I know that this probably sounds dramatic, but I'm so confused and lost I'm at the point where I really am honestly concern I might becoming a little cookoo. But frankly, I'm posting in full detail because I really have no fucking clue what to do about this situation anymore and it's been going on too long and I need to somehow fix this before I have a mental breakdown. I'm sorry this is so long. I'm really grateful if you read this. <3 I'm sorry. I'm just...so....so sad. In between my sophomore and junior year of high school, I moved schools. Luckily, however, my best friend was moving here too (long story, don't want to explain) and so I didn't think coming to this school would be bad. Over the first month, me and her made friends with the same people, and we had a small group going. It was okay for a while. Then this guy moved to town as well, and he made friends with our group too. He was cool, or so I thought, at first. I thought he was cute, but assumed he was straight so made a mental note not to even think of him that way. It'd just lead to pain for me. However, when he found out I was gay, that's when all this shit started. He came to me on facebook not long after dropping hints that he may like me. then, a couple days after that, he flat out told me he liked me, and that he was gay. I was kind of shocked. A really cute guy liked me ? I have self esteem issues, so I was hesitant at first. I'm not really cute, at all, and am quite nerdy. He's like...preppy skater type. And cute. I was asking myself, should I really try to be with him? I decided to give it a try. So I did things with him after school. (clubs, sports, hanging out, etc) Soon, I eventually admitted I liked him back. He said he liked me too, but wanted to see where things went. This is where things went downhill. Eventually, after about a couple of weeks, it became clear to me he wasn't going to do anything about his crush on me. I started to avoid him because this upset me, and sure enough, he came to me on chat and blatantly state he was "over me." And then I asked and he said because he'd never accept his homosexual feelings. This really hurt me, because I have such so self esteem, well, I felt it was MY fault he didn't like me. then I got mad, because I began wondering, had he lead me on? To this day I really don't believe his feelings for me were real, I think he just liked me for a little short while because I was the only other gay guy. Anyway, I was hurting so bad. I felt so lonely and inferior. And worse, I had really no other friends, so I had to see him every day if I wanted to be with my friends. After that, he....changed. He was still the same, except, well, he started lying. What I mean is, he'd say things to people (my friends) that was the complete opposite of what he had said privately to me in chat. He would talk to me hours on end about his...boy fetishes. And now he's blabbing to everyone about "pretty girls." I told him once I was California, and he thought it was pretty cool, saying he wanted to go there. Now he's starting to tell everyone that he's from California as well, and likes to remind us all every day. He also brings up gay people. A lot. Every day a lot. Like, it's never about him being gay, he just brings it up whenever he can. talking about San Francisco? He'll mention gay people. Talking about pets? He'll swear his cats gay. Talking about crushes? He'll talk about the gay guys who have had crushes on him. And he also says certain things sometimes that is almost like he's hinting at though that he dissaproves of gayness. Even worse...he still talks to me about guys sometimes in private. I'm too annoyed at this to feel jealous. Him doing this just annoys the fuck out of me. And then there are other times where I look at him, how gorgeous he is, and want to cry because I wasn't good enough for him, that I can't have him, as sad as that sounds, and how pathetic and ugly i am compared to him. (( I'm starting to get so down because I've been carrying this sinking feeling everyday I will be forever alone, because I'm not desirable enough to win anyone over. And my low self esteem sure isn't going to help me. I thought I could handle all of this, feeling sad he rejected me, feeling depressed about my uglyness, feeling mad that he's lying. But now, now he's been getting close to my best friend. Or trying to. The one that moved here with me. She likes him, and thinks hes cool, and well, this hurts me beyond end. I think she's going to start becoming equally as close with him as she is with me. I'm so pathetic, aren't I? He's stealing my friends and making me miserable. I can't just tell her, or everyone in our group, to not do that or not hang out with him, because we've all been "friends" since the beginning of the year. If I don't like him and don't want to be his friend, pretty much means giving up all the friends I have made. Even my best friend. I'd be sitting alone at lunch probably for the rest of my school career. So my options are just suck all this emotion up, or leave. I'm tempted to ask my parents if I can go live with my grandma in Nc, but not only would it be hard to move between junior and senior year, I'd be going to the south. (( That'd be a challenge all on it's own. I'm so miserable. I'm coming home and crying myself to sleep, because I feel so ugly, and I feel so abnormal for being gay. I feel so bad, and he's only a reminder of his rejection, his denial and wish to conform, and his superiority to me. I don't know why I care so much but I do. I'm so upset. I'm pushing people away and becoming a recluse. So much so and for so long I think I'm going crazy with depression. What do you do in this situation? Are you suppose to leave? Are you suppose to get over it? What? I hate this. Fuck my life. :tears: ---------- Post added 18th Mar 2014 at 08:59 AM ---------- I just reread this and want to face punch myself for how pathetic and whiney I sound. ---------- Post added 18th Mar 2014 at 09:02 AM ---------- What would you do in this situation?
I would tell him that it makes you upset that he changes his personality so much. You can also tell him about your feelings for him, if that helps.
I've had guys that I've loved turn their backs on me. And I've had guys that I've turned my back on as well. It feels like absolute shit. My advice: you can't change your friend. Remember how happy you were when everything was going right. Trust that you'll find someone who will make you feel that way again. You'll soar one day. If it helps, listen to "let it go" from Frozen. Seriously.
I am more hardcore on this issue. What you have to lose, sir? I see "nothing". You are in severe pain, that's clear. Now, if you really have a backup plan like moving away again, then focus on it before following my advice. One day, start talking with this guy again, for any reason. Then if he talks about gay stuff everytime, the subject will bring itself up. Tell your feelings, be brave and say everything, pain for pain, at least a clear rejection would make more sense than this ridiculous situation he has made. During the conversation, KISS HIM in surprise, then you can let it go, only after using all your weapons.
