I'm feeling really low. My mom was basically attacking a friend of hers with religion just now when he confided in her that he's atheist. It was...really scary how angry and mean she got, and somewhere in her rant she started bashing gay people. She was calling us disgusting and just... a lot more unpleasant things and it reminded me that there really isn't anyone offline who I can safely talk to about my sexuality and identity. Like, at all. I have the kind of personality where I just can't displease people; I can't stand it. I can't suck it up, I can't get over it, I just can't. I virtually never argue with people who aren't my immediate family members and rarely ever confide in people. I've never really had good experiences doing so. My friendships are usually pretty short-lived because I move a lot, so I'm really good at cutting ties. That said, it seems like I'll be sticking around here for a while and while I'm good at ending friendships, I'm not so good at building new ones. It may seem really confusing, but to sum it up, the current situation is that I am living in a home full of vehemently opinionated homophobes and have nothing but shallow, kind of uncomfortable friendships (save for one amazing friend millions of miles away). I'm feeling really dysphoric (it comes and goes), but because I still live at home I'm forced to wear skirts/dresses and a hijab every day. I cut my hair like 3 months ago, using the excuse that I didn't want to deal with long hair, but my aunt shaved it because the cut I had was "too masculine", and it just made my feminine features stand out more and I hated it at times. It kind of grew out to a length I'm happy with, but then I wear a hijab and skirt and it's like... what's the point? I dunno, I just feel really crappy and was kind of ready to come out to my mom, but now I definitely can't. I know living at home is not healthy for me but I can't afford to move out yet. I'm literally this close to snapping, though, and recently I've been getting a lot of suicidal tendencies and have been feeling depressed and stuff. Every time I try to ask my mom for advice she just tells me to pray and I made the mistake of telling her that I don't believe in God so now I'm going to Somalia for the summer. One of my only friends found out that I wasn't straight, and she faded out of the picture. I'm working two jobs to save up for tuition and moving out because my mom certainly won't help and I'm... really tired and sad.
This sounds like an awful and stressful situation. There are a couple things here you're dealing with: your homophobic family and your lack of close ties where you are. Regarding your family: Some people are changeable and some people are not. Some will come around to see things your way and some won't. You may be lucky in that over time your family will come around to your point of view. I hope that this is the case. If not... I hope you find yourself another family someday, as hurtful as it may be to let them go. About friends, I'm wondering if you are maybe giving up on making friends because of the constant leaving. I have moved 4 times in the past 2 years, making for a very unstable social situation. It takes a year or two to really settle into a place, and it's not easy to uproot and settle back down over and over again, but it's doable. You just need to find one or two people where you are for things to feel better; easier said than done I know, but I hope you keep trying to reach out to people as frustrating as it might be. And don't let go of that friend far away from you. My heart goes out to you, I hope your situation improves soon. Best of luck.
