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Frustrated feelings with long-distance boyfriend

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Andane, Mar 27, 2014.

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  1. Andane

    Andane
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    So this guy and I have been dating for almost six months now. He lives in Florida and I live up in indiana, but we saw each other over Christmas break, and we talk every day and love each other. Once I start college next fall the distance won't be as big a deal anymore since I'll be closer, but lately I've just been feeling frustrated and anxious and I didn't know why for awhile, but recently I think I've realized what it is. Lately I feel like I'm always the one to do sweet things or initiate conversations or go out of my way for him. Like I'll leave him sweet messages in the morning for when he wakes up, or buy him little gifts, or go to sleep with him early because he has to get up the next day even if I don't. And like, I've been on a trip these past few days with my dad, and he told me to text him and stuff, but whenever I do, he usually stops replying after a few messages even though it says he reads everything I say. And he never texts me unless I'm the one to initiate. I know it probably sounds petty, and he still says he loves me with all his heart and I don't doubt that, but sometimes I just feel like I'm the only one putting in all this effort to do the little things to show my love and make him feel special.

    Part of me wants to just tell him how I'm feeling, but I don't want to seem clingy or naggy or petty. And part of me feels like it'll just make him defensive, like I'm attacking him when I'm not. I don't know, I just hate having this little nagging feeling at the back of my head all the time. Like I trust him and I'm sure he still loves me all the same, but sometimes I just feel he doesn't really go out of his way to reassure me and show me.

    Well, if nothing else, it's nice to at least lay everything else, and hopefully get some input. :slight_smile:
     
    #1 Andane, Mar 27, 2014
  2. polaroid

    polaroid Guest

    #2 polaroid, Mar 27, 2014
  3. resu

    resu
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    Some people are very different in how they interact through digital means vs. in person, and it could be your boyfriend is someone who isn't very communicative. This just gets exacerbated by the fact that a LDR means you can't have those in person talks. I think that's why having Skype or other video calls is so important; it's harder to be ignored if you're seeing each other in real time.
     
    #3 resu, Mar 27, 2014
  4. Andane

    Andane
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    Well, we do video skype pretty much every day, but after being gone and not really talking to him for 3 days I guess I just realized that outside of face to face conversation I'm the only one who really puts all the effort into shooting him a text or leaving a sweet message and stuff like that. And I'm usually the one who does all these sweet little things regularly. I mean I guess it might not sound like much but I just feel like I'm always considerate to him and he just kind of takes that for granted and doesn't really return it. Not necessarily on purpose but still. And then I just kind of feel like a jerk for thinking all this too :/
     
    #4 Andane, Mar 28, 2014
  5. resu

    resu
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    You should not feel like a jerk, but maybe you might ask to take a break and look for guys who are closer to you. There's not much use in having a one-sided relationship, long-distance or not.
     
    #5 resu, Mar 28, 2014
  6. polaroid

    polaroid Guest


    Yep. What he said.
     
    #6 polaroid, Mar 29, 2014
  7. Filip

    Filip
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    I really don't think you're a jerk for having these concerns and fears. Even though many people might not talk about it in public, they're pretty common to all relationships.

    And, the best way to deal with them really is by talking. Because otherwise, all you're left with is second-guessing yourself and your boyfriend, without ever finding out what's really going on.
    And being in a relationship isn't just about having fun together. It can also mean sharing your problems. And some of those problems might include things inside the relationship itself. Only wanting to share the good stuff sounds more like a "friends with benefits" arrangement. Nothing wrong with that, but only if it's what you want from it.

    Also, I've found out from experience, that it's pretty easy to miscommunicate. Something that might be a huge effort and that has a whole lot of meaning to you, might not even register on your boyfriend's radar, and vice versa.

    For example: I'm like you when it comes to texting. Texting my boyfriend means telling him "I'm thinking of you right now!", while to him, it's just a text that gets taken at face value.
    On the opposite end of the spectrum, I always took him gaming with me every wednesday for granted, until I found out he had to make major changes in his personal planning to accomodate it.


    So: I think you should bring it up. Don't try tackling it all at once, because then it becomes a lot to deal with. But you could bring up one tiny part of it. Maybe something like the texting thing. "you know... sometimes I'm wondering if texting annoys you? Because it seems all of our texting back and forth ususally fizzles out after two or three, and you never seem to start it. So what are your feelings about it?"

    Try to avoid the "I'm putting in all the effort, you jerk!" approach, but just focus on the "I've noticed X, and now I'm curious on why that happened?", and being as open as possible.
    And the answers will hopefully be helpful or enlightening!
     
    #7 Filip, Mar 30, 2014
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