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Gay, Best Friend, and Love

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by theconfusedkid, Apr 5, 2014.

?

Could he be gay?

  1. Definitely gay

    1 vote(s)
    4.8%

  2. Possibly gay

    14 vote(s)
    66.7%

  3. Straight, but confused

    2 vote(s)
    9.5%

  4. Gay, but confused

    2 vote(s)
    9.5%

  5. Definitely straight

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%

  6. Just my best friend

    2 vote(s)
    9.5%
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  1. theconfusedkid

    theconfusedkid
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    Hi!

    I come from a community where being gay comes with a lot of stigma, but over the course of the past few months, I've learnt to accept myself and since I'm heading to college in NYC, I'm really relieved. But there are issues otherwise. I've realised, only once I faced the truth that I was gay, that I have been in love with my guy best friend for nearly two years now.

    I know that I love him, there's no doubt about that. So when I got the topic up, and he asked me whether I was straight, I said hell yeah (since coming out wasn't an option). I asked whether he was straight, and he hesitated, said "Um, no, no, I mean yeah of course" and then he quickly went away. We didn't bring up the topic again, but I was burning inside. So a few weeks later I told him that I was confused about my sexuality, and I asked about him. He seemed flustered, but kept insisting that I was straight and so was he, and I should stop thinking about it. He's going to start dating a girl soon too - which hurts a lot, but I can't do much about it. Sorry for posting such a long background, but here are my questions:

    1. Is it possible that he's confused about his sexuality? Also, if he isn't, is there a way to trigger confusion so at least he knows for sure?
    2. How to figure out if he loves me in that way? I know, the best option would be to just tell him, but that's tough.

    Any other advice. What to do?!

    Thanks a lot!
    Confused as Hell.
     
    #1 theconfusedkid, Apr 5, 2014
  2. resu

    resu
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    It's possible, but you never really know for sure until someone tells you (and is honest with themselves).

    It could be your friend is questioning. He doesn't seem to be really homophobic, and so it may be best if you say you're more than questioning and actually think you are gay. You might first apologize for being so forceful in saying you were straight the first time he asked. The main thing is that if you take the risk of being honest with him, he may feel more comfortable to tell you what he really wanted to say.

    Now, figuring out if he loves you is a whole different story, but obviously if he also says he's questioning, he should get the hint that you like him.

    Also, he seems to be the type that wants validation in others and doesn't like grey areas. So, he prefers you to be certain in your sexuality so that he can also be certain in his, hence why he's going the "straight route" and getting a girlfriend.
     
    #2 resu, Apr 5, 2014
  3. theconfusedkid

    theconfusedkid
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    That does make a lot of sense. Thanks!

    Guys, please help me out here! Will help me make sense of a lot of things in my life.
     
    #3 theconfusedkid, Apr 7, 2014
  4. theconfusedkid

    theconfusedkid
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    Someone please help! I really need some advice, and I'm damn confused. PLEASE!
     
    #4 theconfusedkid, Apr 12, 2014
  5. PatrickUK

    PatrickUK
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    You said: "when I got the topic up.. he asked me if I was straight... I asked him if he was and he hesitated and said no".

    Okay, exactly how did you bring this conversation up with him in the first place?

    I think it's interesting that he asked you if you were straight first, and even though you said yes, he initially said no.

    Difficult as it may be, you really need to re-visit this conversation with him. It could be that he is gay and was hoping for immediate reassurance from you as a friend when he first said he wasn't, but back tracked out of fear. He showed a lot of courage and trust in that moment and maybe wanted you to at least validate that it was okay. It could even be that he had a vibe about you being gay that gave him that spark of confidence to tell you.

    I think it would be good for you to at least tell him how you feel about sexuality in general terms and if all goes well be brave enough to tell him why and how you feel.

    At the very least reassure him that you are supportive of gay people.
     
    #5 PatrickUK, Apr 12, 2014
  6. dapulu

    dapulu
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    1) Probably, he was the one who asked you if you were straight first. But who knows.

    2) Even if he does, if he doesn't tell you about it it's really hard. Why don't you flirt with him a bit more? Give him compliments, be more touchy-feely, add innuendos.

    Agreed with what resu and Linco said. ¿do you want a relationship with him?
     
    #6 dapulu, Apr 12, 2014
  7. theconfusedkid

    theconfusedkid
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    To Linco:

    I'm from India, and well, last year the Indian Supreme Court gave a verdict criminalizing homosexuality. At that stage, I was looking for any friend who could give me support, who I could come out to. So I just got the topic up with him, and I was supportive of gay rights in general. But when he suddenly asked me that, I backtracked as you can see.

    And yeah, he did ask me first, and he did react exactly like that.

    There are some other things. We occasionally used to hold hands and things when we were together, but suddenly he started telling me that that was 'gay'. And well, he refuses to share any details of his girlfriend with me, though we share everything.

    To dapulu:

    Thanks. Yeah, I get that. I sure want a relationship with him. Its just so damn complicated right now!
     
    #7 theconfusedkid, Apr 12, 2014
  8. fortheloveoflez

    fortheloveoflez
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    It's possible. But be aware that people are known to project desires on others. Which means, some times if you are very interested in some one you project otherwise meaningless looks as some looks of yearning.

    I'm not saying this is the situation just that it could be.
     
    #8 fortheloveoflez, Apr 12, 2014
  9. theconfusedkid

    theconfusedkid
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    @fortheloveoflez

    Yeah, I get what you mean totally. But the incidents that I've described have happened exactly like that, and while I guess its possible that when he looks at me or says something I tend to interpret that as 'signs', these two incidents couldn't really have been affected by my love for him.
     
    #9 theconfusedkid, Apr 12, 2014
  10. resu

    resu
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    My parents are from India, and I think it is kind of significant your friend would ask you that. Most Indians seem to regard homosexuality as a super taboo that's not visible, and the ones who are actually gay may have a huge pressure to get married to a woman.
     
    #10 resu, Apr 12, 2014
  11. theconfusedkid

    theconfusedkid
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    @resu,

    Yeah, I totally get your point. I mean, I don't even know any openly gay person over here! And the fact that he just asked me that, and pointedly said that could be something.

    What do you think?
     
    #11 theconfusedkid, Apr 13, 2014
  12. resu

    resu
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    When are you heading for college? It may be you just don't have a lot of time, but you could still find the courage to come out to him (it's probably best not to share your feelings until later). Then, try to stay in contact with him. That way, you don't have any regrets and maybe will give him some courage to come out himself, if he is actually questioning.

    Also, it's ironic you mentioned holding hands. I remember it was strange to see young men holding hands in India since growing up in the US, people stop holding hands after childhood unless they are in a couple. Really, I think it's homophobia that has caused men in the West to not hold hands, and it's sad to see some Indians are also thinking the same thing.
     
    #12 resu, Apr 13, 2014
  13. theconfusedkid

    theconfusedkid
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    Well, I have a few months left so I do have sometime. You think it's a bad idea
    To come out to him and tell him that I love him at the same time? This'll sound a bit weird but I wrote a letter to him ( I am a decent writer ) telling him both things.

    And there other things that happen between us. For instance, we're both in different places right now due to a school break. If we don't call or text each other the whole day, he makes it a point to ask if something's wrong. Occasionally we tell each other that we love each other too.

    This is so frustrating!? Any tips?
     
    #13 theconfusedkid, Apr 13, 2014
  14. theconfusedkid

    theconfusedkid
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    Guys! Sorry for bumping again, but I really need more advice. Anyone reading this, do read through the opening post, and let me know what you think. It'll be a great help :grin:
     
    #14 theconfusedkid, Apr 16, 2014
  15. resu

    resu
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    At least come out to him, and maybe saying you love him at the same time won't be such a bad idea because you're leaving (otherwise, it may be very awkward to be around each other).
     
    #15 resu, Apr 16, 2014
  16. theconfusedkid

    theconfusedkid
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    That makes sense. Thanks!

    Back to square one: Does any one have any advice/ make any observations from my initial post?
     
    #16 theconfusedkid, Apr 17, 2014
  17. theconfusedkid

    theconfusedkid
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    Guys!

    PLEASE, PLEASE, please! Do make some observations or give me some advice looking at the original post. I'm in big trouble, and it might just turn my life around if you helped!
     
    #17 theconfusedkid, Apr 20, 2014
  18. PatrickUK

    PatrickUK
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    It is very rare (where I live) for two straight men to mention feelings of love for each other, yet you have both done this. With everything else that you have mentioned there seems to be an undercurrent of 'something else' between the two of you. What is that something else? Don't you think it's time to find out for sure?

    The clock is ticking and you will soon be leaving India for NYC, but you could do this without being honest about your feelings. I get the impression you don't want that to happen, so there is really only one option open and that requires a bit of a walk into the unknown.

    What about that letter? Could you give him the letter now while you still have time? If all goes well, it could indeed turn your life around - if not, you have the opportunity for a new start in a more open place, where you can be yourself.

    It's about risk and rewards. Sometimes we need to take the risks to find the rewards. I know it's not easy and there must be an element of fear, but time is not on your side.
     
    #18 PatrickUK, Apr 21, 2014
  19. theconfusedkid

    theconfusedkid
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    @Linco

    Thank you so much! I can see it from a different perspective now. Here in India too, it is extremely - and when I say extremely, I mean I've never heard this happen! - for two guys to say that to each other. We're not in the same city right now, but we talk on the phone almost everyday, and text each other all the time. We even say love you to each other. He refuses to discuss what's happening with his girlfriend with me, but he talks about it to everyone else.

    I realise that it is time to find out. It is just so scary. Its even illegal in this country for God's sake! But get your take on it. I think, yeah, I will actually give him that letter soon. Do you think I should make him read it in front of me?

    Offhand question: Do you think that gay people display some signs of being gay? I'm not talking about the stereotypical-being-effeminate-having-a-high-pitched-voice, but about other ways that gay men behave around other men - men that they're attracted to? Or any other signs.
     
    #19 theconfusedkid, Apr 21, 2014
  20. PatrickUK

    PatrickUK
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    I think you should let him decide whether to read the letter in front of you or not. You can maybe invite him to read it now or read it later, but I don't think you should 'make' him.

    I think some gay men display obvious signs of attraction, but many (especially those with less confidence) will not. If you notice anything, it may be the slightest look or comment. Despite what some people think, we are all very different.
     
    #20 PatrickUK, Apr 21, 2014
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