Underage friend raped me?

Since you were awake and did not object or attempt to stop what was happening he did not actually rape you, no. Also, I think a handjob is sexual assault rather than rape, if the person objects to it (which you didn't).

If he truly believed you were unconscious and unable to object then it's attempted sexual assault in my mind.

However, since he is underage the responsibility falls to you about this. It's wrong that he tried to touch you sexually whilst he believed you to be unable to object. However, it's not better that you allowed a child to touch you. You know better than he does and you've admitted that you allowed it to happen because you wanted it too. That makes you a pedophile.

Yes, he's not far away from 16, and if you had told him no and made a move when he turned 16 then it wouldn't have been illegal. However, if you do anything with him before then then you're the rapist in the eyes of the law. Even engaging in intercourse once he turns 16 will be ethically controversial. At 19 and 16 you are not in the same stages of life in the slightest, even though the actual age gap may not seem that big. He's still a school child.

 

Let's look at the facts here. Regardless of whether he thought you were conscious or not, you were totally aware of what was going on.

Therefore, in the eyes of the law, you allowed a minor to commit a sexual act on you without any attempt to stop them. It doesn't matter if you were worried about ruining a friendship, if you knew what was going on you were legally and ethically obligated to stop him.

One could reasonably question here your self control with minors and be justified in doing so. It matters not whether they are turning 16 tomorrow, until that point they are still a minor.

I know I may be sounding harsh here, but as a parent, if I knew somebody allowed one of my children, even at 15, to do that when they were fully aware and able to stop them I would be absolutely furious. Of course I'd be disappointed in my kid too, but you should no better.

Shame in you.....

 

You can't rape the willing....

(I should add that what confused me on this post is that you classify it as rape, but then you say you wanted him to do it?)

 

I think the situation is a bit more ambiguous. To begin, I think the term 'rape' is being used loosely, here. With happened has already happened, and I don't think feeling ashamed of it is going to do much good. Things happen in our lives that we don't always anticipate, nor make the most rational decisions about; we're all human, animals with instincts, animals who are curious and don't always see things as the law does, in cut and dry numbers. Ages and mental/physical maturity are numbers in the actual world that vary and are arbitrary, as is morality. The law, though, is more rigid.

I'd use this as a learning experience to be more careful in the future. Should he make further advances, say you don't feel it's the right thing. I don't think it's wise to have an affair with a 15 year old, though I also don't think one is a child, at that point. In agrarian times, and even in today the US south, people might even marry and have sex as such an age...to simply make a moral exclamation and that the act was 'wrong' seems too simplistic.

I would recognize that such occurrences are unwise, and then move forward to find ways to avoid them in the future. But to simply view this as a situation of 'blame' and guilt seems to ignore many broader issues, and I don't feel the OP comes across as a bad person, or one who acts in a thoughtless manner---or he wouldn't be posting here. Let's try to understand, and be helpful, not merely judge.

 

'I also don't think one is a child, at that point.'

You just contradicted yourself. Initially you state that maturity is too fluid to be pinned down by certain age markers and then you go on to use that very same logic in defense of your own argument. A 15 year old may or may not be mentally mature enough to go through with a sexual act. From anecdotal evidence - and, forgive me for that, since you seem to be firing on opinion and pockets of historical laws alone - most of the 15 year olds I've known couldn't even clean an oven properly, let alone have that kind of cognitive input to decide such a monumentally altering thing.

At 13 I was repeatedly abused by a woman who had the same logic as you do: 'it's only time, you're not a child anymore, you're ready now,' etc. She too gave off this notion of age as a number whilst seemingly replacing it with here own aged beliefs. What happens when people ignore the law like that and treat it on a case by case basis? They see things they want to see. They see a consenting young adult, when there's actually just a frightened, in experienced, undeveloped child in front of them.

The law is there for a reason and in this case I can say quite definitely that I have witnessed that reason first hand. Was I ready at 16? Actually, no, but the majority of people I knew were. I accept that some people mature faster than others however there has to be a base rate to decide when that is, to stop at least some of the children that could be abused from having this happen to them.

Just because you don't agree with it doesn't mean it doesn't apply here. You make the argument we don't always rationalize before decisions like this - you're right, I can't possibly know for definite whether I'd actually take a bullet for my loved ones or not until the situation arises. The thing is, that doesn't count for anything in the current system the OP is under. There is a law and he's broken it.

Is our system didactic and sometimes dogmatic? Yes. Could the carrot work better than the stick? Maybe. Fluidity is too difficult to deal with in the current public sphere currently. There are just too many people to allow for completely case by case basis, and the public at large are too ignorant for it to be handed over to them. For the system you talk about to work everybody would have to be of your intelligence level and emotionally maturity. Sadly, that's rare.

Also, I just want to add that it threw up immediate warning signs in my mind that the OP came here specifically to ask 'did my underage friend rape me?' and then goes ahead to indicate the part he played in all of this in the actual message. He throws the blame in there from the first sentence and lays it solely on the shoulders of this child - yes, child, legally. Did the kid initiate? Sure. Should he have said no? Of course. You say it yourself that what he did was 'unwise'.

Where we differ may be in how we treat him. What he has gotten from us has been tough but fair according to currently held moral beliefs and laws where he is. I'm aware that that can also go to my own gender and to many issues in the world that aren't actually hurting everybody. However, sometimes the harmless gets trapped in with the harmful in these matters. I'm not convinced that any way of dealing with these issues could weed out purely the actual wrong in the world without condemning it fully. Quite bluntly put, you're affording the OP a great deal of intelligence and benefit of the doubt, which I'm unwilling to give to somebody who's only action I know is allowing someone underage to commit a sexual act on him.

That's not personal. I'm sure there are things that I've done that, posted alone on a forum, would be judged and condemned. I'd expect that and be prepared for it rather than expecting someone to sugar coat it for me and take into account all the good things I've done which they're not even aware of.

 

I'm sorry if anyone disagrees with this post but here's what I think. I think what both of you did was illegal. You never consented to him touching you, wether you objected or not he still instigated a sexual act without your consent. However you were awake and did not stop him which puts you also in the wrong. For the parent out there who said they would be disappointed with the child but furious at you I think is unreasonable. The child committed sexual assault on a (what he thought was sleeping) adult. He was not scared, or pressured, or confused. He knew exactly what he was doing and did it if his own free will. The adult did not ask him to do it and did not even consent to it. Should he have told him to stop- yes. Was this irresponsible and would I be cautious of letting him hang out with the child- yes. But all he was in the wrong for doing is not speaking up. The rest is on the child. And the whole you should know better because you're older thing is BS. That child knew what he was doing was wrong just as much as the adult did. A 15 year old fully knows that what he did is illegal. And if he doesn't then he shouldn't have been touching the adult in the first place. As for doing anything else before he's 16 you should know better by now. If you allow or instigate anything else until he's of legal consenting age you are a pedophile rapist. Until he turns 16 he is not legally ABLE to consent therefore it would be statutory rape. Why don't you try asking him out and going on a date. Why does everything have to start sexually?

 

Oh dear. I don't have much sympathy for the OP - you were definitely not raped because you were the one in the position of power in all this, by virtue of your age. Don't cast yourself as the victim, you're not.

The concern here is for the 15 year old - if he's going around doing things like this to older guys, he's going to get seriously taken advantage of/ abused at some point. He's very likely putting himself in similar positions with other guys too. The situation described by the OP (if it did happen as described) is fairly innocuous in comparison to what could happen. The best thing the OP could do is to have a talk with the guy about boundaries - tell him nothing more can happen, and drill home to him that he needs to stick to guys his own age. And he needs to develop a better grasp on what constitutes consent. It's a tough talk to have, but necessary.

 

Not easy to give you an advice.
Here just some thoughts running through my mind.

If it is illegal in your country it was a bad idea. It just can cause to many problems...and you are the responsible part in this situation so you should have thought about possible problems that it can bring.

But for me (moral and so), it sounds ok what you've done and I don't think you're a bad person.

In my country it is legal to have have sex with someone who is between 14-16 when you are not over 21(just in case you take advantage of a situation or when he is in a kinda dilemma situation or something like that, than it is illegal).

So my personal opinion fits to our law.
I thing it is ok what you've done and don't feel too bad about what happend.
But in your case, especially due to the laws, you should wait till he turns 16 and then decide how you like this to go on.

 

Thanks for pointing this out. The 'moral code' that prevails in the US is not the only one in the western world.

I'm not saying what the OP did was right, or wise; in fact, I'm not making any moral judgements.

But I did want to point out that the morality of the situation is arbitrary, and that perhaps, we can be too hasty in labeling people as 'bad' and wrong, when in fact, things like this are highly relative and situational.

I can understand why people are concerned, but why not approach the situation with compassion, and a willingness to help? It's not an easy situation, but I also don't think it's an uncommon one.

 

I agree with everyone saying that it is a huge problem on his side for not saying no to him, but in a way the idea that "the legal adult" always has the power is kind of scary for legal adults who do get assaulted by minors (Even more so if the legal adult has a disability and logically can't fight back/doesn't know how to say no). I realize this was not the case here, but It's just something I thought up.

As for the OP, no, it would be a bad idea to continue forming a sexual relationship with him considering his age.

 

Legally you could get into some serious trouble. Though I don't know what everyone is so mad about morallyhere. 15 year olds are quite sexual (at least I assume), and it isn't like you are 45! If he was 18 and you were 22 no one would object to that on moral grounds.

None of what happened makes you a pedophile.

Set a definite boundary with this kid. Also no one has mentioned this yet, I think, but the legal age of consent between two SAME SEX individuals is actually 18 in a lot of states when the legal age is 16 for heteros. Not really fair, but there is it.

 

This x 1000

 

Exactly! This is a SUPPORT forum.

 

Totally agree with you

 

In certain states if your are 16 you can date someone up to the age of 22. But you were willing though. I don't classify this as rape. I understand where you are coming from. I was raped by an older girl. But I was so young I didn't understand till I got older. But you like him so be straight forward and tell him. If you don't want to date him right now simply tell him ya'll can date when he is a little older ok. And teenagers are usually very sexually interested. I know cause im 14 but the situation should be approached carefully. Be careful not to hurt him cause in some situations he could turn around and say lies that could get you in trouble so I hope you can figure this all out and I hope everything goes good for you

 

As someone who was sexually abused, I can tell you only someone who is in a position of power or authority or otherwise can manipulate can be accused of sexual abuse or assault. It is unlikely a 15year old would be in that position with a 19 year old. A 15 year old is not an adult. His brain is still developing and far different from a 19 year old. The 15 year old cannot be responsible in this case and seems to be filling an emotional need. I hope you will try to help him get help and I also hope this puts the "event" in perspective for you.

 

I would talk to him. 15 isn't an adult, but he's mature enough to handle a conversation with you. So approach it as we need to nip this in the butt before it goes any further.