I apologise if I posted this in the incorrect section. I have been thinking about this for a long time now. I'm actually quite torn into making this thread because creating this just makes me feel even more dumber... I should be able to handle this myself but I just don't seem to understand myself at all. As much as I dislike the idea of this, I guess I just want to share the story or something... but then again, it would be great and I would really appreciate any advice/insight/feedback you can give me. I may have briefly mentioned this in one of my previous posts but I have been liking this woman at my university for quite a while now. She's a teaching staff at the university I'm studying at, but not for long since she's studying a degree again next September. It's insane because I've only chatted with her a couple of times involving topics outside what she teaches (e.g. her planning to study again), and I just find her very interesting. This will sound fucking cheesy and I apologise but, everything about this person is just so lovely to me! She's a great teacher, she's very intelligent, she can draw well, she speaks with clarity, she's eloquent, and while she has this unkempt hair with a pencil/pen holding what I think you'd call a hair 'bun', she still manages to look so divinely clean. I can say that I really have not been fixated this hard before. Clearly I am glorifying this woman... I can't deny that... but how do I deal with this thing? I can remember her face so clearly right now. Earlier today I was talking on the phone in a bench outside the campus while I was waiting to meet a friend. To my surprise, she suddenly emerged from a corner and as she passed by me, she waved and smiled. I guess I tried to hide my stunned face and managed to put on this so very dumb smile. I must have looked more stupid than normal but I just get smiley whenever I see her. I rarely see her roaming outside her teaching building and every time she is out, she's always with the other temporary teaching staff or about to meet with them. It's all a mess in my head. I know that I don't have a chance with her but I can't shake her out of my head! There's so much conflict inside myself. I just don't understand why I'm like this. I don't know why I can't dissuade myself. It's frustrating. I very very much like to spend some time with this person but I know that it's a one-way thing. That should be enough for me to stop and move on but I don't know why I'm pinning over her. What's wrong with myself? I hate feeling like this. I guess I still need to work on realising my self-worth or self-importance or what ever the hell I'm suppose to work on... I don't know... I'm just also hoping that maybe by writing this down I'd just dump it all here and feel less about her. I don't have a clue why I do this to myself.
In a sense it sounds like you're starting to answer your own question toward the end, here. Following your lead, having low feelings of self-worth could certainly be a factor. One thing about crushes, particularly ones that you don't talk about or that aren't reciprocated, is that it's easy to start viewing them in isolation. As obvious as it may seem, we forget that this other person has a whole other life, other goals, interests, etc. - and, quite frankly, so do we. So one thing I'd ask is: what else is happening in your life right now? Do you have any other crushes/attractions to people? How is school going, life with family, friends, etc.? It's possible you could be finding it difficult to let go of this because it's helping you deal with something else happening in your life. Just a thought.
That is a thought. Thanks. I believe you're directing those questions more for self-reflection but I'll answer it here nevertheless. Nothing is really happening in my life right now. There aren't any dramas or anything, which I do acknowledge as good. Not much going on with family. Everybody's doing their own thing, as usual and they're alright which is good. I've gained more friends since I started uni again and do get to hang out with some of them which is nice. At the same time though, I wish my relationship with them are more deeper. Not in a romantic way as such, but it's nice to have a couple of close friends to hang around with. With regards to other crushes/attractions, she's the only one that comes to mind. I've thought about diverting my attention to other stuff instead but obviously that still hasn't worked (yet?). I'm supposed to be focusing on my studies right now but I'm finding that difficult to do. This, I don't understand. I've always been studious until this moment. I usually worry about exams and stuff but now I couldn't care less. Maybe it's because this is my second degree and that what we're currently doing, I mainly find boring. It feels like I don't need to prove myself anymore, at least not at this stage. I've already done it. I know it's the right mindset to go about it but at the same time, again, I don't know how to motivate myself or do something about it. I understand that while I'm trying to reaching out (online or offline), no one can really help me but myself... I wished knowing that fact would make me unravel how to sort myself out. Maybe it will in time, I don't know, but there's just a conflict inside. While I recognise that the apathy has to go before I regret something (e.g. failing my first year), I'm just not driven enough to figure out/do something about it. Gah. My head hurts thinking about this, but perhaps I should do more than think more...
