Hi my friend seems to suspect I am straight, which wouldn't be a problem if I weren't bi and "in the closet". We are both guys, and have both grown up in religious families, so therefore to come out as bi or gay for that matter aren't the easiest. So I hoped someone could try to help me clear things. He has several times, when we're alone said things like "but you're straight" and "I know you're straight", not like a question, but more like a statement for himself. I think I am bi, but my point is: Why does he frequently say those things, what are he trying to achive by telling me so? He is kind of homophobic and have tried to tell me how straight he is, like "It's gross to be gay" and "I know I am straight". The problem is that all the signals he gives me don't actually correspond to this. He seem to glue to me everytimes he sees me, he don't seem to mind cuddling, and gives me pretty much attention. Talk no stop, and when I do things he always agrees and tells me how awsome my ideas are. And when I talk about my interest he always agrees with me, and tell me how much he can reletate. It's like I can tell or say anything I think to him, and regardless how messed up my thoughts are he always take my side and tells me how mych he agrees. And I seem to start taking his side much more often lately, like we always support each other. So naturally I have grown to like him more and more, and I can honest say this is the first time ever I got a friend were I could feel that the both of us could understand the other completely. So based on everything above what do you guys think? What should I feel, why do I get this signals from him, and what does it mean?
Well, you can't know for sure. I think he probably actually has some homosexual feelings.... but he's denying them because of his religion, family, repression etc. The question is whether or not he will come to accept them (if he actually does have gay feelings). One thing you can do: next time he says something like "it's gross to be gay", say, "hey, that's not fair, there's nothing wrong with being gay". If he's always taking your side like you say, perhaps he will agree... Then if he agrees, maybe you can come out to him. Meanwhile, ramp up to cuddling and touching as much as you can (within normal boundaries) and see how he responds. Let us know how it goes
Yeah, most straight people don't really think about their "straightness" at all. They just think it's normal. I agree that you should just ask why he considers being gay as gross. You don't have to come out to him, but it will show that you don't support homophobia. Since he seems to agree with you a lot, he may find it hard to disagree.
I'll sure give it a try, next time he brings up how "gross" it is to being gay. I never though that I could actually answer that way, so thanks. He don't seem to mind cuddling and touching, so thats's a good sign I guess? ---------- Post added 27th Mar 2014 at 02:33 AM ---------- That funny, I normally say to "homophobic" people "hey if you're straight, why the heck do you care about juging gay people?" It-s make no sense to me, so I really like your perspctive on things ---------- Post added 27th Mar 2014 at 02:39 AM ---------- Hmm, that's a good question. Um, normally when we talk about stereotypes. For instance one day he brought up the subject "I think it's dull that some guys shave off their body hair", and when I disagree, and told him that I thought it was totally okay to trim, and remove some of your hair, he just ended the subject with "but your straight". So yeah, that was just one of many examples, he always tell me I am straight if I kind of defend either rights or stereotypes for gays. Like he want to convince himself that I am straight, which makes no sense since we're both dudes.
When you cuddle maybe you should point out that it's kind of gay. Or make it a question, "I like this but isn't it kind of gay?" If he was raised to believe it's bad to be gay, he knows you're not bad and he's not bad, therefore you can't be gay.
Maybe I can give that a try, but what if should I do if i scare him, by pointing out that he does things that seem "gay". ?
How old are you guys? I'm asking because some of his behaviour seems pretty immature... I would advise you challenge the homophobic statements, but I'd be cautious about cuddling too much, and I wouldn't use it as a reductio ad absurdum to demonstrate how 'gay' so many normal activities are, and thus discredit homophobia. A direct approach is better IMO.
