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Sons and Daughters of Alcoholics

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Vampyrecat, Jul 23, 2008.

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  1. Vampyrecat

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    Coping with an alcoholic Parent or Relative.

    Some of you may be living with parents or perhaps relatives who are alcoholics. The purpose of this thread isn’t to show you how to cure your parents or relatives, but it is here to help you understand why they drink, how you can help them, and how you can cope living with them.

    It is NOT YOUR FAULT.
    No matter what they say, no matter what your other relatives may say, it is NOT your fault, and it NEVER was.
    THEY are the ones who choose to open a drink, and if they choose to have another, and another…and another….and another, then it is their choice, and you have nothing to do with it. It is also their body, their disease, telling them they cannot cope without alcohol in their system. Their psychological dependency also convinces them into believing that they cannot function or cope in any situation without alcohol.
    You would probably feel quite angry and upset that your parent or relative is an alcoholic, and most likely angry at their “Enablers” or the other partner in the relationship, who say they will handle it, but don’t actually change the situation. But it is never your fault.
    It is completely normal to feel angry and upset, but you mustn’t let that anger and hurt turn inwards on to you. You are a beautiful, healthy, vibrant being who has a lot going for them in life, and allowing all your anger and hurt to hide all those good things about you is really not going to help you.
    If you are feeling depressed or suicidal, tell someone. Your health and wellbeing is far more important then keeping a secret like your parent or relative is an alcoholic. Please tell someone if you are feeling this way. Even if it is just a friend, it can do you a world of good to get your feelings off your chest, to share your problems.

    Coping.
    Depending on what kind of alcoholic your parent or relative is, there are different ways of coping.
    If they are only in the beginning of being an alcoholic, drinking a fair bit, fairly often, then wait until they are sober and tell them how you feel, and how distressing it is to see someone you care about doing that to themselves. Sometimes, that could be all they need to make them wake up to what they’re doing.
    If they are a fairly bad alcoholic, and they are violent, abusive, plain nasty, then it is probably best to just barricade yourself in your room. Your safety trumps everything else. Of course if you have a young sibling, a way of coping together would be to have a “Camp night” in your room, if your alcoholic parent is having a particularly bad night (or string of nights).
    You can also play really loud music, dance around crazy, clean your room (it is surprisingly stress relieving), make something (anything, whether it’s a sock puppet or a paper Mache piggy) or even just call up a friend and talk about what’s happening.

    Since my parent is an alcoholic, does that mean I will become one too?

    Not necessarily. Although the children of alcoholics are at an increased risk of becoming an alcoholic, this is mainly due to the fact they have very little support.
    Their parent becomes so self involved with their alcohol and their own problems, they forget things like birthdays, school plays, holidays, Christmases, and lots of important events. This leads to their son or daughter, you, feeling like no one can be trusted, no one cares about how you feel, and no one will listen if you try to talk about how you feel.
    There are also increased risks of depression, suicidal thoughts (or acts, unfortunately), anxiety disorders and compulsive behaviour in the sons/daughters of alcoholics and alcohol abusers.

    But there are support groups out there who WILL listen to you if you want to talk, and they DO remember things that are important to you, and they ARE really caring about your welfare. There are many people who do care about you and they would do anything to help you, rather then let you become another kid who gives up on life.
    For example, you could talk to one of your close friends, or maybe a teacher at school you trust. Teachers, (believe it or not) are there to HELP you if you need it, and that help doesn’t always have to be with working out a maths equation.
    There are also almost always school chaplains or counselors who will book appointments and set aside a couple of hours or so at a time, and who can listen to you, and help you work out what you want to do.
    There are also telephone support networks such as Childline in the UK (0800 1111), Kidshelpline in Australia and 1-800-273-TALK (8255) (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: USA). These numbers are ALL toll free (they don’t take up credit on your phone or phone bill), and the number doesn’t show on your parents phone bill if you use the landline phone.

    If you really feel that you cannot talk to anyone about it, then write down how you feel, why you are feeling the way you feel, what set you off, everything that comes into your head, in a diary. Make sure you put it somewhere only you know where it is. If you want to write poetry, do it. If you want to throw a ball as hard and fast as you can at a brick wall, do it. If you want to scream into your pillow, do it. If you want to punch a punching bag, paint, sing, dance, or scream, then just DO it. If it helps get your feelings off your chest, then you need to get it off your chest so that afterwards, you can take a look at the situation and say
    “Okay, I feel better. What next?”
    Well, if you’re feeling better, then it’s probably a good idea to get out of the house and go for a walk or run or shop until you’re sure you’re feeling better. By getting out of the house, you’re also getting away from the problems of living with an alcoholic, and that in itself will make you feel a bit better, even if you know that at the end of the day, you need to go back to it, even if just for a little while.

    What is it?
    Alcoholism is a mental and physical disease.
    It is NOT your fault. It never is. Alcoholics can find it difficult to cope in certain situations without having a drink in their hand. If they withdraw from their drinking patterns, it can make them moody, depressive, angry, irrational, and it can make them feel quite sick.
    Aside from that, it also has long lasting effects on your body. Your liver can only process one standard drink in an hour. If you continually drink and give it no time to rest, you can end up with liver disease. Alcohol is also directly linked to violence, and foetal alcohol syndrome, which is where a baby is born with defects because the mother drank while she was in the early stages of pregnancy.


    Why do they drink?

    In the beginning, it may be just for enjoyment. You know, like my treat to myself is a bar of chocolate. Well, in the case of your parent or relative, their method of enjoyment may start out with a couple of drinks after a hard day’s work.
    And there’s nothing wrong with a couple of drinks. However, it is when those drinks begin to interfere with their life that you can tell they are an alcoholic. This may come in the form of verbal abuse (calling you names or putting you down), physical abuse, sexual abuse, or even mental abuse.


    How can you help them?
    It sounds a bit harsh, but an alcoholic really is the only one who can help themselves.
    and that first step is already one of the hardest. Most alcoholics know that what they are doing is wrong, yet they don't stop.
    Often relatives and friends indirectly support the alcoholic - you pick them up if they are drunk. You lie for them in front of other friends, their boss or whatever. You try to fix things, relationships and whatever they broke. One thing psychologists say is that you need to let them hit "rock-bottom".
    Throw him/her out, cancel any support. Let them deal with their mistakes, but always assure them, that you will support them if they decides to try rehab. At some point they might be ready for it. Insist on going to a rehab clinic, NEVER try to get them "dry" without medical care . If he/she is going to the rehab clinic, go with them! Most clinics include the family in their counseling, an important part for both - the family and the alcoholic. Also check with the doctors that he/she did not lie about the amount of alcohol they consumed before. The alcoholic will get a certain dose of a surrogate in the clinic, but if they dose this wrong because of wrong data concerning the alcohol consumption the patient might get cramp attacks and/or fall into a coma.

    Medical Advice
    When it becomes a PSYCHOLOGICAL Dependency, this is when your parent or relative feels they cannot cope without alcohol. They may be trying to drown out problems from work, relationship problems, self esteem problems, or maybe just trying to block everything out, because life just doesn’t seem to work for them without Alcohol. These people are known as "Alcohol Abusers"
    When it becomes a PHYSICAL dependency, this is when your parent or relative's body cannot cope without alcohol. It becomes so used to having alcohol constantly in the system that their body cannot function properly, to get off the physical dependency, a supervised medical detox and rehab is needed. These people are known as "Alcoholics"

    Most alcoholics know that what they do is bad for them and their family. Sometimes they try to stay abstinent by themselves. Which - for an alcoholic (if they manage to stay abstinent) often will end up killing them. Like any addict, an alcoholic may believe that they can 'just stop' and be done with it. They cannot. That doesn't work for alcoholics
    If somebody tries to become abstinent or doesn't get enough alcohol they might get cramps, or fall into a coma. Cramps usually being the first sign.
    When somebody gets a cramp attack this might dangerous for them. People have seen patients smiling at them, and just a second later falling over, straight on their face.
    If somebody has a cramp attack it's important to remove everything in proximity with which they could hurt themselves(chairs etc), and if you have something in reach, try to put something between their teeth, because it can happen that they could bite off their own tongue.
    If somebody falls into a coma call an Ambulance IMMEDIATELY.

    Signs to look for in an alcoholic who is withdrawing from alcohol.
    Psychological:

    Irritability, Anger, Hallucinations, Anxiety.
    Physical:
    Tremors, cramps, headaches, nausea, shaking, excessive sweating, palpitations.

    If your parent or relative is semi or unconscious, it’s essential you use DRABC to assess the situation and the danger your parent or relative is in.


    Danger: Check to make sure there is nothing which can cause danger to yourself or your parent/relative. If this involves sticking your fingers into their mouth to scoop out vomit, then do so, otherwise they can choke on it and die.
    Response: Take their hand. Ask them to squeeze it. Do this several times. Ask them their name. Gently shake their shoulders and ask them their name again. If they seem semi conscious but are not fully responsive, you may want to try a sternum rub. To do this, rub your knuckles firmly across the sternum (middle of their chest). If they are unresponsive call for help immediately. If you are alone, call an ambulance, otherwise, call another adult or person in from the next room.
    Airway: Check their airways to make sure that nothing can obstruct them.
    Breathing: Lie your parent or relative flat on their back and put your hand on their chest. Tilt their head back and open their mouth, put your face near their mouth and look along at their chest while listening to their breathing. Your hand should be moving up and down. Alternatively, find a shiny surface and hold it to their mouth or nose. There should be mist on the surface, and this shows you that they are still breathing.
    If they are not breathing, and you have not already done so, call for help/ambulance and immediately begin CPR. 30 chest compressions and 2 breaths every minute. Do not stop until the ambulance arrives.
    Circulation: In all reality, if they're not breathing, then there’s not much chance of circulation, and vice versa, however, it really helps if you know what their pulse is like and where to locate it. Never use your thumb, because it has a pulse of it’s own.
    To check their carotid pulse, trace a line with your finger from the corner of their mouth down their chin and towards the fleshy part near the adams apple area. On one side only next to the adams apple, press down, and you should be able to feel a pulse.
    To check for their radial pulse (the one in their wrist), place two fingers on the underside of their wrist, near the top. You should be able to see bluey veins, which will show you where to place your fingers.


    If they are Abusing you.
    Report it.
    It is never okay for them to hit you, or your siblings or your other parent or anyone else.
    If you are seeing a counsellor, then TELL them you are being beaten. They will be able to discreetly and quickly notify the correct people who will be able to assess the situation, and if needed, they will be able to get you into a better environment. The may involve you staying with some other relatives or some friends, and if that’s not possible, then other possibilities, such as temporary foster care, may be looked at.
    Even foster care would be better then being beaten by a person who supposedly cares about you.
    If it means your parent or relative is forced into Alcoholics Anonymous or into Rehab by telling someone who reports it to the police, then you are helping them get a handle on their addiction, and you are keeping yourself safe, and your personal safety and wellbeing is the most important thing.
    If you find yourself unable to directly tell someone, then write a letter to anyone who can help you. Your friend. Your friend’s mom or dad. Your counsellor. A teacher. A sports coach. If they are an adult, you can tell them, and they will try to help.

    For some useful websites with more information go to:
    http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/?Media=PlayFlash
    http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/alateen.html
     
  2. GuitarGirl1350

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    Thanks for posting this.
    Too many people feel it is their fault that a relative is an addict. There's much guilt, blame, and self-hatred associated with that, and it's so sad.
     
  3. silas99

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    Thanks for your post vampirecat. People should not feel guilty about the alcohol dependency of their parents and your post highlights what kids in those situations may encounter.xxx
     
  4. nomoresickness

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    thanks for posting this!
     
  5. Just Adam

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    can i get a reworked version of this to give my friends about me?
     
  6. NeonCookies

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    This is a great post wish that i was able to read this a few years ago my mom was an alcoholic so was my step dad, i know what it is like to go through something like that i felt like everything was my fault, it is sad that you can not help them out my mom ended up actually dying from this disease :frowning2: and i felt like she missed out on the most important things in my life but i have grown up since then and i have learned not to blame myself

    Thanks again for your great advice :slight_smile:
     
  7. RainbowVampire

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    thanks for this. it's helpful ^_^
     
  8. Thank you for this. I read it whenever my mom disappears after a drinking binge. It hurts to know that I've lost a significant part of my childhood because my mom is so dependent on the alcohol. I sometimes feel like she doesn't care about me at all, because I know that she would stop if she did. She's been a hardcore alcoholic for longer than I've been alive. It feels good to know that others have been through what I've been through. It makes me feel a lot better.
     
  9. TheTangoMaureen

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    This describes exactly how I feel. Thank you for sharing it.

    Thanks for this thread. It's golden. X
     
  10. MIJ VI

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    And now, some 2.5 years later the first link is broken. Here's a substitute which appears to be close to the original in terms of its subject matter:

    http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/alcohol-abuse/default.htm

    The 2nd and 3rd links still work.
     
  11. polarduck14

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    My mom recently overcame her alcoholism and joined AA. I really felt like I was alone when she was drinking excessively and passing out on the couch. I wish I had found this discussion sooner and I saw that I truly am not alone. Thank you so much for this post; I truly feel like there are people out there who understand. :slight_smile:
     
  12. AmandaLee

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    I've accepted my dad's alcoholism. I'm 25 and I really don't see him anymore. I've tried visiting with him weekly just to hang out for a few hours and chat, but sometimes he drinks so much that he just gets angry at everything and super irritated and thats just when i leave. I've gone out to meet him for some drinks (which I know probably isnt a good thing, but I wanted to visit with him and he was already out) and it ended with him screaming at me and calling me all sorts of horrible names (names that the worst person in the world would call you, never your father). It sucks because I thought it would be okay if we hung out and had some drinks, but he doesnt know when to stop and then he gets really nasty. I KNOW it's not okay, and I don't let ANYONE treat me like crap, but with my dad I give him a couple chances, thinking that maybe he'll realize that he shouldnt be treating his daughter that way, but he does it again and then I don't have contact with him for a long time.

    The only reason I had contact with him the last time was because I got sick with Lymphoma and I think THEN he realized he should treat me like a daughter. Sick, right? It took cancer to make him snap out of it....for a little bit anyway. Well now I'm in remission and it's back to the same old ways. We had a great night at the fair last summer, until he drank soooo much and then when I wouldnt take him to stop and get beer (at 2AM because I said "don't you think you've drank enough?") he FLIPPED....and i was DRIVING --because I have to drive his ass everywhere because he doesnt drive. Actually, I just found out that he got a car (I hope to GOD he doesnt drive drunk, but I know he will).

    ANYWAY...I sent him a Christmas card, but then not a birthday card and I feel horrible about not talking to him or seeing him-- he doesnt have my phone number, and hasnt had it for about 10 yrs because he will just call constantly and leave HORRIBLE messages-- so I'm going to send him a belated bday card but I have no idea what to say. I'm so sick of just letting him think everything is ok, but I know he's never going to change at this point, He used to go to AA meetings, and I was so proud of him...but that was many many years ago.

    I guess I'm just venting here, but is anyone in a similar situation at all??? I feel kind of alone because I'd like to have a relationship with my alocoholic father, but at this point I fell like my stepdad is ABSOLUTELY more of a dad than my actual dad. Ugh. I just don't know what to do anymore...

    Thanks to whoever is listening... :-/
     
  13. lulu165

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    I am glad to hear you are in remission, Cancer is a terrible thing but I am sure you already know that, I would like to tell you that I am in a similar situation.
    Though I am 17 and he is the only parent I have. My mother moved half way across the united states, and I have lost contact with her. While reading your description of your father, it was like someone writing my story for me with a few minor differences. I live with him, I have to deal with it daily, When he first started to drink it was when he was married to my mother, to escape his problems but with time alcohol became his problem. It makes him mean, he says terrible things, he makes me feel as if I am 2 inches big.

    I had a choice you know, to live in Texas with my mother or Washington with my father. either option had more negatives than positives. The one who bore me, we had no relationship while she was here, I could move with her and start my high school life over, half way through, in a small hick-town in Texas or I could stay in Washington with my father who is very verbally abusive, emotionally and mentally abusive, But have my best friend by my side to help me through it. I chose to stay. I regret it often seeing as how the emotional pain he inflicts upon me is taking over my life, making me fall behind in school. I also feel like a burden on my best friend who just doesn't understand. If I would have went to Texas I would have felt the pressure of overly Conservative people, forcing me to stay in the closet longer, but then again, I am in Washington still stuck in my closet still because, I am too afraid to step out and be ridiculed.

    I have strayed off topic so I will just shut up
     
  14. Mercy

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    lost dad to alchaholisum drugs n suacide :frowning2: i feel at fault still
     
  15. greeneyes

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    thank you for posting this! after three years of my father being sober, it still doesn't quite hit me what effect all of it had on me.
     
  16. lilyoflife

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    I completely agree with this article.
    I guess people find it easier to make excuses and draw attention to themselves as a victim. To cry a river of tears and feel sorry for yourself, give up because you had a bad beginning.
    What they are in denial of is that they are capable of change and it is ironically easier to change yourself for the better. Takes less muscles to smile than to frown.
    Being happiness is so much easier really, and there really is no path to happiness, happiness is the path.
     
  17. just b urself

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    thank u man.means alot
     
  18. trannydude

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    This post really helps. When i was little i didnt understand my moms drinking,. But the older i got the more i tried to ignore it whenever she opened another beer. I waited for one of her rare sober moments to come out her her. She still flipped out. Ever since her drinkings gotten worse, last night she got drunk and set my binder on fire.
    i dont think i can ignore it anymore.
     
  19. GayJay

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    Thanks for posting this. It really helps. My dad is an alcoholic and because of this he is the only one who i haven't came out to. He is homophobic anyway but telling him this will only anger him. Plus he has no self control and a history of violence. But yeah reading this makes things slightly easier.
     
  20. AloneOutHere

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    How come they blame me then? Why do they tell me everything is MY fault. That I ruined everything.
     
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