Gay Relationship Advice - Love or Leave? Help!

Hello,

I have been in a relationship for over a year now, and for a while I have been having a lot of doubts.

We get on really well, and are basically best friends. Although we are close, I fear that we have completely different life aspirations, and goals. I enjoy his company and the time that we spend together, but I sometime doubt our long term connection?

I often get frustrated with his lack of life choices, aspirations, or energy to do anything extra in his life. I often feel my self trying to mold him to be something different, and I know this is wrong and damaging, but I can see my self doing it all the time. We are complete opposites, and even recently, I have found my self getting irritated with certain mannerisms that he has employed when around certain people. He has assured me that the mannerisms are the true him and he is not putting it on.

With my self soon moving away for a year, we will be separated. I don't know if the relationship has a strong enough connection to try and last the year apart. I don't know if I want to put my self through that, or him, but I fear breaking up, as well as the pain of not seeing him ever again.

I feel lost and unsure as to where I am in the relationship? Am I scared of losing him as a friend, rather than the relationship? I have been in relationships before where I quickly get cold feet and break up. This is my longest. I don't know if this is me getting cold feet, or if the relationship is genuinely not for me?

I often flip sides of "I need to break up", to the next day of being happy. I don't know what to do?

 

I wholeheartedly concur with what GreatWhale said, however, I want to add a few points.

While it is important to have similar aspirations, I think that there are some that don't need to be shared. For instance, a couple needs to feel similarly about marriage and children (two major goals that involve both people), but if it is an aspiration that affects you, singularly, it isn't very important that he share it with you (examples like what weight you want to be, which career path you wish to follow, etc.).

One more thing, you mention "cold feet."

While I am certain numerous people experience cold feet at some point in their lives, if it is a consistent feeling then you might consider weighing that in. Should your relationship be subject to your "quick, cold feet"?

 

We are complete opposites in nearly all life situations.

I fear that our life ambitions are completely different. Although I am no world explorer, I have ambition to do so, while he has no ambition to explore anywhere, or to try any new things. I understand to a degree, because that is just what he is like, and it makes him who he is.

I appear to be at a cross roads where I don't know if this relationship has a strong enough connection to carry it on, or if I want to carry it on? I love him a lot, he makes me laugh and we do have good times together. But I something feel as though these good times are really fun, but is it something that I want to take further into life?

I something feel like I do this. We recently had an argument of which developed through my viewpoint that "we don't go anywhere, do anything". After his assurance that we do, and my examples of how we don't, he started crying which broke my heart as I did not want that to happen.

He pointed out that he has no money so we can't go anywhere. Which is understandable. But he spends around 70% of his free time doing nothing, where he could be getting a job. I understand that not everyone wants a job so I am not too fussed about that. Although he has just bought a £1000 laptop into his overdraft. So now he definitely has no money to do anything....Even walks, or trips that are free usually fall on deaf ears.

When I talk about cold feet, it is more a personal question. People often regard me as a lone ranger, or an introvert in many respects. I enjoy friendship, and company of others, but also enjoy my time alone. I something fear that this can maybe cloud my judgement of wanting to be single.



It appears as though I have painted a bad picture of him. He is not a bad person. He is someone who has many friends, and everyone loves him. I love him as well. But frustration arises of the lack of ambition, or drive to accomplish anything. Although I love him, I sometimes doubt my self, as when I don't feel those 'butterfly's, or a desire to be close at times.