As if the entire year hasn't been a total cluster fuck already...

So, right before Christmas last year, my best friend, S, ended things because she found out about my feelings for her. Dealing with the aftermath has been hellish, and has made for the worst four months of my life thus far. The loneliness has been crushing, and it doesn't help that I see her every day. I've only just started to feel marginally better.

I've been trying to look for a girlfriend for a while now. But it's not going great since I'm in high school, and I only know four other gay/bi girls in my grade. I've had a crush on V on and off since the start of freshman year. Which resurfaced when we came out to each other in October. Since then, things have been kind of "will we won't we" in my head. My crush on S was distracting me from her for a while, but I refocused on V after a while. And for the past two months I've been trying to figure out how to tell her I like her without it ending in me losing another friend.

Recently, I had a conversation with her about how much it sucks to be lgbt at our school, and I brought up the radiant beacon of shit that is the dating pool here. And she brushed it off saying, "You shouldn't be looking for love in high school." We wound up having almost that exact conversation today. Except she said, "I actually have a date next month, with this girl I met on tumblr."

So, yeah I feel great. I really, really liked this girl, and I am so mad at myself for letting her slip away. And the fact that I got beat by someone she met on FUCKING TUMBLR stings. I mean, why would you go to the internet to find someone when the girl sitting next to you who clearly adores you? I think she's probably figured out that I like her by now. (I suggled into her shoulder while we watched a movie, I handmade her a gift and card for Valentines, I tell her how beautiful she is a lot etc.) And yes, I know that just because I like a girl it doesn't mean she's obligated to like me back.

This whole thing feels like insult to injury. I mean, first I get destroyed for liking someone, then I miss out on my chance with the girl I've liked for over a year. At this point, it just feels like the universe is just trying to fuck me over. I'm assuming I'm to late by now. I don't know why the date would be schedualed a month in advance. I didn't ask. Does anyone have any idea how I can get through this with sanity at least partially intact?

 

Thanks for your words. I should say that I don't think what I'm looking for is specifically love. I'm 16. I think I'm looking for companionship, someone to go through the hard times with me. (Which in it's self is a form of love, I guess.) I'm really hoping that doesn't make me come off as cold-hearted, but it's the only way I can think to express it.

I don't know what prompted her to say that, but yeah, I agree that she's a bit of a hypocrite. (And to be honest, it didn't really sound like a hookup.)

A couple of things have made me feel better. I've been able to talk with her, and with a close friend that knows S like I do, and well... time I guess. I'll admit that S did not find out in the best way possible. I made a thread about this a while ago with the whole story, I can grab it if you want.

 

Would still appriciate some thoughts on this...

 

That sounds pretty spot on, actually. And I do feel kind of.. dumb thinking that I could find something half-way meaningful in high school. So I will say that V is halfway right in what she said about not looking in high school. (Then again adding that she's going on a date next month feels frustratingly hypocritcal.) I feel like part of it is the tiny dating pool for non-straights at my school. I only know of four other gay/bi girls. V is the only one that I've actually liked in a non-friends way. So, naturally, the selfish, teenage part of my brain decided that we were each others' best chances for not being single in high school. (You can see how this would not benefit me at all.) What isn't making things better is how rude she's been since yesterday. We sit together at lunch, and V's been purposely not letting me join in the table's general conversation. She said a grand total of two words to me today. I'm going to ask her about it tomorrow.

I feel bad about it the tarot card part of it. I had her doing a reading about us without her knowing that it was about us, on top of talking to S about an anonymous straight girl who was actually her. I don't like that I was dishonest about it. I've apologized to her about it several times, and she knows I'm sorry. We've had some talks about it, and at this point I really don't know if there's anything I can do about this. Or if we can be close to friends again. I didn't think it was going that bad when we tried being friends actually, but that's probably just because I was so upset over losing her. Being strangers sucked. And being aquantinces is basically the same, except that we don't pretend the other person isn't in the room. I been talking to a mutual friend of ours who's been a proxy of sorts through this whole thing. From what he says, it sounds like S is upset about it, and I think it sounds like she misses me to some degree. But honestly, none of this is going to have much weight unless I hear it from her mouth.