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Finding Healthy Relationships

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Kenaz, Apr 13, 2014.

  1. Kenaz

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    I often reflect upon the fact that not long ago, and in many cases still today despite momentous improvements, being identified as a queer individual (outside of the cookie-cutter man and women model) was unheard of. You just weren't, and if you were you didn't say a word or dare act out. Those who did were rebellious and created a counterculture. I like to think that we are working our way from being counterculture and more just another piece of culture, one that reflects the reality of the vast spectrum that is sexuality and relationship types. This is my personal ideal.

    Many times the first place people think of when they hear gay is bar. The gay bar. The gay club. To those who are self-identified as Queer (again, this includes all deviating from the 'norm', hopefully this changes) many are also quite aware of social apps that seem to target hookups such as ****** among others (this site even blocked it; it's the Big G.) Let's face it -- while these may be places people have discovered healthy (long-term, stable, mutually beneficial relationships is my personal definition and goal, it may in fact differ for others, however), it seems to breed more short-term, sexually minded goals. This is fine. Let me repeat. This is fine -- if that is all one is looking for; although I hope people are being safe and responsible.

    I think this general consensus comes from the need for humans to socialize and find their own place. Bars and clubs have become what seems like a sort of 'gay culture' thing. As someone who is more introverted in terms of preferring a more personal, social experience as fires, coffee shops, or the couch and a good movie with someone snuggled up -- they aren't my thing. Plus, I am a horrid dancer. (!):lol: I have also found that ****** and other such apps tempts me to be rather... risky. While I do enjoy the sexual urges and intimacy in that form, I want something more emotional and long-term committed. I just feel that's a bad way to begin.

    My ideal then, is to find someone who I met and first developed as a friend with mutual interests. I think perhaps it would be best to find someone naturally doing what I enjoy in life, through similar activities; hobbies, work, etc. Just like clubs may help attract two people into that scene, being around things that are my thing would help find others who are naturally also inclined to those things by their personality and thus subsequent interaction there.

    So, I want to open up discussion for those of us who don't really fit the personality for typical associations with a sort of 'culture' that seems to, erroneously attributed or not, leave a bar and club lifestyle around the identity of many queer individuals in society.

    Where do people meet others outside of bars, clubs, ****** and other similar apps? I guess it just comes down to chance and the right moment? Is there even an ideal relationship? :bang::confused::lol:


    Love,

    Kenaz
     
  2. TheGayCaduceus

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    I too am wondering about where to find healthy relationships.

    I tried the Big T when I first accepted the truth, and was originally planning on a random hookup to see if I enjoyed it. Instead, I ended up having my first encounter with an acquaintance from school. Without the emotional connection, it feels no better than jerking off, in my opinion.

    Anyway, not trying to hijack your thread. Hoping this can get answered. :icon_bigg
     
  3. OGS

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    I used to meet guys at the gym a lot. But I also met my husband of 16 years in a club, so I may not be the best source of info. Seriously, though, I think you just have to get out there and do something that you love in a way that is structured to involve other people who also love it--book groups, cooking classes, baseball teams--anything really. If you can come up with something like that that is predominantly or even exclusively gay your odds will be better. Where I live you can find all of those things in a gay stripe. But in my opinion the only real way to meet people is to get out there and publicly enjoy yourself--and my guess is that the time you meet the guy will be the time you were having such a great time you forgot to look for him.
     
  4. resu

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    You find a healthy relationship from within. :wink: I mean, it's the internal mental/emotional health of each partner, which manifests itself by external actions/decisions, that determines the health of a relationship. The meeting place could be random or not.

    Apps and online dating can work, but you just have to filter out a lot more undesirable people. Also, it could be the app selection that's the problem. I have a friend who was very much like me, quite introverted and nerdy, and he found his girlfriend through online dating. She moved far from her home to live with him, and it really does seem they love each other and will get married.

    Going to some group with common interest is a great idea. It's kind of circular, but when you meet people interested in something, chances are some will share other interests, and you'll be much more likely to find a guy whose personality fits well with yours. Basically, people with similar personalities often end up doing similar things.

    For example, I often go to university classical music concerts because I get free or low priced tickets. Being semi-regular, I managed to find out (basically through looking at the program handouts and searching on Facebook) at least three musicians who are gay; though, I haven't approached them or anything. I would really like to meet someone who shared my passion for music, and what better way than to just see who shows up?

    Other cases I've heard are going to gyms or fitness groups, classes like cooking mentioned above which could seem a little unusual for [straight] men, or other groups (gay men's choruses seem to be popping up everywhere). Just looking at Craigslist missed connections ads, and I've found interesting stories, like guys who saw each other at a dog park, at a restaurant/shop (often with an employee/waiter) or those who met on public transportation.
     
  5. Kenaz

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    Thanks for the responses, all. They are appreciated! :slight_smile: