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Being clingy in a long distance relationship

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by kizzsikasbro, Mar 25, 2014.

  1. kizzsikasbro

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    I fell in love with a guy I met on holiday overseas. He felt the same so we have stayed in touch and established an exclusive long distance. We skype everyday sometimes twice and everything feels alright.

    (I am extremely embarrassed to admit this because I always realise what I'm doing is dusgusting in hindsight)

    I get upset when he falls asleep without calling me. Hideously and inappropriately upset. It's to the point where I'm staying up for hours sending endless messages about how he doesn't care or how I love him more than he loves me. In the morning sometimes I am still angry and I try and have a go when he finally does call.

    I can feel him becomming frustrated and irritated but for some reason I can't stop acting on my emotions (I think it's a pisces thing or I've got HPD or something). I need to pull my head in and chill but I only realise I've been a stage fiver after the fact, and then all I can do is apologise. I think he's getting over my apologies too because today when I said sorry and blamed it on work being stressful he said nothing about it. I'm flying to see him on Sunday and I'm scared he is going to dump me.

    Can anybody offer any advice or experience to make me feel a little bit better?
     
  2. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    Hi and welcome.

    First, I see nothing to be disgusted about in sharing a connection with someone over Skype. If you're doing explicit sexual things such as masturbating, there's always a concern about those sessions being recorded, but other than that, this is someone you know and feel a connection to, have met in real life, and you're spending time getting to know each other, and there's nothing wrong with that.

    Second, it's a big step just to own and talk about the behaviors, so give yourself thanks for being able to do that. It seems clear that you know there's an issue here, so I think the next step is to start looking at it.

    What I see is low self esteem. The message playing inside is some variation of "I don't deserve this person. I'm not worthy of someone this good. He probably really doesn't like me and is just putting up with me. I'm sure he'll dump me because I'm really not worthy."

    And that is directly tied in with shame: the idea that you're unworthy of love, connection, and belonging. The good news is... that's a very solvable problem. The bad news is, there's no instant fix.

    So what you need to do is start working on your own self worth. Usually, it's helpful to look at where the messages came from, and that's generally from the environment you grew up in. If you can begin to think about and recognize all of the messages you got growing up (directly or indirectly) that told you you weren't worthy... then you can begin to reset those messages and recognize how untrue they are.

    Therapy is always the best choice, provided you can find a really good therapist. A good second place start is to talk about your feelings here on EC, as you've already started doing.

    The last piece I can recommend is getting a copy of Brené Brown's "Gifts of Imperfection" and "Daring Greatly", and checking out her three TED talks on Youtube (The Power of Vulnerability, The Price of Invulnerability, and Listening to Shame). Her work in this field has been transformational for many who are experiencing the same things you are, and think you'll find it helpful.

    And... the other thing you can do in the immediate is to try and be completely open with your friend. Tell him about the insecurities and the struggles and that you realize how exaggerated the responses are. Set up a way that he can tell you when you're being clingy and difficult, so that you don't take it as a judgment, but as a reminder to check in on your behaviors.

    And finally... keep reminding yourself that you're worthy of love and belonging, you deserve someone who will respect and love and appreciate you, and that your self worth comes from loving yourself, not from someone else loving you.
     
  3. Beantown

    Beantown Guest

    omg you sound like my twin.
     
  4. polaroid

    polaroid Guest

    From my experience, long distance relationship does not work. (Personally, I will never do it again even if given the chance.) Whilst it is still possible to happen, the chance of the relationship surviving is so very very very little. Very little. I can't emphasise that enough. Maintaining the relationship is so difficult. The longer the distance, the more difficult it is to maintain. Of course if you're rich and able to see each other more often then that will change the odds of it surviving but otherwise, if this is not possible, I wouldn't even pursue it.

    I could go on and on about this but I'm stopping myself as I will only come across as bitter. My opinions are just based from my experiences (and some of my wiser friends) though. The (short-lived) happiness I experienced being with that person wasn't worth the pain I experienced afterwards (or still experiencing now).

    Sure, the relationship also depends on the other person... how well you know them, if they actually know/sure about what they like, etc. But if there are red flags especially quite early on in the LDR, I really wouldn't ignore it. I'm more likely to cut my losses than try to 'fix it'.
     
  5. lucina

    lucina Guest

    I have a similar problem, only mine doesn't involve people who love me back! I don't know whether to laugh or cry at that lol.
     
  6. Beantown

    Beantown Guest

    So you're clingy to people who don't love you?
     
  7. Sotv

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    OP: If he was going to dump you it would seem rather callous of him to invite you to fly over, don't you agree? Just believe your earth it and take the advice from Chip, it looks very helpful and I intend on taking it myself for a general self esteem boost.

    Polaroid:
    Sorry for potentially hijacking this thread but would you classify 1hour 30 as long distance if you were able to see eachother at least once a fortnight ? I hadn't considered it to be a potential problem but am trying to plan my future so your experience would be helpful.
     
  8. polaroid

    polaroid Guest

    Like I mentioned, there's a lot of variables to consider aside from that. But going back to your question, it depends. Is it 1hr 30 distance traveling by car? Train? Airplane? Do you think you can maintain to see each other ''at least'' once a fortnight in the long run? Is that something any of you would like to change in the near future? i.e. one of you prepared to move closer to another. Do you think the other person is as committed as you in this regard? I find that question very hard to answer truthfully sometimes. Even then, if for instance both of you are equally committed, it also depends on the financial aspect of things.

    I know you didn't ask about this but, I would personally try and distance myself as soon as I notice that I'm mostly the only one making things happen. Looking back, I know it's possible to notice these things but it is very hard to accept and come to terms with, especially when you want the relationship to work.
     
  9. Sotv

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    1) by car and 50mins by train (£8 so finances are coverable)
    2)yeah we could definitely maintain it, probs once a week the and both back home in holidays so will live near eachother then
    3)) we are both committed but I can't read minds so it's difficult to say.:/
    Yeah I totally know what you mean by the second point,.
    Thanks for the advice and again sorry for the momentary hijack:stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    ---------- Post added 27th Mar 2014 at 09:43 AM ----------

    1) by car and 50mins by train (£8 so finances are coverable)
    2)yeah we could definitely maintain it, probs once a week the and both back home in holidays so will live near eachother then
    3)) we are both committed but I can't read minds so it's difficult to say.:/
    Yeah I totally know what you mean by the second point,.
    Thanks for the advice and again sorry for the momentary hijack:stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    ---------- Post added 27th Mar 2014 at 09:43 AM ----------

    1) by car and 50mins by train (£8 so finances are coverable)
    2)yeah we could definitely maintain it, probs once a week the and both back home in holidays so will live near eachother then
    3)) we are both committed but I can't read minds so it's difficult to say.:/
    Yeah I totally know what you mean by the second point,.
    Thanks for the advice and again sorry for the momentary hijack:stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: