Forming relationships.

You are not alone. I used to feel the same way.
From your POV, you are being the pragmatist. The realistic person who is more doubtful of a relationship because they tend to fail. I always said the same thing.
The problems that I had, and that I think you probably have, were trust and security issues when it comes to letting people get deeply involved in my life. "Why on Earth would you want to make yourself VULNERABLE to someone else?" is what probably goes through your head.

I had this problem when I met my bf, and for probably the first nine months of us dating, I wouldn't let him get very deep into my head. I was very skeptical of any relationships because they tend to fail for people around my age. My bf and I split up for a brief period due to my skepticism. Thankfully, he summoned the courage to talk to me again and we re-kindled everything and started anew.

The second time around, I was very aware of my skepticism, and I worked on being more open, and worked on becoming more emotionally involved. It paid off.

To move forward, you need to understand this:
You're never going to form any true, long-lasting, love-filled (even if it's platonic) relationships unless you make yourself a little vulnerable.
It takes some thought and some deliberation to convince yourself to trust someone enough to make yourself that vulnerable, but some of time, it really pays off, and you form a trust-filled bond between each other.

The rest of the time, it fails and you feel bad about yourself because you made yourself vulnerable and the relationship didn't work out.
That's the game though. That's the game that almost everyone on Earth plays. You just have to deal with it.

I'm pretty sleepy, so I hope this wasn't too ramble-y.
Anyway - Hope you respond. I'm very curious to talk about this subject; maybe when I'm more awake. :sleep:

 

Yeah, you're definitely not alone. I concur wholly with TJs post, above.

Some other thoughts that (I hope) can help you a bit!

First off: it's extremely normal to feel like this after coming out. Think about it: you've spent years and years hiding in the closet, obfuscating any and all details that could lead people to figuring you out (and usually pretty much all other details because keeping things in becomes a reflex after a while). You've trained yourself to think that any opening up will lead to the sky falling down.
And even if you're out now, and the sky didn't fall, it takes some time to unlearn the panic reflex and being able to accept that opening up might not always be a bad thing.

Secondly: The first time is the scariest. When things were getting somewhat serious with my boyfriend, I had this moment where I freaked out and went "Wait... if we continue like this, and it goes wrong, it'll hurt more than anything has ever hurt me before :eek:!!"
And, in fact, that is true. You're opening yourself up to a lot of hurt.
So far things have gone rather well with my boyfriend, but if they would go wrong, then I would indeed be hurt more than I have ever been. Would I ever be able to try it again with someone else?
The answer is an overwhelming "Hell yeah, I would!!!"

Because, now that I found out what the possible prize is like if it works out, I feel the potential hurt is worth it. Because when it's going well, it's also more awesome than anything else out there.
Like TJ says, it's the game everyone plays. and yes, it might take you some tries to win at it. But winning has benefits that do make the drawbacks of losing completely worth it, IMO.

Evidently, others feel likewise. So, even if things don't go their way, they tend to play again.


Finally: opening up isn't an all or nothing deal. I didn't mail my boyfriend a list of provate intimate secrets the day we got together. We've known each other for over three years now (not all that time as boyfriends, but still), and I still weekly find out new things about him (and, I'm sure, vice versa). People are endlessly complex and you can keep finding out more about them.
Also, in the early days of dating, we agreed that it was quite allright to occasionally refuse to answer some questions, if they made us uncomfortable.

So, don't see it asgiving someone unlimited access. think of it as opening up one bit at a time. It's perfectly allright to only share your name and what hobbies you like and relating on a superficial level, and surrendering bits and pieces as you become used to it. Tell one thing, and get used to the sky not falling. Only then, you tell the next thing!


At any rate, that's my opinion. But I hope it can provide some help!

 

Honestly, I think you just need to do a bit of thinking. I don't mean to seem insensitive, or like I'm trying to put you in your place, but you have to give people a bit more credit than you are right now.
If you're afraid to be sympathetic to someone because you don't want them to see your 'sensitive side', then you need to question yourself more, try to explain your feelings, and find out what's bugging you.
People aren't out to get you, and even if they were, what you show them about yourself in everyday situations isn't giving them any ammunition to attack you with.
Work on being less self-conscious around people. That'll help you move forward as a person.

As for not knowing what you'd do in a relationship - that comes with the relationship.
Every one is different. They all have the same underlying messages/vibes of love, but each one is different, and when you're in one, you and your partner'll feel that out for yourselves as you go.
What you should continue to work on now is interpersonal interactions with everyday people.

Push yourself to be more open with people. Show your skin a bit more. You don't have to hand them a book about you, but don't be afraid to lend someone an emotional hand because you're afraid it'll affect you.
I'm not saying it'll be easy, but you yourself recognize that this is an issue, and you're not going to get through it without putting forth some effort.
This is my opinion, but hopefully it's helpful. Let us know what's up, and what's on your mind. <3

 

Hi, I'm new I just joined and what you're going through is very similar to my situation. I think that love is not real and I find it difficult to connect with people. My problem is I also have social anxiety, I saw a therapist and she helped me with learning to cope with it. But since starting University I haven't connected with one person and it has been 6 months, I think it will not happen. I will be alone and I just have to find a way to deal with it.

I don't show my emotions at all, when I was younger I associated it with weakness so I slowly learned to not let people in. My family are the only ones I let see the real me a bit, and if they new all of me they would no longer be in my life. The thought of opening up to people terrifies me so much, I think that being alone is the best and easiest way not to get hurt. On the outside I seem angry and cold, but I am just trying to hide the crippling fear. The worst part is that recently I have been feeling so alone that it hurts and I cry sometimes at night (pathetic I know). I just feel like relationships aren't possible for me and I just need to find a way to et used to being alone.

People will say try and talk to people, but it is too hard for me to put myself out there, I just feel like that they won't like me anyway and we will have nothing in common anyway, so why bother? To let someone in to me would be too much, it would feel like they have power over me and they would be able to break me anytime they wanted. So I would rather not set myself up to get hurt.

I'm sorry that I rambled on about this, but some of what you wrote I felt the same way about.

 

I have trouble forming relationships as well.

As a kid, had trouble letting people close to me because every time I did, I got burned eventually. I wanted friendships badly as a kid, and really tried to make friends like everyone else, but usually people got tired of me in the end because I wouldn't open enough to let them get to know me and the few that I let through it was hard because a lot of them kept passing judgement on how I lived my life. I knew people meant well, but it hurt me because I kept caring way too much what others thought and so I'd sacrifice my interests and opinions and views out of fear that if I revealed the real me that people wouldn't like me and wouldn't give me a chance.

I also had a tendency, and still have a tendency to attach to people when I really like them and want to be friends or even more with them. This I discovered in the past few years, as I spent years working on getting myself back to being more emotionally healthy after losing my dad to illness as a teen. It also explained why I had trouble forming relationships as well...my clingy tendencies come out and some people aren't that type, so they get easily annoyed and leave because it overwhelms them. I learned this only recently with my ex girlfriend/ex friend. I have a belief that she was too emotionally distant for me, and her being this way caused me to spiral into anxiety and clingy mode which annoyed and overwhelmed her because I think she wanted someone who wasn't so high maintenance emotionally. Ontop of that, she had some mental issues which also affected our former relationship and destroyed what lingered of our former friendship. I was recently diagnosed as having generalized anxiety and Aspergers and was told that both together can make the approaches too strong. I've since moved on to a new girlfriend, who treats me so much better than my ex did, and is understanding and accepts me for who I am. I do still have some trouble getting close, but I realize now that I'm the way I am because of how my ex and various others in my past treated me. My ex was emotionally distant, hot and cold, and treated me like I was an annoyance to her every time I wanted to talk to her or spend time with her. She did a lot of similar behaviors even as friends. I'm not even friends anymore with my ex gf because of these behaviors she pulls. But it's just something I continually work on, when you've been hurt multiple times it really does affect how you form relationships...whether they be platonic or romantic. I just keep trying with making friends...I know that somewhere out there, there's people out there just like me that like me for me, flaws and all. My trust issues are better now though in the past year than they were in the past, so I'm glad.