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Could my husband be gay or bisexual? Had an Arranged Marriage

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Sharanya, Apr 2, 2014.

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  1. Sharanya

    Sharanya
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    Hi,
    I am an Indian girl, 27, married for a year, hubby is 31, four years elder to me. I had an arranged marriage, I knew that husband lived & worked in Singapore, I live in India. I had spoken to my husband a few times before marriage on the phone or Skype, & met him a few times before marriage.

    After marriage, husband only wanted to have sex some two times a week, mostly on weekends, there were a few weeks when he wanted sex just once a week.
    After marriage I moved to Singapore, & his parents too came to settle us in for three weeks. While his parents were around we barely had any sex, although they had their separate room & we had complete privacy in our room.

    Even after they left for India, husband would come back from work around 6.45 to 7.30 but would mostly not have any sex, he'd want to go watch a movie, eat out or even if we had dinner at home, he'd go to sleep in front of the TV, he claimed this is what he'd done in his bachelor days.Even during weekends, he'd never do it more than once a day.He also claims that his friends too only have sex during the weekends, but his friends have been married for 4+ years & most are home only during the weekends as they're Consultants.We have a three bedroom condo with complete privacy.

    Right after marriage my husband told me that it was very essential I find some proper job in Singapore as he wants to do a full time MBA & would try for INSEAD Singapore or American B Schools & be off to USA for two years & he wanted to come back to Singapore & job hunt on my Dependent Pass. I was shocked to hear this, as before marriage, husband & family had given us the impression that they're very against long distance relationships & also cancelled a girl's alliance who wanted a long distance relationship for just a year for job reasons.

    He tried for INSEAD for the September 2014 batch & was rejected, he's now reapplying to INSEAD for the January 2015 batch & wants to apply to other US B Schools as well.

    My husband is very particular about his appearance, he has a lot of products like different face & body washes, perfumes etc (one of his friends' wives used to tease him that he has more products than he does), he's got a hair weaving done in Singapore as he was balding, he checks out his hair in the mirror all the time. I've sometimes felt by some of his mannerisms & his smile that its a bit unmanly but then he's very narrow shouldered & lanky panky so I can't be sure. Once when we had some dispute over his MBA application, he told me to go & stay in my hometown for a month so that he could apply in peace & this was barely five months into our marriage.

    He is also facing career stagnation & no pay rise for two years in Singapore-his friends in Singapore make 2.5 times what he does(they also work much harder btw), he's obsessed with living in Singapore, his application for PR has been rejected thrice-could his lack of interest in sex & writing MBA applications etc be due to stress & peer pressure or due to gay/bi/asexual tendencies?

    I've spoken to my mother & maternal aunt about all this, they too had arranged marriages & they said that in the first few months or even a year into marriage, men are extremely keen to do it everyday & even more than once a day.

    Btw, I'm considered very beautiful by most people, my husband also said that he married me because he considers me so pretty & to the best of my knowledge, he doesn't have any past relationships(neither do I btw).
     
    #1 Sharanya, Apr 2, 2014
  2. Clay

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    It's possible. His lack of interest in sex seems to be strange for a straight guy, but there are older guys here who would know more about this.

    How would you react if he was? I assume you have kinda come to terms with it already, hence posting here.
     
    #2 Clay, Apr 3, 2014
  3. Sharanya

    Sharanya
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    I know, I have asked him about this, I've told him that newlyweds usually do it at least once a day, he says that sex isn't particularly important to him anyway which is why he never wanted to get married in the first place. We have a maid who comes once a week, she told me that his mother had told her that she wants him to get married, but he never wanted to get married at all. He told me that when his parents had insisted that he get married, he'd told them that he wants to do an MBA, his dad told him to do it after marriage, as "many" men do their MBA's after marriage-although I don't know anyone in an Indian arranged marriage who did their MBA post marriage(neither can he give me any such examples).They hadn't told us anything about this whole MBA thing either.He also said that all his friends in Singapore were married so that also exerted some social pressure on him to get himself a wife.

    I haven't seen a lot of sexual interest in him at all, tbh, even if I would try to arouse him, he'd only be mildly aroused, I've never seen him in the throes of passion-its like we're a middle aged married couple.
     
    #3 Sharanya, Apr 3, 2014
  4. Sharanya

    Sharanya
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    How would I react if he was? Well I can live with it, sex isn't the most important thing in the world for me. But I would like my husband around, rather than off for MBA's & stuff for two years & eventually I'd like children.
     
    #4 Sharanya, Apr 3, 2014
  5. Sharanya

    Sharanya
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    I would like some more gay men to answer please, I am really keen to get to the bottom of this.
     
    #5 Sharanya, Apr 3, 2014
  6. Reptillian

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    Asexuality is yet another possibility or even a variation of heterosexuality which can be considered asexuality by some meanings could be another possibility if he's straight.
     
    #6 Reptillian, Apr 3, 2014
  7. SaleGayGuy

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    Hello Sharanya

    Firstly welcome to EC.

    I am not at all familiar with your culture or the way that people in arranged marriages relate to each other so my comments are just general observations from a western point of view. I am also only recently out as a gay man in a 25 year straight marriage.

    From what you have written I think the most likely explanation for your husband’s lack of interest in sex could well be due to stress of his job and wanting to get accepted for an MBA, stress of work is certainly well known for causing older guys to lose interest in sex. If I was doing an MBA I would want to do this before I had kids.

    As far as the hair products are concerned I would imagine any guy who was balding would have an obsessive interest in his hair and want what was left of it to look its best. I don’t know what your husband does but if he works in a multinational consulting firm in difficult economic times he may well be trying to keep his appearance compatible with the corporate norm which could be based on a different culture entirely.

    You have not mentioned him showing any interest in guys or catching him looking at gay porn so I would be inclined to think his lack of interest in sex is probably more stress related.

    Hope this helps.

    Sale Gay Guy



    P.S. Some professions, like IT, are very ageist so this could add to the stress especially for someone who was already balding.
     
    #7 SaleGayGuy, Apr 3, 2014
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2014
  8. greatwhale

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    Hi Sharanya, welcome to EC!

    Let's examine the logical construct here:

    Given that he does not seem to have as much interest in sex as you would like, you are tentatively concluding that he might be gay, correct?

    It does not follow, however, that guys with a low heterosexual drive are necessarily gay and it does not follow either that they aren't. Suffice it to say that you simply do not have enough evidence from low sex-drive alone (a necessary but insufficient condition). As others mentioned above, there can be many other factors involved.

    Sexuality is an attraction, it is a direction of desire, a consistent and persistent attraction to either the opposite or the same gender. In order to know if he is gay, you need to know whether he is attracted to people of the same sex, and that, unfortunately, is a very difficult thing to prove.

    What you have outlined is suggestive only, not concluding evidence.
     
    #8 greatwhale, Apr 3, 2014
  9. Clay

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    The poster above made a good point about stress, it could be that. And caring about hair products when he's balding seems completely normal.
     
    #9 Clay, Apr 3, 2014
  10. Sharanya

    Sharanya
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    Hi Sale Gay Guy,

    We always use contraception, so I don't know how much the kids thing is an issue for him. About the age thing, he was 30 when we got married, he's now 31, this is not really an "older guy".

    Husband hasn't lost interest in other aspects of his life apart from sex, he is very interested in cricket & plays during the weekends, about 2 months after we got married, I had gone to India to attend a friend's wedding(husband was very keen that I go & stay for a few weeks) & right after I returned, he joined a late night cricketing session.

    He's also quite social, he's got this group of friends in Singapore where the men are all graduates from top Engineering & Management Colleges, he's extremely keen to hang out with them during the weekends etc-if he can do all this, why this lack of interest in sex only?

    I haven't seen him checking out gay porn, but as I mentioned, he's very obsessed about staying on in Singapore & he's got this social circle of people who're the "cream" in terms of their professional achievements, they're top i bankers & Consultants & he loves to hang out with these folks. He keeps mentioning that these people are the "cream" & he loves their company, which is why he loves Singapore, could it be that he gets some sort of sexual stimulation in these men's company?

    ---------- Post added 4th Apr 2014 at 12:18 AM ----------

    Another explanation seems that one of the guys in this group was one of his closest friends in school, my husband was quite a topper in school, so was this guy & now this guy is doing much better, he's a Senior Manager with McKinsey about to become a Partner, my husband's career hasn't gone as per his wishes, but he likes to hang out with these folks because he can then feel he's still the "cream" by basking in their reflected glory?

    My husband does make quite a few homophobic comments on many occasions, I'm personally totally pro gay marriage etc,husband says he doesn't understand gays, he's opposed to India legalizing homosexuality & gay marriage-but then some homophobes can be be homosexuals too.

    He was badly bullied in his first year in College, he says he was bullied because "either they loved my face or they hated my face". He also mentions an occasion when he was having a debate with a gay guy- that guy suspected my husband is gay.
     
    #10 Sharanya, Apr 4, 2014
  11. YaraNunchuck

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    It's a pity your husband is so homophobic, for someone so young. However, on the main issue: this is really thin gruel to think your husband is gay. You haven't really given us evidence of same sex desire.

    Your husband seems to have unusual intimacy problems. Maybe you should see if you can get couples' counselling or something like that .
     
    #11 YaraNunchuck, Apr 4, 2014
  12. Clay

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    Yeah, reading your most recent post, it just seems like he's so work centric that sex is secondry. And like was mentioned above, it could be stress.

    You're right that homophobia doesn't mean he can't be gay, loads of us have gone through a homophobic stage, but then again a lack of interest in sex doesn't indicate an orientation.

    Given the evidence you've provided it just seems like he's more interested in his work and his social standing/circle of successful friends than he is with you, his wife. But there's not enough evidence to suggest he's gay, chances are he's straight and you're having relationship difficulties.

    You should speak to him about the problems you're having, not the gay stuff, but how you're feeling a bit ignored. It's better to address things like this sooner rather than later.
     
    #12 Clay, Apr 4, 2014
  13. theMaverick

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    I find it unlikely that he is gay based on the evidence you've provided. Lack of interest in sex does not make a person gay.
     
    #13 theMaverick, Apr 4, 2014
  14. Sharanya

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    Hi Pluvia,

    Husband maybe work centred but he isn't very hard working, a good work life balance is extremely important to him, he left his previous job in Singapore because he would manage to come home at 10 pm every night, he likes this job as he can knock off by 6-6.30 most days.

    Even after he does his MBA, husband says he won't do Consulting like his friends as there's "no life"-he wants a job with a good work life balance.

    He likes to do other things with his wife, or with friends-like watch a movie, he's sometimes brought movies home or watched movies on Youtube with me over the weekends-so its not like he doesn't like to do anything with wife-but sex is not as important to him as it is to most 30 year old newlywed husbands'.

    Also, I should mention here that husband says he doesn't want any children-he'd apparently had "long discussions" with his parents about this-because they obviously want a grandchild/ren & he'd even asked them to find a girl who doesn't want kids for him, but he says he might eventually have kids due to social pressure later because (in his words) I want & his parents want. Well, he also says that he might eventually move back to our hometown later & takeover the family business as his dad wants that-but I know he dreads that.

    So would he or won't he want kids eventually? Do gay or bisexual people usually want children in heterosexual relationships? No kids would be a dealbreaker for me.
     
    #14 Sharanya, Apr 4, 2014
  15. Ditz

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    Hi Sharanya

    To me it sounds like your husband is career focused at the moment. I was too a few years back and wouldn't consider having a family before I reached my goals. In hindsight that was stupid of me, but I'm thinking your husbands only goal right now is to get that MBA, which is not a bad thing to have, but it means sacrificing a year or two.

    As for the sex drive, stress can do that to you...

    Could you maybe join him in the USA when he goes to study over there?

    Also, if your not happy right now in your marriage, is it wise to have children?

    I must admit, I'm not at all familiar with arranged marriages, so I don't know what options you have. To me it sounds like your husband wasn't ready for this and until he finished his studies your marriage is going to take a backseat...

    I doubt he is gay.
     
    #15 Ditz, Apr 4, 2014
  16. fortheloveoflez

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    I hope this doesn't come off as too direct. But is your issue with his lack of libido due to the fact that people say this is not normal behavior for husbands or is it just that you don't like the lack of libido because it makes you feel unsatisfied? I guess I am also from a different culture so I am not sure how culture may come into play.


    Also, some people who are gay or bisexual may want kids. Others don't. Being gay doesn't mean neccessarily that you don't want marriage or a family; all it means is that you are attracted to the same gender.
     
    #16 fortheloveoflez, Apr 4, 2014
    Last edited: Apr 4, 2014
  17. Sharanya

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    He doesn't want to take me there, he wants me to be a placeholder for him in Singapore while he does his MBA in USA.

    He wasn't at all keen to get married, his parents dangled the carrot in front of him that his wife is going to keep the seat warm for him in Singapore while he does this MBA...

    His only goal isn't this MBA, he wants to reach where his friends are... that might never happen in this lifetime, a 35 year old MBA who wants a good work life balance & a very high salary too might not land all of this ever...
     
    #17 Sharanya, Apr 4, 2014
  18. Clay

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    Well in answer to your questions, no one but him can say. If he is gay, which I don't think he is, that wouldn't be an indicator of whether or not he wants kids. There are many gay guys here who managed to get into straight marriages and, from what I've seen, they tend to have about 2 or 3 kids on average. People want to have kids, regardless of their orientation.

    But saying that, not everyone wants to have kids. I know of many straight relationships where they don't have kids, simply because they don't want any. As you pointed out your husband doesn't want kids, but he feels like he needs to have them for other people (you and his parents).

    To put some personal opinion in here, I don't think this is fair to either of you. He doesn't want kids at the moment and only thinks he needs to have them to please other people, and you suspect that he might be gay and are feeling unsatisfied, but want kids so much that you could "live with" him being gay (and therefore not sexually attracted to you) if it meant you had them. To me that doesn't sound like this is a healthy relationship to bring kids into. I think it would be unfair to both of you if you had kids right now.
     
    #18 Clay, Apr 4, 2014
  19. Ditz

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    That's a tough one... It sounds like you are basically being used which is incredibly sad.

    I don't know if I can give you any advice, the concept of an arranged marriage is totally foreign to me... Do you love each other? If things don't work out are you allowed to have a divorce or is that impossible?
     
    #19 Ditz, Apr 4, 2014
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