I was hoping you could give me some advice on the situation I am in. I really don't know where to start. My coming out to my parents was almost 7 years ago. Unfortunately it wasn't a good coming out experience. I told my mum first. She just sobbed and repeatedly asked me to say it's not true. But I couldn't. I had known I was 'different' for years but being gay was so wrong in my house that it wasn't mentioned during my childhood at all. Until I was about 15 years old I didn't know gay people really existed. When friends around me at school came out, I was just told by my parents to not hang around them as it's "dirty and disgusting". I was always told by my parents, especially my dad, that I had to marry "a nice white boy". Their point of view is beyond me, I don't understand that at all. In my view, love knows no race or sex. My girlfriend was Asian. When I told my mum, I had no choice. I thought that I could trust another family member with the knowlege that I had been in a relationship with a gorgeous girl for 4 months. I was wrong. She had started to tell other people in my family and I didn't want my parents to find out from someone else. So my mum knew the truth about me and told me not to tell my dad, so I didn't. At this point in my life I only went home at weekends as I studied away from home during the week. It came to Sunday, I was packing my bits to head back to halls and my dad pounded up the stairs. He forced open the door in my bedroom, pushed me against the wardrobe. His hands around my neck, face so close to mine each time he said anything with such nast his spit would land on my face. I didn't even flinch. I just stood there with a blank expression while he told me that "If you were a lad I would fucking drop you. If you decide to be this way you are not my daughter. You are not welcome in my house" etc. As soon as he left my room I just grabbed anything I needed and left. Since then I've never had a relationship with my dad. In his words to me "you are dead to me", I don't think I have any chance of sorting things out. Not that I didn't try for the first 5 years. As for my mum, she didn't speak to me for 2 years but things are on and off with us right now. Those first years while this all kicked off with my family I didn't go home. My parents emotionally blackmailed me, they hurt me so much. They text me, called me, emailed me with messages telling me how much I had hurt them. How I wouldn't ever have a relationship with them as I had chosen this lifestyle over them. I was told that my whole family would hate me if anyone else knew. My parents even told me that I would never get to see my little sister again etc. To be honest I don't even remember most of this time in my life as I was so depressed. I hardly attended uni. I stayed with my girlfriend a lot of the time. She put up with my constant tears and mood swings etc. It was a hard time in our relationship too as she was struggling with health problems and was in and out of hospital most days. While all of this happened in my life with my parents she was supporting me and I was trying to support her. She had an organ transplant and was poorly for a year. We struggled through it all. Supported each other the best we could. So now, years later, my family all know about my sexuality. My parents moved out of the area as I 'shamed' them. So the situation that I am now in; I'm still with that gorgeous girl that I met when we were teenagers. We are happily married (civil partnered). My sister lives with us. She doens't know anything that happened with my parents from my side. She's not seen the pages of letters, the emails etc. explaining what a dissapointment I am, how disgusting and selfish I am and how they will never accept me, be part of my life etc. (in much worse language!). She is closer to my parents. She has a boyfriend that stays at our house regularly. We welcomed him into our home, welcomed my sister into our home. For the last few months things have just been awful when he has been here. He is quite immature and maybe it is just his sense of humour, but he comes out with things that are very offensive. Firstly, a number of weeks ago my wife and I were in a gay club with friends when my sister and her boyfriend turned up. While we were in the gay bar he was stood with his fists clenched and had such an awful expression that I asked my sister to leave. It was that bad that I could see the bouncers eyeing him up. As she refused to take him out, my wife and I decided to leave. In the street he continued to say how disgusting it was in the bar, how gay men especially are disgusting etc. This offended me so much. On the journey home he was so miserable and awful but I bit my tongue and said nothing. The week after he offended me because I overheard him referring to my wife as a (sorry, I hate this word, I don't even want to type it) "ni**er". This was the last straw. He had done other things that were distasteful but this really hurt me. I told my sister that I did not want people like that around me. If he has these homophobic, racist views then he needs to keep them to himself when he is around me. He cannot act like this around me, or in my home. Since then I haven't spoken to him but at no point have I said that he cannot come to stay with my sister. I have just made it clear that I will not go out of my way to make an effort anymore. So my sister left the house, cried to my mother - who called me to shout at me about why I am being like this, why I am being unfair and nasty by saying that I am not going to make an effort, to which I replied to my mother "Sorry mum but I don't think that you are in a position to tell me who I should and shouldn't have in my house. Let's get it right, I have not even told him that he cannot come to my house. I have only said that I am not going to make an effort with him. Mum, you are being hypocritical. You are telling me to welcome him into my house etc. but I am your daughter and I am not allowed in your house". At which point the conversation ended. Am I in the wrong here?
Jule, I'm suprised you're letting the guy anywhere NEAR your home, and honestly speaking if you haven't already asked your wife for her opinion on the matter, I would do so now. Your parents are a waste of air, let's get that straight. Your sister on the other hand, at the very least appears to accept you, even if her boyfriend is a complete dick. Honestly, I would ban him from the house. If your sister has a problem with that, you can tell her this sentence: "I dealt with enough bigotry growing up, my wife and I are not bringing it into OUR home" She will either accept that and leave it, or she will react to it. If she reacts then tell her. Show her everything you've got. Show her the kind of people her parents are. Make sure she understands that you wouldn't accept it from your parents and you sure as hell aren't going to accept it from him. You couldn't be more in the right here.
Ohh my GOd this literally tears me up! I want to send hugs to you (*hug*) you've been through a lot. It is so sad that our family who supposed to be there with us and support us yet they are the one who screw things up instead, say nasty things and forget it's their daughter, a human being who comes from their own womb and have the same blood. As for the question I don't think you are wrong. You have all the right to express how you feel inside, I know it's not right to say hurtful things because it's disrespectful and it's your parents but they also said nasty things to you they even kick you out in the house. Who in the right mind would do such things to their own daughter??. Why they can't just fully understand that you are different and that you have your own life?! it's not theirs to decide how are you gonna live your life or who you want to be with you know. Anyways I'm happy that you're married at least you are not going through this all alone that would be more hard. YOu are very strong person! I salute you for that.
Jule I'm sorry but in my opinion you need to purge these people from your life and not speak to them or otherwise interact with them unless they treat you with absolute, unwavering respect. That doesnt sound likely.
glad to hear you and your wife are still together after all you two have been through. you are 100% right imo. you two don't need all that negativity in your life and certainly not in your own home. your sister should have kicked him to the curb a looong time ago. stay strong.
Jule, you should have changed your e-mail and phone numbers. When I left home, my mother had to hire a private detective to find me, I disappeared that much. Why you want to reach out to your parents or even allow that rat bastard in your house anymore is beyond me.
Thank you guys. Sorry I Only just replied. Your messages mad me cry. I don't know why it still upsets me so much. I've already spoken to my wife about it. She's so easy going and forgiving about everything. She wouldn't even say anything. For me I would prefer someone to say something about me, I find it much harder if someone insults my wife. He hasn't been to our house since but we are not banning him. We have decided that he can have 1 more chance but if he says anything offensive again he can't come back to offend us.
