Hi y'all This is about a guy I've been dating for a few weeks now. I wanted some advice because I'm rather confused and I think keep seeing him is a bad idea. I mainly have had relationships in the past that start hot and heavy and turn into ashes very quick, dictated by strong infatuation. I believed this one had the elements to be a healthy one given dynamics are different, but now I'm on the fence. He's 24 and I'm 27. He's a very distant person who doesn't let people in easily. The reason for that is a very rough childhood. He tends to push people away as a defense mechanism. We're both artist so we click in the sense of being different. But chemistry has not been an element of this relationship. When I first met him, I could see the pain in his eyes and that's what attracted me to him. I wanted to help him, but it seems that he's totally closed off and not trusting. When we spend time together I feel I'm not appreciated and the affection I want from a partner is not there. I feel walking away is the right and heathy thing to do. I like the companionship and chilling together (sex is ok, given affection is not there) but I realized staying with him simply with the prospect of him changing into someone who fits my bill is an unhealthy expectation. What you think?
Hello, lovely person! So, let's get started. You've been dating for a few weeks, so it's still very early days. Next, he's had a tough past, and by the looks of things, he seems to still be living in the past, which is really sad but we all go through this. We all regret what's happened in the past but we end up hating ourselves for it, rather than just considering it as a lesson. However, think about it here. He actually said yes to you, so he must feel something for you, even though it could seem that he just likes the sex (as you said that sex was okay but there was hardly any affection, just his own pleasure) but I doubt that. I think he's just depressed, and is still living in the past. Now, you can do one of many things. You could break up with him because it's more a one sided relationship than a real, loving relationship. You could wait, and hope that it gets better. You could have some space for a little while or, probably the best path to take would be to talk to him about it and ask what's up and does he really care for the relationship or is he just abusing your presence. So, yeah, that's my advice. I honestly believe that he does love you, so don't let it get to your head. However, I'd need more information. Does he ever toy with your emotions? Making you feel guilty or trying to point his wrongs to you, making you feel that you're in the wrong when you're really not? Does he use the line 'I thought you loved me', 'do this if you love me', 'If you loved me, you'd do it for me' or anything similar, then you are in a totally unhealthy relationship. So, yeah, if he does anything like that, I'd really consider breaking up but I doubt he's doing anything like this to you but if he does, say so. Good luck, lovely person I hope I've helped, or at least a little. I tried my honest best.
You entered into this relationship because you wanted to help him. If you walk away now he will have greater pain in his eyes. It will probably take more than a few weeks for him to let his defences downs.
I think you need to give it a bit longer. It takes time to trust someone, especially if you've been hurt in life. I wouldn't be ready to let down too many of my defences either after a few weeks. You say you don't feel appreciated, can you try to explain why that is? Is it just because he seems distant and cool, or is there more to it?
Hi guys Thanks for taking the time to share your opinion! That definitely sheds some light on what I should do. It's interesting to consider the situation through other people's eyes. He's a really sweet and loving guy, I got a chance to see that during a heartfelt convo where he broke down in tears. It didn't last long, but I feel disappointed that he doesn't trust me as much as I'd like him to. He goes back in to his defense mechanism mode very quick and makes a lot sly comments and remarks that put me off and definitely don't help me put my guard down. I've my own demons and intimacy issues, I'm not proud of. I didn't have the best childhood. And my patience isn't great either. We're very similar in a lot of ways, for which I find him more interesting. Apparently he uses drugs as an escape from his pain. I don't partake but I didn't have a problem with that at first, simply because he's not one of those people who is defined by them. Then again they do affect his perception, so maybe subconsciously that's why I'm weary about keep seeing him. His behavior is erratic sometimes and him being that defensive seems to trace back to them. I don't know if I should weigh that in my decision? A couple other things that I've worried about, he's never been in a relationship and he mentioned that he's only been in love with his straight friends. Which is unfulfilled kind of love and very unhealthy. I hope that helps put a more rounded picture together.
Never mind guys, we already had a talk and came to the conclusion it won't work out. Thanks for your input tho!
It sounds like you're better off as friends than as romantic partners. You need to find someone who is on an equal level in terms of emotional stability.
