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I thought this only happens in movies this way....

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by wildfang, Mar 22, 2014.

  1. wildfang

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    I don't exactly know how this happened, but I accidentally hooked up with the new chick on our soccer team while we went out last night. Or maybe not by accident?

    I'd only seen her a total of three times at our last training seshs, and I had a feeling from when I saw her first that she might not be the straightest broom in the closet :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: (mayhaps gaydar developing? haha). She's hilarious and cute and I do like her but no WAY did I have any intention to act on anything.

    She came to watch our game last night, and after that we all went out to drink and party... this new chick and me have become quite matey pretty quickly, I assumed she's just that kind of person - lots of shoulder bumps, hugs, flirty comments but as the evening progressed I thought it was just the alcohol... but she didn't do it to the others *as* much. Anyhow we all hit the dancefloor, being hit on by random dudes which was a bit unnerving but also amusing to watch when the others did XD This one guy started trying to chat me up, the turned to my friend beside me and I must have rolled my eyes or flinched when he barged in cos the girl I'm talking about asked if I thought he was cute and our eyes met and I was just like.... ahhhhmmmmm....
    At that point, I guess I just didn't care anymore or just really wanted to tell someone. I blame all those Jaeger shots :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    So I grabbed her hand and pulled her off the dancefloor and found a place we could talk over the music. Or more like, stammer, but finally I managed to some way communicate by way of analogy that I'm totally confused sexuality-wise. And instead of being all awks she just came in for this looong amazing hug then murmed into my ear that she thought I was a cute gal and kissed my cheek. Me = instant freeze. Then our eyes kinda met briefly and me being the awkward blushy dork I am grinned really derpily and kissed her cheek back and then we went back to dancing....just more close and smexily this time XD Eeeee and it felt so familiar and wow..
    We went outside a few times and just cuddled in an alcove thing and I think I blabbered a bit about stuff being confusing and she told me she's totally the same way atm but not thinking about it too much, just seeing what life brings her..... Then stuff got bit fuzzy and we left early morning and biked home a little way together, she showed me where she lives and yeah. We hugglycuddled a bit more and then - this is prolly the most awkward moment of the whole night - she stared into my face for a bit and I swear our noses almost touched and theeeeen, TYPICALLY, I totally chickened out and said I havent done this before and pecked her cheek and rode away >.<

    Practice on monday's gonna be awkwaaaaaaaard......

    But yeah I texted her this afternoon and just asked how she felt and she said hungover, asked me back and I said my head hurt too and since then she hasnt written anything back -- I didn't even know if I should have texted because it's not like we're a thing or anything but I didn't want to be like I'd forgotten all about it. Was it the right thing to do? I just don't wanna over-react or seem clingy or not react enough, yaknow? I am actually interested and want to do everything right :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: What do I do? I haven't come out to more than 2 people, so my team knows nothing ....oh god, maybe our other friend saw us dancing...

    Anyone been in similar situations and / or any advice?

    But anyway. I'm so confused and it felt really amazing and sweet but I'm still a ton of nervous and I wonder if this was the right thing... we were both pretty intoxicated. I guess I'll see what's happening when I see her for footy :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Also, I'm 19 she's 23, that's still totally cool right?

    AAAAAAA


    ---

    OH. And the other thing. I have this big crush on one of my best friends who lives on the other side of the world and pretty much made me start doubting my sexuality last year... she's (bi) in a relationship atm though so she doesn't know about the crush, but is the only other person who knows about my notstraightness... I texted her about what happened and we girled-out about it but I still like her a lot but.. ughhhhh. Is this reality telling me she won't likely happen anyway and I should go for other options right now? XD

    I'm also under a lot of parent uni-finding pressure, impeding driving license test and work and soccer stress and GNNNNNNNN this is crazy.

    If you stayed with me for the whole of this, I'm impressed. Have a brownie.
     
    #1 wildfang, Mar 22, 2014
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2014
  2. justadream

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    First off, I'd just like to say I enjoyed reading that and though I don't know you, I am very excited for you!
    Any gay, play it safe. Get to know her a bit better and if you really hit it off then that's great! Take some time to think about what you want and what you're looking for.
    But just some quick advice, don't enter a relationship while confused. they usually end badly and nobody really wants to get hurt, right? right.
    you don't have to bring up what happened but if she does then it should be alright to talk about it.
    and if the time you spent with her was amazing and you want more of it then don't let yourself chicken out.

    as for your friend that you have a big crush on, she's on the "other side of the world" and she's in a relationship so don't hold out for that no matter how much you like her. I'm not saying stop being her friend, you seem close. just don't focus on her or give up other opportunities by waiting for her.

    hope that was helpful, and good luck with this!
    also...when can I get that brownie?
     
  3. stocking

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    I agree with the first answer don't enter relationships while your confused about your sexuality wait till you figure it out . Your ages.seem good don't worry about it
     
  4. wildfang

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    Thanks for the quick (and awesome) answers you two! It's so good to hear input and calm down a bit :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: (I still shake when I think about it though, now that the 'shock' is wearing off bahaha)

    Working on it, have been for a long time XD I hope I can get a grip on it in a few months since she's flying my way to go on a UK roaddtrip together soooo yeah :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Have three for being so nice :slight_smile: omnomnom.
    [​IMG]
     
  5. justadream

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    Thank you, those were delicious! :icon_bigg
     
  6. wildfang

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    Ok so update, for whoever reads this - or not.... yeah I just need to rant and writing out stuff helps. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Sorry about any swearing that may occur.

    After dwelling on this for several days, and two pretty sucky soccer training seshs later, I really don't know what to think, or feel, or do. The day after the thing happened was fine, admittedly I was still a fair bit drunk and probably just hyped. Sunday I had a full-on crazy work shift at the pub I waitress at, and with all the busy stress there I just started ...freaking....out... felt like I was on the verge of something between frustration and tears all the time. Add washing a mountain of dishes and trying to work out tip from what you're earning waitressing and just *BRAIN ASPLODE*

    I kinda just spilled at one point and told one of my coworkers what happened, she sat down after the shift with me and said it didn't matter, she'd been in a relationship with a woman before, I should just roll and not worry too much about it. That was totally sweet and helpful and I felt relieved that the first stranger I told was nice about it and I felt a bit better. Till I got home, I though it'd be a great idea to just run myself to exhaustion and burn the emotions like you do calories....yeah right, no. I should prolly be proud of my personal best that I achieved there, but meh. At least I was so tired after that I managed to get a fair amount of sleep. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
    Next day I distracted myself -I've never practiced guitar so many hours a day in my entire life, but it helps a little - had a driving lesson and theory class which took my mind off it as well, so far, so good. It started when I biked to soccer. I thought they were just butterflies, took a few deep breaths, joined my teammates - I was a bit late due to driving school so at least I didn't have to warm up with them - and I thought I'd pretend nothing happened and just be myself but noooo way. Somehow the chick^^ and I did not talk or make eye contact at all. I didn't worry about that too much though, because thing is, I started getting these panic attacks I usually ONLY get when something really bad has happened, like back when my grandad, and my best friend died, I can';t explain it I just get stomach cramps and this rising dread and I really really want to have to cry but I just frickin can't. And then concentrating is really hard, being nice to others is even harder and I got pretty mad at myself for making some mistakes passing the ball and all that jazz. My heart starts racing and I get this chokey feeling and only deep breathing does something to help. I've said it before, at that point it feels like I really need to cry but I can't, nothing I do works. Not even...andI wear long sleeves again >.<
    I did manage to keep most of my panic to myself, I think, even then my coach started asking what was wrong in front of the whole team.
    Later. I knew I had to say something to her, so we walked homeward in the same direction...mostly in silence... then we did talk but not properly. How'd you do that anyway? At least I got that she wasn't mad at me, and I gave her a awky hug when we parted ways, so I felt a bit less bad about ignoring her.

    So what's the problem???!!?

    The panic hasn't left, I dunno if it's anxiety or WHAT but it's still there and comes in at random moments. So anyway, apparently my coach did start worrying and texted me later that night saying he's there for me if anything's wrong but I politely declined. Skip a couple days....last night's practice was little better. I though I'd calmed down, but guess what, soon as I met up with the other gals and all the fuckery came up again. But I really tried concentrating and actually handled the ball alright, talked to people in between, so I thought, prgress. After practice however I made a run for it. Didn't want to face another awkward walk home again, besides, she was talking with the others and prolly didnt see me leaving. So then I got home, showered, got ready for bed feeling like such a frickin coward. Why can't I rant to people in my life like this, like I do to the internet?? I hate that, I hate that feeling of failure after you chicken out again...ugh. So I sent my coach a text saying hey, would he still be there for a while (the footy grounds has a little pub thing) that I might actually need to talk to someone.
    So after I while I gathered all my wimpy courage and went back.

    It actually was a lot easier than I'd thought. Our other coach was there as well but at that point I didn't really care. I have never shaken so much while talking at a table >.< but all in all, they were so nice about it and gave me a lot of good advice and nice words and took it really well. Apparently my coach also gets panic attacks and takes meds for it, he offered me some but I really don't want to get dependent on anything. I left after a while longer just chatting about random stuff. My coaches are epic :slight_smile:

    One thing everyone's asked me till now though is, where's the problem? It's both a reassuring and scary question in that...... okay, strictly speaking it can't really be a big problem at all, can it? REALLY, GIRL. You're obviously stressing waaaaaaayyyy too much. There are far bigger things people have to handle. On the other hand..... up till now, everything's been exclusively back-and-forthing in my head, and now that I've actually acted on my sexuality confusion, and now it's not private and "safe" anymore and it's awkward and I don't know whether I actually have feelings for her (though she might, heck I dunno she initiated it after all). It doesn't feel like the love I have for my bestie crush, or whatever I felt back when I had that get-together with my then best guy friend a few years ago... I HARDLY KNOW HER. And I feel such an idiot for having let happen what did last weekend. And I feel selfish because I'm thinking about myself so much and saying "I" so much and BAAAHHHHHH I should be grateful to how people have reacted in the last few days and everyone seems to be handling it well so WHY CAN'T I. ? And I really don't want anyone else to get hurt or jeopardize my team's vibe or WHATEVER.

    And quite frankly I'm just so freaking scared.
     
    #6 wildfang, Mar 27, 2014
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2014