Hello everyone, I have a concern regarding a friend and I'm looking for a very neutral opinion about it. The guy started a relationship with a girl last year. At first it looked hunky dory, then it turns out she's bordering to crazy, extremely controlling and jealous. They started fighting on a daily basis, he gave her a very expensive ring to prove his seriousness, she thought it was a way to justify his cheating. They fought some more and they broke up. The following day she already had a new boyfriend. In the meantime she decided to keep my friend as a fuckbuddy. She calls him when she needs sex, with promises of getting back together and leaving her boyfriend, but after sex she goes back to her boyfriend. This happens on a weekly basis. My friend is completely stuck and has low self-esteem issues, it seems like he can't get out of this. He's still in love and too attracted to her. On the other hand, she goes on and nobody ever told her she's behaving like a total jerk. I'm deeply sorry for him and I've been thinking of contacting her to talk about it. Nevertheless I have the feeling that this is too intrusive and that since we're all grown-ups it's their business and no-one else's. What do you think?
You are right not to get involved directly, that would be a major breach of trust that your friend has with you. So, the only alternative is that your friend has to see her for what she is, and that is not easy. The best way I can think of is with exemplars; i.e. referring to other couples that you may know that have their shit together and respect each other (and each other's boundaries). Do you guys know of any such couples? Do you think your own relationship could serve as a model perhaps? Of course, if he has self-esteem issues, it will be easy for her to manipulate that, hence he needs to build a stronger sense of self and a stronger love of himself, and that would require some professional help, if he can get it.
She's not going to listen to you, and your friend probably won't appreciate you getting involved. Just be there for him and keep trying to convince him he's worth more than this.
I've tried both things. He tells me that I'm right and that it makes sense, then as soon as she looks for him, he's there ready for her. He came to my place for 3 days, I told him: "while you're here you give me your phone and I hide it, so that you don't have any kind of contact with her". He accepted and he felt very good for those days. Then he went back home and the whole story started back again. He reckons he needs therapy (he has a degree in psychology himself, erm...) but right now has no money. He's completely powerless and can't find away to get out. He's my best friend and I would like to help him, but I've run out of ways. The girl, on the other hand, has no friends, so nobody has ever talked with her about this horrible situation. Probably she doesn't even realize how much she's hurting him.
The only way, and this is very difficult, is for him to be completely cut off from any contact with her. This can be the best way for you to help him, get him through the withdrawal phase that will inevitably plague him for a while. It really is a kind of addiction, the seduction of playing the martyr, the seduction of appearing to be a saint in contrast to her demons. He needs you to see that.
Oh trust me, I've told him such things. Hiding his phone was very effective, but just for 3 days. Being neither his father nor his mentor I can't control him all the time. Oh, and by the way, the two of them work together, so they have to meet at least twice a week. I'm trying to convince him to change jobs. It's not fair to change jobs for a b***h, but he's already had suicidal moments. I'm deeply worried...
