I recently decided to explore my sexuality and play both fields a bit. One of my through-the-grapevine acquaintances invited me over to talk about my sexuality (he's the head of the GSA on campus and I was considering joining). We talked for a bit, he took my hand, and we made out. That was two days ago. I became accepting of my sexuality last week (literally, a week ago today). I almost tried a random hookup from ###### (baaad experience there) on Saturday. And I came out to my closest friend on Sunday, my entire suite/friends group on Monday. And yesterday, I almost had sex. I think I'm rushing things a lot. Problem is, I'm very confident through text messaging. I am NOT confident in person. And after we do whatever we do, I feel guilty that I'm partaking in a casual hookup, because I always said I wanted a relationship before anything else (my old high school friend reminded me of this). I had a mini-panic attack on my way to his room yesterday because I said we'd have sex (we didn't). It took me almost 40 minutes to be able to do anything but cuddle. And last night during our sexting, I really was adamant that I bottom for him today. But...while I still want to atm, I'm afraid what happened yesterday is gonna happen again.
Well, I think you are rushing things a lot. And YOU think you're rushing things a lot--you said so yourself, and your mini-panic attacks are very telling. The first thing that jumped out at me, though, was that head of the campus GSA invited you over to "talk" and you ended up making out. That seems kind of disturbing to me; I'm sure you enjoyed the makeout session, but that seems kind of predatory on his part. If he already knew you and there was some prior connection it would be one thing, but for a "through the grapevine" acquaintance in that position to be making out with someone who he knows is still working things out....I would be a little cautious with that one. He may not have your best interests at heart. There's a lot of excitement and emotions and hormones associated with coming out, or at least becoming aware. I don't think exploration is a bad thing, but the "confidence" you lack in person may really be your core values reminding you that you really want a relationship, not a hookup. There's much more to exploring your sexuality than just going for sex. Coming out involves changing a whole lot of expectations and viewpoints, like your earlier concerns about wanting all the trappings of a stereotypical straight life, marriage etc., or some of the other concerns you've mentioned on other posts. Maybe take the time to actually get to know a few gay and/or bi people first, before going for the hookups? You might have a lot less anxiety, and things may progress in a more natural way that you are more comfortable with. And if you decide that the hookup route has some appeal, for heaven's sake be safe, and I'm not just talking condoms here. There are some weird people out there, and a naive 20-year-old who is figuring himself out could be very easy prey. I have a daughter not much younger than you, and I'd be telling her the same thing.
Casual encounters are like gambling. You probably won't hit the jackpot (LTR), you may win enough to keep playing for a while, you'll probably lose (a bit of self-esteem) but you may find the fun of playing worth the cost.
