So I am dating a guy who is completely in the closet. On the other hand I am completely out. To be honest, while I like this guy and I care about him (if I didn’t I would not be having this dilemma right now), the whole situation is causing me a lot of stress and I have loads of mixed feelings. It reached the point where I thought I needed to give him an ultimatum or otherwise I would go crazy. So I told him on the phone that we needed to do something about it and that as much as I like him I thought things were not going to work like that and that I was already quite worried. He answered on a really defensive way, and said that he told me that he was not out from the first date (which is not exactly true since he told me next day after speaking for a while, but I guess that is not important). Anyway we decided to talk things in person since that way it would be better. So we met, and nothing meaningful was said because he looked really down and teary. I know that is really bad but as I said, I do like him and on top of that I hate hurting people. After that we have had a couple of dates, I have helped him move to his new place, basically as if nothing was wrong. This is in part because I want it to work but I am not seeing any progress I feel that I am not mature enough to handle this. I am really extroverted. I go to LGBT nights out and activities as well as going out with my straight flatmates and friends. I keep trying to invite him but he doesn’t want to come to anything (even if there are no other gay people around, just my straight friends who do not care at all). When I am with him in private everything is fine we are really affectionate towards each other and we enjoy each other company and have nice sex. However... 1-We have to hide that we are together whenever we are somewhere public. This makes me feel bad, reminds me bad times and I cannot help comparing myself with other gay and straight couples, so it frustrates me. 2-He doesn’t want to socialize at all either with my friends; it doesn’t matter if they are gay or straight. So I end up having to choose between him and my friends in my not so abundant free time. 3-He keeps saying things like “be good” or “don’t fool around” whenever I go out without him and that makes me feel bad about going out. 4-The whole situation stresses me out a lot, because I am really conflicted between wanting to help him and feeling bad with myself. 5-I have had relationships before that started really well and ended up dying (peacefully, but dying) so I don’t really feel ok about putting pressure on him. (Yeah I know this is true for any relationship but I do care about him and I know that being in the closet sucks and make people more vulnerable). 6-To be honest I think that if we were both out, given how we connect in private, we would be boyfriends right now instead of the “non defined thing” that we are I know this is a really messy message, but I am quite stuck right now. So any (kind, please!) advice would be really nice. This has been going on for more than a month now and I feel really stuck.
I wish I could help you. My boyfriend is the same way. His job would be harder if he came out, and he is afraid of his family. I just wish we could be accepted.
It might be better to give him time if u can do that but if he just going to make you wait. Is it really worth it? Caring and loving is awesome but hiding is not very good way but im glad u can be who u are. Time, love and support is best way i think. Only if you can take it those. Anyway it seems like he aint ready to public it. Its way better not to force it. And try to think how it was for u at start. Maybe than u can understand and support him better? Try talk about it with him so u know whats the problem. Usually it should help.
I don't understand why he can't come out with you and spend time with friends, just because he would be around other gays, doesn't mean people would see him that way. A lot of straight people have gay friends and think nothing of it. Not willing to even hang out with you and your straight friends seems weird, unless he has social anxiety or thinks you'll want to hold his hand or something and he'll be seen. It just seems really weird to me. He doesn't have to come out of the closet, but he can at least spend time with you, I can see why he would want to hide the relationship in public but everything else just seems off. Maybe you should talk to him more about, he seems really introverted and I don't think you can change something like that, but give him more time. Maybe let him meet your friends or hang out with them at one of your places, but not too many at a time. That way he can get comfortable with them, without being in a big group situation. IDK, but I hope everything works out for you guys.
I am in the closet, not out at all and I don't want to be. I am developing a keeping regular contact a guy at college, that I hope in the future will turn into a serious relationship. By that I start saying that he is really similar to you mister Julieno, he is all the way out of the closet and for many years. He goes to dance clubs, he has millions of gay friends and one picture on his facebook profile has so many likes in 5 minutes that I can't think I ever had once in my life. Anyway... Assumpting he dates me, I wouldn't be like your boyfriend, I would like to be all touchy in public, I would kiss, I would hold hands, I would hang out wth his friends, I would do anything BUT if you start the subject "comming out to family" that's where things become gray. I respect and love mom, dad and uncles and cousis and everyone BUT my relationship with them will never be the same if in my 20's I come out as gay. I am not respected enough to stand up for my beliefs in a very conservative family. Understand then that closeted guys, specially in their 20's, maybe are not mature or confident enough to come out to everyone, specially family. I can just tell you not to force him AT ALL. He loves you and you love him back, don't let that beautiful thing go, unless you think your love for him isn't strong enough or real enough for you to fight for it. Cause that is the situation, sir. If you love him and specially, if you love to love him, you will have to understand his position. Try slowly to get him to hang out with your friends, by his rules in the beggining. Then you start moving forward, try to talk to him, take little steps to make him feel confident and open to at least your close friends. Then you try to make him be more free at a movie theater, for exemple, then to a wider place and so on... Bold words are important. Don't let him go if you love him.
Thanks, I hope things get better for you two Well my coming out was a bit weird since it involved moving to another country and living out from the very first day. And then that helped me to come out to family back at home. But yeah I understand what you mean. Well he is not introverted at all with his friends who do not know that he is gay I am afraid that the problem goes deeper than that and that he just doesn't want to be around anyone who knows he is gay. I want this to work but it seems that we are not in the same level at all so this is quite stuck. Yeah, thanks for your comment, but my problem is that he is not giving me any hope at all. I would date someone like you without any doubt.I will tell hi that we can go as slow as snails if he wants but that at least I need to know that there is room for a bit of breathing space in the future. That is going to be my only condition but I think I will be really strict on that point (letting more time pass before that conversation will only make it more difficult for both). It may suond selfish or immature but I feel like I need that. I am mesaging him saying that we need to speak tomorrow, I hope things go well.
You can't force someone to be out. I'm not totally out--I won't show affection in public, won't even hold my fiance's hand most of the time. I've been given plenty of reason in my lifetime to be afraid and I'm slowly gaining more confidence, but you can't rush these things because fear isn't always rational.
