Touchy friend confuses me

He may be confused about his own feelings toward you. Even if not, he may just have an overly dominant streak in his personality.

 

He could just be confused about how he feels for you and needs to interact with you on his terms until he works it out. Have you tried talking to him about it and finding out his sexuality?

 

And maybe I can "return" the favor by asking him not to touching me, but the problem is that I do not have any problems with him touching me.

The point of you 'returning the favour' is to point out that if it's not OK for you BOTH to initiate, that neither of you should be. I mean you wouldn't be doing it at all if he didn't enjoy it on some level and by taking it away from him you are effectively steering him towards thinking about WHY he enjoys it.

The point is you want to know WHY it's not OK for you to initiate with him, if he tries and you tell him he isn't to do it to you if you can't do the same, he will have to think about why it's happening.

 

Perhaps he is just curious, but as is the case with a lot of straight guys he maybe feels comfortable in his masculinity. Maybe he is afraid that by allowing you to touch him, he'll "sink down" to the level of homosexuals and that it's completely platonic touching when he's doing it to you because he'd never have an interest in you anyway and that you don't mind it (assuming he thinks you're straight). I have a lot of straight friends who do the same to me.

But I agree with everyone else that there is probably some underlying dominance there. You say he doesn't appear outwardly dominant, but a lot of people are much different than they seem. He might be a generally submissive guy when out in the world but a dominant one in the bedroom.

 

A lot of the things you said can be considered accidental or minor. Stroking and patting are deliberate and more significant.

The thing is there are plenty of reasons he could react badly to it and frankly you need to know what they are.

1. He might be interested in you but unsure of himself - in which case, he probably ought to think about that pretty soon before you give up and move on

2. He might NOT be interested in you and doesn't like you touching him - in which case he is leading you on and it's bloody unfair

3. He might not like being touched that way - in which case, considering you are so worried about it that you had to come here and ask for help dealing with it, I'm thinking you would probably like to know just to settle your mind

4. He might not even realise there is a problem, after all you don't seem to mind and he clearly does - in which case you need to clear that up, because obviously there is a pretty big problem.

I could probably keep going with this.

Stop thinking about this in terms of romantic expression, you can get to that later.

Right now this is about you clearing up an obvious miscommunication of appropriateness.

You both need to know what the parameters are in terms of physical contact are. I mean it isn't right that he thinks he can touch your face at random or get so deep into your personal space that your noses nearly touch without an explanation as to why you can't do the same.

Let's take physical contact out of the equation for a minute and consider it in terms of behaviour.

Instead of physical contact we are now thinking about physical objects. His stuff and your stuff.

Now as far as he is concerned, he can take your stuff whenever he wants.

Him taking your DVD player is the equivalent of him touching your face in this example.

Now you don't mind the fact that he has it, but that isn't the point.

Now if you try and take his radio, he is going to tell you it's not OK. You can't have his radio because it is HIS RADIO. Keep in mind he still has your DVD player.

So why is it OK for him and not you?

Your stuff has value too, so why should he get to take it from you when you can't take his.

By that same token YOU have value as well. You may enjoy being touched by this guy, but it appears that he does not value it.

You need to find out why.

 

Just going to that issue of masculinity, maybe he doesn't want to display that vulnerability. Society usually interprets being gay as being frail or weak due to their femininity, while straights are strong, masculine, and dominant. I think perhaps your friend doesn't want to show off that softer, childish side that needs some attention every once in a while, or at least not to you... but I can't be too sure.

 

Yes, absolutely there is a chance that being comforted like that made him feel weak and perhaps it scared him. It does that to a lot of people.

The thing is if you want to tell him that you need to do it as part of a wider discussion. You know, the whole thing COULD get fixed in one conversation, it make take months and multiple conversations, who knows. Point is that you clearly need the discussion to happen, because both of you are worried about SOMETHING.

 

Next time he touches you, touch him in the same way and see what happens.

If he lets it happen, great, if he complains ask why.

 

Could be a combination of him being uncomfortable with feeling vulnerable, or at least appearing vulnerable in public (receiving a hug when he looks sad or depressed).

A variation on this is that the touch of another person can have strong effects on one's emotions, and some guys can keep their negative emotions (pain, sadness, etc) under control and put on the appearance of being ok until someone touches them to comfort them. And he's afraid of "falling apart".

All speculation, having someone touch his shoulders could remind him of someone he misses a lot, or associated with a negative experience, who knows...

Since it seems he's ok with contact except in specific combinations, first of all avoid those, and you could talk about it some time when you're both in a good mood, frame the question along the lines that you noticed something, that you don't want to do anything that obviously makes him uncomfortable, and that he can tell you if there's a story behind it all, you won't judge. You can also mention you're a "touchy" kind of person and you sometimes have to remind yourself not everyone is like that (both initiating and receiving).