Detachment

Yes, definitely. Still there myself though, so I don't have any advice...

 

Yes. I don't let myself open up to many people because I'm trying to prepare myself for when I inevitably lose friends when I come out. I want it to be a smoother transition.

Of course some would say this isn't healthy but it makes sense to me.

 

I came out to my best friend when I was 15, but he moved away and I never seen him again. I've never had a genuine friendship since, more just a circle of friends that has naturally become distanced from each other because of our different lifestyles. The only people I feel the need to come out to is my family, but I still haven't done it. I think many people come out to their friends before their family. But many of us are part of a circle of friends that is all typical male, and there is no sensitive issue conversations or the group of friends is nothing more than a group of lads that meet up for a drink at the end of the week. So for many of us the only people it actually means anything to come out to is our family and that is more than likely not easy.

It could be possible that when you're ready to come out you realise how important the people you spend your time with actually are. Like you think to yourself, ok later tonight i'm going to tell John, then you think or notice that John wouldn't really care and my sexuality means nothing to him whatsoever. I don't think it's uncommon for people to make big changes in their life after coming out. It's like when some people get divorced. They live happier than they ever have and the people they surround themselves with, they feel they can tell them anything.

 

Honestly, I've felt detached from myself and everyone else around me since I was 18 after coming out to my parents. They completely rejected me as a homosexual; their ultimatum was either "go straight" or "get out". I was devastated after growing up being told they had unconditional love for us, only then to find out at that point being gay was the asterisk at the end of the conversation.

I tried to go straight, fell in love with my wife (or at least that's how it felt at the time), we got married and have two kids. I was unable to keep up the emotional energy needed after a few years, and was never able to initiate intimacy during our relationship though I participated the best I could when she would. I now know my wife has felt unloved and unwanted to years, even before we had kids. I do not understand why she didn't get rid of me earlier (other than she said she assumed all marriages changed over time and our just changed faster than others due to my personality) before we had kids. Once we had kids, we both went into parent mode and shed the last remnants of acting like a husband and wife, we became basically parental roommates.

The trigger that got me to realize what was happening to us was the death of my mom last year. I began to see the life I was living was a charade, the people around me were unhappy especially my wife, but also our kids in some ways. I was completely unhappy with myself and the situation I had created for our family, I did not recognize the person I had become. I took a hard look at myself and the decisions I had made for the last 23 years and finally had to accept that I always have been and always will be gay, no matter how much I try to ignore how I feel.

Once I got over the initial hurdle of accepting myself for who I am, then the rest were like dominoes, finally leading up to the point where I had the strength to come clean to my wife a few weeks ago. Wiping away the years of lies and deception both to myself and to her was emotionally liberating, a weight lifted from my heart.

I am now able to see and feel what real love is like; loving someone for who they are not for who they can help me be; someone loving me, the whole me, knowing everything about how I became the person I am, accepting my failings because they understand and have experienced the same wounds; loving someone who is on the same journey of healing as myself so we can both enjoy and open, honest relationship for many years to come.

 

I came from a very repressed family and realized my attraction to guys fairly early, but had such a total disconnect in my brain between sex/attraction and marriage/family that I really didn't have any concept that what I felt was "gay" versus "straight". I just figured it would all go away when I met the right girl. But of course, since I wasn't attracted to girls, all my attempts to find the "right" one were pretty clumsy and unpleasant. I also had a 3-year attraction for a guy in college that was the first time I really started thinking in terms of being gay (or at least bi, since I still assumed I needed to "find the right girl"). That didn't end well, and I ended up feeling unappealing to guys, but uninterested in girls. I found myself shutting down about relationships in general after that.

Eventually I did meet a woman I was interested in, although the circumstances were complicated and played into what I thought was the attraction, and we eventually got married. I tried very hard to shut down any feelings towards guys and seem straight, although the end result seemed to make me very uncomfortable to be around, particularly for guys in general. I also let my wife take the lead in almost every situation, and most of my friendships fell away, including those with much of my family, because all my energy was going into maintaining the appearance of a "normal" straight life. So yes, total detachment. No friends, distance from family, and largely isolated in my own head.

I found that almost as soon as I accepted myself as gay and stopped trying to pretend, that started to fall away. Coming out to my wife made a huge difference as well. I've always been introverted, almost painfully so, and am still to some degree, but that has changed pretty dramatically over the past year, and I'm far less uncomfortable with people. They are more comfortable with me as well; I find I am able to talk to people more easily (I'm not analyzing every word to make sure I don't come across as gay, so it's not such a struggle), and people who really never gave me the time of day are suddenly initiating conversations. I assume it's because I come across less uptight and nervous. And I've opened up to the point where I've been able to connect with someone very amazingly special, which started out by simply being willing to share who I was instead of standing apart from people and assuming I had nothing worth saying.

I won't say that I don't ever feel socially awkward anymore, because I do. And I am still insecure and fearful of disappointing people, or being rejected. For me, coming out was tied to a lot of self-esteem issues and general confusion about many things. But I looked on it as finally understanding and accepting a huge part of myself that I had neglected for my entire life, and realizing that it was important enough to face. The slight bump in confidence came first, THEN the coming out. One of the triggers for me was losing a significant amount of weight. The confidence I got from that helped me feel I was up to taking other risks, like accepting being gay. Something that could help you would be to set a difficult but attainable goal, something you would have to work at, but truly believe you can accomplish. That boost in self-esteem does wonders, and affects your whole outlook, and can give you confidence to face things you might not have been able to otherwise. Because being gay is such a central issue for us in so many ways, we forget what a bowl of spaghetti our psyches really are, and how very intertwined all our emotions actually are.

 

I did this. I never got past the feelings and have isolated myself as a result. It can be a corrosive pattern of behaviour and I would urge you to do something positive to get closer to more people sooner rather than later.