need advice and need to vent

Some of you might recall reading my story about me liking my straight friend.

I liked him, he would give me signals that he might be into me but he was just using me.
I ended up paying him to give him head, so you can say we both ended up using one another. Those were not my intentions but it got really bad. Constant fighting and arguing. He had a drug addiction and I wanted to help him quit and he made me believe that I could help him but little did I know I became his enabler. I gave this kid so much of my time, money and words. He meant the world to me. Everything he would tell me just felt so real to me.

Things he said to me:
you are the only person I can talk to like this. You should be my GF in a no homo way. and I asked him to ask me out which he did. Im sure he was just playing though. He would text me good morning/good night text messages. We would text a lot throughout the day. He would tell me how amazing I was. A few times when I told him that I did not want to pay him to give him head and that if he needed money to tell me and I would simply give it to him he replied, "if you are down, lets just do it one last time." I even asked him out once and told him to be my partner which he agreed. One night we did mollys and got high and he showed me a video of rappers talking about homosexuality and how it is ok to be gay and he replies, "fuck it huh? fuck what people think? if you think about it, you and I are more than friends. We do things that normal friends wouldn't do." I replied "are you down? (referencing to be with me) and he replies "im down you cant just pressure me though." He would text me "you have gotten better at giving head lmao" I know this kid like no one else does. I gave him head countless times and I know he enjoyed it since his eyes would rolled back every time. He has not had a GF but I am no one to say whether or not he might be gay. Everything was just so real to me. I went through his phone once and he does not really talk to girls. He does talk about girls and wanting a GF. I would treat him to dinner and after dropping him off he would text me "Good night I had a great time." One time he also told me "my dick is extra juicy today come get it."


anyways, him and I have fought so much because I wanted him to quit doing drugs. although I gave him money for them, God knows I truly did want him to quit. I mean I cared so much for him that it took a toll on me. I went through depression, started losing weight it was all bad. Him and I have fought countless times and then make up. I reached out to him today and he told me that he is now clean and doing better. I believe now because we actually talked on the phone and his voice was normal and not slurring words. He talked to his parents about his problem which I am really proud of him. we talked over everything and we both took blame for what we did. It felt good to talk about certain things. after talking for 30mins he said that he would txt me some other day but after thinking about it, do I want to be friends with him? should I even talk to him? I just blocked him so I don't get his calls or text but idk if that was the right thing to do? Keep in mind that he has put me through so much pain. but I blame myself because I put myself in that position. I just want to let go and move forward without looking back. What do you guys think I should do? I apologize in advance if my story is all over the place. I will elaborate more tomorrow so you guys can understand all of this craziness. your thoughts and or advice will help a lot to me. thank you!

 

This time after many lies I do believe he is clean. He talks different and realized many things. It's makes me so happy that he is finally off pills. It's not that I don't want to be friends with him, but this whole situation left me with a scar and I just want to forget. And I feel that the only way to forget is to walk away. I also just want to see him as a friend and nothing more. I want my feelings for him to fade away and I feel that by not talking to him it'll happen.

 

Thank you guys for replying. Dangeralex, hope you are doing and feeling much better. I try to be strong and tell myself that I don't need anyone. I have lost many friends and I know I can walk away from this one too. After thinking about, I'm going to walk away. I'm afraid of being lied too and being used again. Maybe one day him and I will be friends again or maybe it'll never happen again. I can't be stressing over this when I have so many other things to focus and appreciate. Man, I can honestly say that he was my addiction. He made me happy but that's not how it should be. I should not have to rely on other people to make me happy. I have to take care of myself first. I dropped out of college that's how bad this got to me but now I am going back in the summer. I am going to be a strong, happy, educated, man. Not for him but for myself. It's also hard for me to trust people. I trusted him the most. If you like your straight friend, I suggest that you walk away and move on. It's hard for me, but I'm going to do it. I'm going to be writing in here to vent to you guys. Hope you guys don't mind.

---------- Post added 12th Apr 2014 at 10:21 AM ----------

I just text him and this is what I said
Dawg how can I put it in words. Man, it's been a fucking crazy ride. I'm proud of you for quitting. I'm glad we talked yesterday it was much needed and I am glad you are back to normal.
I'm walking away from you but it's not that we are not cool. We will always be cool even if we don't talk dawg. I just want to forget everything and I feel that the only way to do that is by distancing myself from you. I'm sure it'll be good for both you and me. Maybe one day we'll catch up from where we left off. I'm not mad or anything. I'm just happy that all of this is over dawg. You have no fucking idea.
Maybe one day we will both trust and respect one another again. But for now, it's still crazy to me. I know time will heal everything and that's what we both need. Be good dawg and take care of yourself first.

 

My story, thank you for your input. Man it seems like I just can't get enough huh? Lol see, I am puttin myself first by walking away. I just rather now that he is clean and leave it at that. I hope he does not relapse but if he doesn't I don't want to hear or want anything from it. So in better terms I guess it's just best that I know nothing from him and simply walk away.

 

DangerAlex, glad you are doing so much better. You deserve it. I wanted closure as well that is why I was always the one reaching out to him. I read a quote a few days back about closure. "Closure is a joke. The only apology you need is the one you owe yourself for being foolish enough to stay as long as you did. The only conversation you need to have is the one with yourself on how to be stronger and leave sooner. The only person you really need to see if yourself before you got all weak. so look at yourself in the mirror and say; you know what, i fucked up, that's your closure. And all that can be done by yourself. You can't keep dancing with the devil and wonder why you are still in hell."

And i am trying to be strong. Actually, i know i am strong because i have put up with so much negative energy. I know time will heal all of this mess. I still smile because whether good or bad its something that will be with me for the rest of my life. And i know that walking about its what is best for both him and i. I didn't feel like he valued or appreciated me. Maybe now that he will not have me around he will realize everything that i tried to tell him and acknowledge how much i have done for him. although i didn't expect anything in return, i just wanted loyalty and support. But as long as i stay loyal to myself, i will support my own damn self. Now, i feel as if nothing or no one in the world can be me down!

 

True, well I hope you get your closure and everything works out for you. He did surprisingly but all he said was "sounds good" I didn't bother to reply nor will i reply. I'm just seeing it as if i see him around then of course we will say whats up to one another but since we don't have the same circle of friends i doubt that will run into each other but i am happy. Hope you have a great day. I am getting ready for work

 

Man was today a rough day. Depression is getting back to me. I will not let it defeat me. I will not give up. I am going to move forward but today just dragged. I kept thinking about him wondering if he thinks about me? Then to my surprise I saw one of our mutual friends today at my job, he asked me about him and a millions memories rushed my mind but I said "no actually I have not seen or talked to him in a while." I just want to rune away, move and not ever look back or think about him. I feel sick. I can't trust people. I dislike drugs with a passion and they all seem to be around. Moving seems greats but I have a great job and I provide for my family. I'm trying to be strong but at times like today, I just want to give up. I don't want anything to do with love, friends, drugs, or people in general. I feel that we as people we destroy one another. I know that time will heal everything but boy I can't wait for all of this mess to be over and done with. I also feel that maybe he is mad about me because he might be not so straight. Them again, those are just my conclusions. We have so much history together both good and bad.

 

Man, I just wanted to vent to him and I ended up texting him.
"See dawg, in all honesty I just wish I never liked you and I wish I never knew about your problem. Things would be so much better for both of us. The pain that I feel on the daily basis would not be there. My thoughts will not be about you wondering if you are ok. I'm learning how to let go but at times all the memories, what was said are still in my mind. I cannot wait till they all fade away. For it to be over so that we can both be at peace with one another. I humiliated myself to you and I had no dignity and self respect. Idk if you think about things like I do, but everyday I just wish that you can forget everything and even me so that all of that weight can be lifted off your shoulders. I'm glad that you are better now and I couldn't be happier for you. You don't even know, to me you deserve nothing but the best in this life. You are a great kid at heart a bit of an asshole at times but that's what makes you, you. I'm glad I got to know both good and bad side for you. Thank you for trusting me with everything that you shared with me. Just so you know, everything that you told me deep things, secrets, dreams etc, have never left my mouth. And they never will. Words, apologies, nothing that we do or say will repair what has been destroyed. Maybe only time will. After all, they do say times heals all. See, I wish I would of approach your parents since the beginning. You would of hated me, but look at us now. We are not friends, we are not enemies, we are now strangers with memories. There are many questions that linger in my head dawg. Like I had told you numerous time to just drop all the bullshit, sessions etc but you didn't not want too. I told you many times that we didn't have to do sessions that I would just simply give you the money when you needed but you wanted to do sessions. Why would you do or tell me certain things. Literally dawg, mentally all of this fucked me up mentally. I will never hate you. I wish I could but I simply cannot. I have acknowledged my wrongs and I am aware I made things more difficult for you. Now, you and I have been through so much bullshit and now we are just strangers it feels like. I guess this whole time you only kept it cool with me cause of what I would do for you. See everything felt so real to me. And that's were I messed up. I need to be more careful on with who I trust. And I can honestly say that I trusted you the most." He probably won't reply but I just need to tell him how I felt.

 

Thank you guys. Both of you are right. I guess I'm just stupid. I have all the tools to move one but somehow I cannot. I can only imagine how hard it is for him. Although he had told me he had told hi parents, I called his phone and I just got off the phone with him. His parents have always liked me for te most part. She did confirmed that he had talked to thm about his issue and he promised them not to do it again. I am truly proud of him for telling me the truth. His mom thanked me for telling them md I told her I didn't not want to get into their personal lives but that I was just glad he actually talked to them about it. He was not pleased with me talking to his mom. He said that although his parents knew, I did not have a reason to get into his personal life. Which I understand but I feel as if all of this mess has gotten me in his personal life. I feel so much better after talking to his mom. I can say I can walk without worrying about him. Now it's up to his parents to help him. His mom did mention that if he cannot stop by himself they will take him to rehab. I should of talked to his parents since day one. It would of helped so much but I just hope I didn't do the wrong thing by talking to his mom?

 

Hope all of you guys are doing well. I just want to vent and write about how i feel. After thinking about it, i came to realize that he is no good for me. Yes, i did love him and i gave him unconditional love, he never showed me any support. When i came out to my parents he was not there, when i got my associates degree i text him a pic of my diploma and he didn't even congratulate me and when i bought my first home he didn't either. I feel that our friendship was all me. When we hung out, it was only when he wanted too and we would do what he wanted. I am not blaming him for anything but i just feel that our friendship was not worth it. He only used me for his benefit prior to me paying him for oral. When we met, we were in HS and we both played soccer and that is how we met. I was totally different than how i am now. I use to be pretty popular you can say. I use to go out and party and now im more focus on getting my life together. Him and i are on two different paths. I will never think that i am better than him or anyone but we are just two different people now. I have a few great friends that have supported me which I am very happy. I feel that friendship should make you better and he did not make be better. all of this pain that i am currently feeling will go away and i know that all of this will make me stronger. See, i am very independent and i don't need anyone. I am strong minded or at least i try to be, but i will not let this bring me down. i need to learn how to let go of the past, the guilt and trying to put the pieces together. as of right now, i will make wiser decisions, i will not contact him today, tomorrow, next week, next month or year. I am done. All of this time he only used me and i am barely figuring this out. I'm not an angel cause i am sure i damaged him as well, but i never used him. I wanted him to do and be better. Life goes on and i am still alive.

 

I am finally learning how to let go. I've realized that I was living in the past. As of right now, him and I have not talked not in I planing on talking to him. I now see it as all of that mess is in my past. It does not exist today, tomorrow or the following day. It only exists in my mind. Living in memory lane is living in the past and I've had enough of that. (Sorry if it does not make sense but in my head it does lol) I also realize that in order for me to move on I have to forgive myself before anything else and forgive him as well. This process does not happen over night. Now, I am taking it day by day. I am or I should say I no longer worry about what happened in the past, because it did not exist today. And I am not worried about what will happen tomorrow because tomorrow is not here yet. When I start to think about him, I try to keep busy. My biggest mistake was lovin him. It felt so intense but I also understand that you don't destroy the people you love. I know I've hurt him and for that reason, I will not speak to him again.

Also, I need some advice on this matter. Him and I have mutual friends but do not hang out with them. Let me explain. We both grew up playing soccer. I recently started playing soccer again. Some of my teammates know him but I think I rather stop playing soccer because I don't want people to bring him up or for him to hear about me. I don't want him to know anything about me. There, I think it's best that I stop playing soccer. Also, I had planned a trip in June with some mutual friends, but again, I think it's best that I don't go or the same reason. I don't want them to bring him up or wen mention his name. And I don't want him to know anything about me. Am I over reacting?