My dad reacted the way I thought he would

So after giving him a second chance at being in my life/an intervention for his behavior, this was some of the response I got. I've redacted some of it as some of it was inappropriate for this site or had nothing to do with the task at hand. But as much as I'd like to copy and paste this into an email and send it back, I'm not going to. But I felt that I had to respond to it in a place where he wouldn't see it and I'd have support from people that aren't biased by having a place in it. So here it is.

Dear (me) –

I was quite surprised to get a letter from you. The content of which is something I would have thought would have been better spoken, rather than written, but if that’s more comfortable for you then so be it.

A passive-aggressive intro. Nice way to start out, huh? Guess you don't remember when I told you I was afraid of you and whenever I talk to you I feel like I'm going to get tagged in the face. Anyway, this is a better way of communicating with you because you can't interrupt me during a letter and I can say everything I want to say uninterrupted.

In your 2nd paragraph you speak of anger issues. You say I get angry at small things and express them in unhealthy ways. I will freely admit my tone is often wrong. It comes off as angry when it truly isn’t. To help me better understand, please list for me examples of these small things and my unhealthy responses. Perhaps an Asperger’s brain is more sensitive / receptive to other people’s emotions, something I have failed to take into account. Maybe my failure to recognize this has only aggravated what shouldn’t have been an issue in the first place. And yes that is my failure, not yours.

So again, insist you don't have a problem and blame me for your problem and then say that the problem which doesn't exist is your fault, which you just got done saying was my fault, which doesn't exist to begin with. Nice try.

Your 3rd paragraph dictates that I must seek therapy because I have a job I dislike. Imagine a job where your boss’s boss is relentlessly stabbing his finger in your chest telling you that you can easily be replaced. Imagine a job where there once were 5 people in the department and now there is just me and one inexperienced new hire, and that the workload has increased. Not to mention additional redundant software that has been added and must be managed with no assistance. Imagine that when projects go late because other departments are equally swamped and do not get to your requirements at all. Then the boss says “I don’t care. Late projects are a good reason for me to get rid of you.” Then add all the email and phone calls pouring in while being the only person to support the North American market for my company. Then toss in my travel. Yes, it is detrimental to my health. It is killing me. But I am at my peak earning years. If I leave/get canned, IF I can find a similar job, it would be for 1/3 of what I make now. That 1/3 is not enough to support my family. This is known as ‘golden handcuffs’, meaning I cannot leave no matter how badly I want to / need to. I know the job is killing me. But family is more important to me than my own wellbeing, so I just suck it up and go back every day. For you to declare I “need therapy” because I recognize the ill effects my job has on me, simply demonstrates a lack of understanding on your part of the issues involved. Do I need better coping skills? You’re probably right. I do need a healthy outlet. Maybe I should return to martial arts for both stress relief and physical exercise. Maybe I should add meditation as well. I realize I’m not handling the stress as well as I should. The stress is a burden far greater than I ever dreamed. People that haven’t experienced it are very lucky. But you should know my perspective and understand that I like it even less than you. Much, much less. A little support rather than condemnation would be helpful.

I have worked a job like that and let me tell you something, I didn't come home and take it out on everyone. And I didn't use that as an excuse to emotionally abuse the people I lived with. You can take the high road like that all you want, but it doesn't excuse the behavior. It doesn't matter what the child broke or what the child said to you, is the state going to accept that as a valid excuse for beating your kid to a pulp? No. Again, excuses, excuses.

"Do I need better coping skills? You’re probably right. I do need a healthy outlet. Maybe I should return to martial arts for both stress relief and physical exercise. Maybe I should add meditation as well. I realize I’m not handling the stress as well as I should."

That's what therapy's for, you dumbass! It's to deal with these sort of issues.

"A little support rather than condemnation would be helpful."

Don't give me that crap. A little support rather than condemnation would have been helpful when I was suicidal, but instead you showed me the hospital bill and said "this is all your fault."

Playing the lottery ‘desperately’? $4-5 a week is ‘desperate’ and a ‘problem’? It is a therapeutic tool for me to have some small sliver of hope that the drudgery I endure everyday could end abruptly. How is this a ‘problem’? Please elaborate.

I didn't say it was a problem. It's not a problem in and of itself, however it's a sign of a bigger problem. And on that note, you answered your own question. Gambling is a therapeutic tool? That is a sign of a huge problem.

Your 4th paragraph was interesting. If all the stress in my life were to go away, I certainly would be less burdened, more carefree, a lot less wound up, and a lot more like the way I once was. But someone with 55 years in the real world, a psychology degree, and countless observations of the positive effect of retirement is no match for, say, the opinion of a college freshman who has never experienced any level of responsibility over the span of decades. Now in all fairness, your mother agrees with you to a point. She sees the damage the stress is having on me. She’s afraid that once I retire, the relief from all that stress might actually induce a heart attack. She points out that the stress is affecting me now, not just in the future. I can think of nothing better for me or my family than the reduction of my stress.

You're being condescending again, we talked about this. But to quote Ronald Reagan, "There you go again!" The way you once were? Please, you were just as bad back when you liked your job. It only got worse when this whole thing started! Just because you're older than me and have a college degree does not invalidate the point I'm making that you refuse to acknowledge that you have a problem. You sound like that classic line that alcoholics use: "I don't have a drinking problem, I can stop anytime I want. I just choose not to."

You say that for the reasons you stated “and others”, you’re not coming home. What are the “other reasons”?

Well in the unlikely event that you read this rebuttal, take a look at the title of this site, and my little profile off to the left. That's another reason I'm not going home is because I can't stand the thought of how you'd react to that news.

Do you think that someone willing to hurt his mother and brother by refusing to come home because of anger issues toward his father doesn’t need counseling? Do you think it is wise taking out needless loans to support this activity which will have a decades long impact on your financial well-being? You have many things at your hands - a free home, college tuition, no restrictions, all that comes with no strings attached. Nothing has ever been held over head so your mom and I do not understand how all this freedom without debt or restrictions is somehow crushing you.

Oh, guilt-tripping and more manipulation. Very nice. Like I haven't heard that one before. And everyone that I've talked to about this that didn't have a stake in the outcome says YOU'RE the one with a problem and that needs therapy. I have to hold on for dear life through all of this and try to keep myself sane.

While I understand that not everyone else in college has parents that can afford their tuition, most of them don't have extremely co-dependent parents, one of whom has an anger problem and comes home and takes out his frustrations on everyone at home, and another who takes it like a piñata and then turns around and defends the other one. You don't know this, and mom doesn't know that I know this, but mom wants to leave you. What's stopping her is the fact that her business isn't making any money and you own half of it anyway, so she wouldn't have any income to support herself. Bet you didn't know that, did you? My point exactly.

Perhaps you should discuss this with a cooler head like your mom, who can offer a perspective knowing all people involved yet not being between them.

Mom's biased in this whole thing and still defends your actions. I'm growing more displeased with her with each passing day.

Love,
Dad

Nice try, dad. I don't love you and I never have, and I never will.