sending some luck my way! It really is the more fulfilling and more special and better than any sex I had before and I try to tell her that without bringing up other people. I don't want to compare her to people in my past because she so surpasses any of them in every way. There's no reason and no basis for comparison. I will try and continue to tell her how I feel about her and reassure her that I am not going anywhere. I'll keep apologizing and hope that we can grow from this. I know I have grown into a better person through knowing and dating her. I hope that we can eventually be okay. I'm prepared for a long uphill battle to win her heart back especially if it means I'll still be with her in the end!
It's a shame that she's forcing her insecurities on you but some people test others. It's clear to everyone here that she is the person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life with and, in time, she'll see that too. You just need patience and perseverance. You'll get through this so keep your chin up. (^_~)
Yeah, I think you had the point down that I was more so trying to make. It's not as if the partner's past history is a lesbian thing, It's that the fear of heteronormativity is a lesbian thing. Straight people definitely have insecurities over a partner's past history, but the difference is that they generally don't have the feelings that those people had "real sex" with their now partner. If they do have those feelings It's in a different way entirely; lesbian sex is still marginalized by society, hetero sex is not. I don't think I'd ever forgive someone who thought that what we did together wasn't real. I do sympathize with the OP and I hope her girlfriend forgives her, but it would take a lot of guts because in this situation I never could. I would rather be cheated on than be told that what I did with my partner "wasn't sex". It can cut a really deep wound that makes it hard to move past. A lot of people are just unaware that it can damage a person for the rest of their life because they don't see it that way in their culture, so this is a good time as any to teach them.
