I am new to the gay/lesbian community. My girlfriend & I have been dating for just under 2 years. She is my first girlfriend. I am deeply in love with her. We plan to marry. I am so inexperienced and have no gay friends to seek advice from. Let me give you some background info to start. My gf has severe back issues. She has just turned 30 and has already had 3 back surgeries. For the first, I don't know exactly, 6-9 months we had sex ALL the time. Literally marathon sex on our off of work days together. That has changed. I can barely get her to French kiss me. This makes me so sad. I want you to understand it is so much more than sex. At this point, I just want her to want me. I know her back is a constant issue. I know sex is literally impossible sometimes. I just wish she would at least touch me it kiss me or something to show she wants me. We have talked about it SO many times. Nothing changes. I am beginning to feel that I am just unattractive or undesirable. I usually sleep naked so I began to wonder if I was wearing to little clothes or too many or if I should wait to wash my makeup off or whatever, fill in the blank. I am hurting, badly. If anyone has any advice or helpful comments I would greatly appreciate it. My heart is hurting so badly. Thank you.
First it was that she is hurting. I am being honest, I have been so understanding. But more recently she said that she is just "In her head" I guess stress etc. What is bothering me is that I feel there are things/ways we could be intimate that wouldn't be painful. I don't know if this matters, but she seems to fall in the stone butch category. I just don't know if I'm being insecure or if I should question her further about the issue. Thank you for responding, all of my friends/former friends are straight & are just too hard to speak to anymore.
So she was about 29 when she went from an able bodied woman to someone who's movements are severely restricted because of her back. Can you even begin to imagine how she must feel, to suddenly have her total independence ripped from her? I'm not saying that people in wheelchairs or with any other issue, physical or mental, can't be capable of living independently, but it takes time to adjust and to adapt. She must feel so low. In her situation do you really think intimacy is on her mind? No. She's still trying to process what she's going through. You're no less attractive to her, nor does she love you any less, but she's probably still in shock and feeling very sorry for herself. Making love is not on her mind right now. Always try to see things from someone else's perspective. It's only then that you may learn/understand a person's actions/inactions. Try to remain strong and supportive. If she's open to trying, perhaps attempt to complete "normal" daily tasks together, like food shopping, laundry, things she can be capable of if she choose to roll up to the plate.
An0n, thank you for the fresh perspective. I thought I was being supportive both physically and mentally, but I see that I can be doing better. Thank you for helping me get out of my head. You know us girls, sometimes things just stay on repeat. I actually feel quite jerky now. I should have thought of it from her point of view earlier. I feel so much more at ease now. Really, thank you so very much.
My pleasure. Sometimes we can be so sure of something it blinds us to the truth. Hopefully, realizing that you are not the problem or source of the "dead bed" in your home will be a weight off your shoulders and give you the strength to help your gf through this tough time. Will these surgeries correct her back problem or is this something that will affect her for the rest of her life?
