an old memory

I wrote this in another forum but I didn't really like the people there.. plus I wanted to share this

Every relationship I've been in except for one, ended up in a heart break due to the fear of what others would say, think, or the consequences. I had two secret relationships in the military that never went as far as eye contact, under cover dates as "buddies" and drunken midnight make out sessions. It might not mean much to anyone but it meant a lot to me, more than it should. Before that I was very closeted and masked my feelings with anger and violence, so I never was in a relationship that meant anything other than trying to be someone I was not. And the first time I was held and kissed by him in the dark, was the first time I felt alive. The first time it gave me a new meaning to life but that moment was short lived, don't tell don't ask policy. After our training was complete we were going to separate duty stations. Before I left, I met with him one last time early on a Sunday. It was fall and the leaves were starting to change colors. I stood outside sitting in the gazebo, and I remembered thinking that maybe this won't be the last time we see each other but I knew it was. I watched him walk in my direction, as he walked up the ramp to the gazebo, he gave me a quick smile and quickly glanced down. We greeted each other but other than that we didn't say much. We smoked a cigarette and when it came down to the last puff, it was time to say good-bye. He wrapped his arms around me and I did the same to him. I held back tears while trying to enjoy this moment that we knew would eventually come. I waited till he said he loved me before I let go. I grabbed my bags and went towards the gate... He called me once on my leave and we casually talked about our plans. When I think about it, I still miss him and it makes me think about the "what if's". But everything happens for a reason and I wish him well where ever he is at.