Boyfriend cheated...give him a second chance?

I looked back thru your past threads and it would seem the most charitable interpretation is that your BF has some serious self control issues combined with a habit of trying to talk his way out of a problem after he's screwed up rather than just exercising the control needed to not have the problem in the first place. He may also have some issues with telling the truth (looking at the earlier issues with apps and such).

If you can't let this go then it's probably better to end things now rather than draw out the pain of trying to make it work while not feeling you can trust him. There are plenty of other guys out there who aren't going to have the issues he seems to. It will hurt for a while, but you will heal.

If you decide to try to give him another chance, then you need to make it clear to him that it is his last chance. No more app surfing, no more hookups, period. He needs to either commit to being monogamous with you or the relationship is over. Since you're taking a break from each other, I would say he needs to decide if he can do monogamy during this time apart. If he can't, then best you both move on. If he says he can and you catch hi apping or cheating again, then you're gone. And mean it. Be mentally prepared to take that step. As above, it will hurt for a while, but you will heal and you will find someone who is willing to have the type of relationship you are looking for.

I'm sorry you are having to go thru this.(*hug*)

Todd

 

Todd has some wonderful advice. I'm so, so sorry your boyfriend did that to you. :\

I will say that while I don't agree with how strict Todd's advice is, it is valuable to understand (as he said) the necessity of absolutism... I don't know your boyfriend's history, but it would be hard for me to personally have a trusting heart and unsuspicious eye around someone with a reputation-- particularly after they verified my distrust in them to begin with.

 

Oh, EMF...

I saw this movie before, instead it wasn't a gay old friend but old female friend.

Not ended happily.

And he was on his second chance after nailing my best friend.

Forgiveness is a good thing but sometimes it can be worst thing you can do to yourself.

Those kind of situations (this is the third one today by the way) I guess live and learn situations. You can let him go and find yourself keep saying "what if" or you can go on and find yourself saying "I wish I could". This is life.

 

Honestly I don't personally know your situation in its full but I can tell you about mine and you can decide how similar it is and take what you will. I was in a relationship for about a year and pretty early on I got cheated on but thought "she loves me so won't do it again" following that she was flashing other guys and grinding them for the full year on and off. However I kept giving her chances because of your connected to someone you force yourself to see the best in them instead of letting go and taking the healthy option.

As it took me a year to realise this when I got in my first gay relationship I had/have pretty bad trust issues which were misinterpreted for disinterest at one point. It's been incredibly hard for me to let myself love someone else again and to let them know how I feel. Wen your cheated on by someone you feel romantically connected too it fucks with you big time. If Todd is right then your boyf may do it again and if your like me you will continue to give them second chances.

My advice is this: save yourself whatever emotional stress and stunting you are risking getting from this relationship and walk away, it cut me far too deep to be worth a relationship and messed me up big time. If you want to trust him then that's your choice but be seriously prepared to learn from your mistakes if things go wrong.

 

Seems to me like he is insecure. I think he wants you to believe that he will change; he may even think he won't cheat again. But after 3 months? I'm almost certain he will cheat again. I think he's acting genuine because he's afraid of being alone. The same thing happened to me with my ex. She cheated on me at least 3 times.

 

If he cheats once he'll cheat again. It may hurt, but you should let him go and be with someone you deserve who will treat you right and won't cheat. If you don't you are only setting yourself up for more heartbreak down the road. This may not be what you wanted to hear, and you may think that he's different and that he can change, but he won't change. Eventually he'll probably do it again. I'm sorry this happened to you, but staying with him is a mistake no matter how much you think he'll never do it again. I'm sorry but that's the sad truth. I never had this happen to me, but out of every person I know of who gave cheaters a second chance, it never worked out, and I know of a lot of people like that. My advice is to not be blinded by this and be with someone who deserves you. People do make mistakes sometimes, and it is possible for some people to change, but this guy isn't worth your time or love. Apparently he thought you weren't enough for him, so there's no point in staying. Sorry, but it's unfortunately true.

You said something about following your gut. I think that's always the best thing to do, because my gut has never to my knowledge failed me, so if you really think he can change, then do what you think is best, but I think staying with him is a mistake that will only hurt you further in the future. Whatever your decision is though, I hope that in time it turns out to be for the best. Think it through carefully, and good luck.

 

I guess I'll provide the opposite perspective as I don't necessarily think it's a bad idea to give him another chance. Disclaimer: I have never been in a relationship so I definitely can't relate to your situation, though I have wondered on occasion how I would handle it.

You know your boyfriend far better than we can ever hope to based on what you write in this thread. You seem to care a great deal for him still and are convinced that he is genuinely remorseful. If the pain you would feel from losing him outweighs the hurt you would feel if he cheats on you again and you still honestly think it's possible to make the relationship work, then stick with it, especially since this is the first time he's done anything like this before. Everybody makes mistakes -- and this is a particularly bad one (both the actual cheating and then lying about it afterwards) -- but if you're looking for someone who will never disappoint you you'll be looking for a long, long time.

 

I might consider giving a second chance if we had been together for a long time, due to all the time I would have invested. But second chance after just 2-3 months, no I would not.

 

What's his plan to avoid cheating? Is it just 'I won't do it again'? Or is he planning to get some counseling and take a hard look at what happened there and what needs to change to avoid it happening again?

'I won't do it again' means nothing. 'I'm going to counseling' means a whole lot more.

 

Well like I said, I have never been cheated on. However there was a person that I have know for most of my life that made my mine and my family's life a living hell. We thought he could change too, and he always seemed very willing to change in order to get us back. Unfortunately though, even though I constantly foolishly tried to believe in him and even though we gave him hundreds of chances, he never changed. In fact he got worse and worse every time we went back until life's were almost cut short in the process because of him. Now of course your situation and my situation differ greatly, and I highly doubt that your boyfriend is going to become homicidal or anything, but the point I'm trying to make is that it's very rare for people to change no matter how sad and sorry they seem and no matter how convincing they seem. You seem to love him or at the very least really like him, and I believe that is clouding your judgment but that's not my place to say. You seem very rational and I'm glad, because there have been many people in your situation who haven't been. I just hope that whatever you decide to do, proves to be the best course of action to take.

If you truly believe you and him can put this behind you and move forward correctly, then go for it. Maybe he's a rare exception and actually has realized that he made a mistake, and that you are too important to him to lose you, if he's willing to do everything that you said, but it's like walking on the thinnest layer of ice, and you have to be extremely careful, because like I said, if he did it once, he'll most likely do it again. Unlike you though, I have a very hard time forgiving people on more serious things, and if I were in your situation, I would dump him and although it would hurt like hell, I would have to move on. Good or bad though, the choice is yours. I think you will get hurt even more if you stay with him, but you seem smart enough to know what you're doing either way, so I'm sure you'll be able to figure out what is best for you. Once again, best of luck, and be careful.