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My boyfriends still in the closet and it sort of frustrates me because of the secrets

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by johnnyr860, Apr 15, 2014.

  1. johnnyr860

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    Well because he is in the closet still. I completely understand being in the closet I was there at some point and I know how scary and hard it can be to come out to people. On facebook I see all my friends posting relationship pictures and statues and I get frustrated cause I don't get to do that with him (he doesn't want that).

    Only my close friends and family know about him but I asked his permission before telling them. The other day we went for a walk in the park and I offered to buy him an ice cream from the ice cream cart guy. He agreed and upon getting to the cart I notice a guy holding hands with his girlfriend and he lightly kisses her on the cheek. All I could think to myself is damn I wish that could be me kissing my guy like that. The only time he is ok holding my hand or doing anything with me is when we are at my apartment alone because no one can see us or hear us so we don't have to worry.

    I have told him plenty of times you take as long as you need to come out to friends and family and when you are ready to take that first step I will be right beside you to support you every step of the way. Secretly I am frustrated I just never tell him. While I love him dearly this relationship for us is one big secret for him and I wonder if he will ever at some point decide to come out considering he told me recently he doesn't see how he can ever come out to anyone.

    I hate that while everyone else is open about their relationships our relationship feels like a game of hide and seek cause none of his friends or family know and he has to hide me everywhere we go. On the streets it's like we're just friends. We don't become boyfriends until we get behind the closed doors of my apartment and that is frustrating to me although I love him and will always support him I just won't mention the frustration to him I suppose. What would you do in a situation like this? Advice is appreciated.
     
    #1 johnnyr860, Apr 15, 2014
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2014
  2. BookDragon

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    Re: My boyfriends still in the closet and it sort of frustrates me because of the sec

    Personally I'm a bit on the fence.

    On the one hand I would completely understand his need to be in the closet assuming their were good reasons. As you said, it's scary before hand and if coming out is certain to have some awful and immediate side effect (like him getting kicked out of his home or something) I could understand him needing time.

    On the other hand, I'm not sure how long I could keep that up. I mean I would want to be able to celebrate my romantic relationships the way anybody else does, which is why I think I would probably struggle to date anyone who was closeted anyway...

    So I think actually if it bothered me that much I would probably have to talk to him and probably break up with him...just because I couldn't accept responsibility for FORCING him out of the closet in case something bad happened, but at the same time I couldn't handle being a secret for very long.

    But that's just me.
     
  3. thesleepingbear

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    Re: My boyfriends still in the closet and it sort of frustrates me because of the sec

    Agreed with above.

    You love him dearly, right? So wait for him! :slight_smile: You can only be patient and be there for him when needed. I imagine coming out is really scary for some people, so you can't blame him. People can be really judgmental. Support him along the way, with little words of encouragement here and there, and cherish your time behind the doors, ohonhonhon~
    Good luck!
     
  4. BookDragon

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    Re: My boyfriends still in the closet and it sort of frustrates me because of the sec

    I'm not sure you read what I wrote quite right sleepingbear...
     
  5. AimIgnite

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    Re: My boyfriends still in the closet and it sort of frustrates me because of the sec

    This is a tough situation. I completely understand your feelings (I've been in your shoes before) and honestly, I don't agree with the other posters. Obviously you're very agitated by not being able to celebrate your love, but please remember that it isn't your boyfriend's fault entirely.
    You remember being in the closet. I don't know what it was like for you, but for me it was quite scary. Even though my country doesn't have any kind of anti-gay laws or punishment for being gay, the thought of coming out still scared me and I stayed in the closet for 5 years after realising I liked girls. People come out at different times in their lives for many different reasons--my first step would be to talk to your boyfriend and ask him why he's afraid to come out. And whatever his reason is, support him. Tell him that it's okay and try to point out ways that the problem could be fixed (ie if he was afraid of being kicked out by his parents, offer to help him find a new place).
    I've heard too many horror stories of couples breaking up because one person pushed the other to come out. Please don't be one of those stories. Don't give your boyfriend the choice of coming out and staying with you or staying in the closet and breaking up because trust me, that's a heartbreaking decision and he won't love you more for giving him that ultimatum.
    So talk to him. Find out why he isn't ready to come out yet and support him no matter what, and for the love of God, please don't push him.
     
  6. BookDragon

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    Re: My boyfriends still in the closet and it sort of frustrates me because of the sec

    I feel the need to clarify now, I'm not suggesting you give this guy an ultimatum of "come out or I'm leaving you".

    The reality is that keeping your relationship a secret is clearly bothering you and that has the potential to seriously damage your relationship. I mean at this point you sound like you are basically worried that if you go along with it he will just get comfortable with the secrecy and just not bother coming out because it's easier that way. That's going to breed resentment if you don't talk about it pretty sharpish.

    Thing is, you are sitting here wanting a normal relationship. I'm guessing he probably does too, but while he's in the closet you can't have that.

    Now again I'll point out I'm on the fence on this.

    On the one hand, it's not his necessarily his fault he is in the closet (because in the interests of fairness we are going to assume he has actual fears about it like most of us do/did).

    On the other hand, as you well know it can take years to feel ready to come out to that first person, and even long to come out to the world. You shouldn't feel pressured to staying in a secret relationship if you find it uncomfortable just because the other person can't come out yet.

    It certainly isn't NICE to get to a stage where you are basically saying "I need more than you can give me right now", but if it does get to that stage, you shouldn't feel you have to tolerate it.

    It SUCKS, don't get me wrong and it will REALLY suck for him if it comes down to that, but if it's not going to work because you don't like it being a secret then it simply isn't going to work. It's not a case of making him choose, that's cruel. It's a case of you stepping up and saying "this won't work" if it gets to that point.

    As I say, HOPEFULLY you can talk it through with this guy and figure out a way to MAKE it work and help him through it, but if you can't don't feel trapped just because you might make the other guy sad.
     
  7. Fallingdown7

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    Re: My boyfriends still in the closet and it sort of frustrates me because of the sec

    I agree with you on this...I wouldn't be able to stay in a relationship with a closeted person. It's unhealthy for both sides.

    I feel bad saying this but I feel like a lot of closeted people aren't ready for relationships since they haven't come to term with themselves yet. A relationship is a lot of work. Plus, if you're in relationship trouble while not being out, who can you go to for help and advice? A lot of people like to talk about their relationships.

    However, I am not saying that you should out your partner. It's ALWAYS wrong to out someone regardless of the circumstances.

    But if the other person IS out, It's not fair to them to be in a secret relationship. I've been with closeted people and it made me feel dirty and shameful. I really never want to do that again.

    I'm on the fence here, because a compromise has to be made. It's not fair for the boyfriend to come out if he isn't ready, but It's also not fair for the OP to have his relationship needs denied either.
     
  8. johnnyr860

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    Re: My boyfriends still in the closet and it sort of frustrates me because of the sec

    I just want to take this time to thank you all for your kind responses and posts and I too would like to add some details of clarification to my situation that I probably should have added to the original post.

    I agree with what you have all said here. I want to be clear that I do not believe in outing someone and would never force someone to come out if they were not ready. I love him so much he is my life and the main reason why I make it through each day no matter how hard and difficult and stressful it can be. The truth is about 2 weeks ago he dumped me. Being gay is so hard for him. I told him think about what you're doing here. I have given you my all and given you more then you could ever want or need and have never asked you for anything in return and yet you go and dump me like this?

    About 2 days later he sent me a text to say he was thinking hard and couldn't sleep and he said he felt like crap for having dumped me and that he was depressed and wishes I could forgive him and resume our relationship. I believe in 2nd chances so I said ok (I already knew he would come crawling back to me before he even texted me). As far as my friends and family are concerned the relationship never ended because I never told them he dumped me for 2 days.

    This is what being gay is doing to him. He is in denial followed by being uncomfortable with his own sexuality so out of rash decision he leaves only to return 2 days later. The other day he came over and we were just watching TV and he hands me a piece of paper with names. I look at the paper and say well what's this? He told me they are boy and girl names and I said yes I can see that and he said they were names he thought were cute. So I said ok but why did you feel the need to share this list with me then?

    He said that if the future comes and we ever got married and wanted to adopt kids this list would be of names he thinks we should consider. I told him I thought the names were cute as well. I have told him in the past that you cannot hide forever. Eventually people will find out and if what you say about us getting married and adopting kids to start a family is true then you have to come out if not now then someday sometime but pushing it away every time I bring up the subject or worse changing the subject on me won't get us any closer to a step in the right direction. I say this and he just wasn't even sure how to respond back or at least offer some sort of defense for himself.
     
  9. bruiser80

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    Re: My boyfriends still in the closet and it sort of frustrates me because of the sec

    Hey mate,

    I hear ya in the same shoes here, me and my bloke have even discussed if our kids if they are boys will be cut or not.

    Right now I'm after a step now matter how small to show me, he wants to help himself. I've been in a 7 yr relationship before and we were kidding ourselves a relationship is hard enough as it is without it being super hard.

    Good luck man.
     
  10. Will2M

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    Re: My boyfriends still in the closet and it sort of frustrates me because of the sec

    I thnk to sum this all up you should talk to him about it. But don't make it negative. Approach it as a "I love you so much and want to be able to show everyone that I'm completely head over heels for you." It's hard for him but you should say you want to help him through it so you can move on to the next stage of your relationship. If he really puts up a lot of resistance then you can fall back into the holding pattern you are in but you need to explain your feelings to him and how you feel. Emphasis that you love him but keep the conversation on track.

    Just my two cents.
     
  11. blueskies

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    Re: My boyfriends still in the closet and it sort of frustrates me because of the sec

    I'm afraid I can't offer you much help other than that I know exactly what you're going through. My boyfriend is deeply closeted too, we're only out to one mutual friend + my parents (as of tomorrow). I'm here if you ever need to talk to someone who's experienced the same things as you have! :slight_smile:
     
  12. johnnyr860

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    Re: My boyfriends still in the closet and it sort of frustrates me because of the sec

    Thank you all for the responses. Well yesterday I turned 25 and he completely forgot to send me a happy birthday message. It takes 10 seconds to type the words happy birthday on your phone and hit send. It appears that while my friends and family were busy messaging me on my big day he didn't even bother to remember which is interesting because he told me he would have yesterday off and he knew it was my birthday because I reminded him throughout the week how I couldn't wait to finally be 25.

    He was on instagram posting selfies so I know he couldn't be that busy if he posted the words "i'm bored" in one of his photo captions. Truth is he can be very forgetful about me too. Sometimes he tells me he will call me or come over and he completely forgets and claims he just forgot all about it.

    About everything else I will be sure to sit him down soon and tell him how I feel about this all and tell him I love him but want to be more noticed. I just hope for the best and hopefully talking about how I feel about him and about coming out can help move us in the right direction. Thanks for the help everyone :slight_smile:
     
  13. Julieno

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    Re: My boyfriends still in the closet and it sort of frustrates me because of the sec

    You need to see the big picture. I was in a really similar situation and had to end it a couple of weeks ago. It wasn't something trivial, I knew i was going to hurt him and that was really painful for me in return, but in the end it was not healthy for anyone. Sometimes you have t accept that you may not need the same things.

    In my case, He told me that he was not considering coming out at all even though I offered unconditinal support and as much time as he could need (even years!). It may not be the same for you, so good luck. I think if you really love him there is nothing wrong with staying with him if he shows sign of wanting to change on not so nearby future.

    Whatever you decide to do, try to be supportive, even if it is not a happy ending. We all have been there and know how it feels like (at least I think that is the right thing to do).

    Also here if you or anyone in a similar situation need to talk :slight_smile:
     
  14. DangerAlex

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    Re: My boyfriends still in the closet and it sort of frustrates me because of the sec

    My opinion is probably not going to be very popular.

    It's funny because when I was reading the OP's first post, I was thinking "Okay, I understand fear is keeping him in the closet, but this guy also sounds kind of selfish." Then I read that you said he pretty much has no intent of coming out, didn't acknowledge your birthday, and forgets when he makes plans with you. But he had plenty of time to litter Instagram with selfish, and god knows Instagram needs more selfies...

    Here's what I think: Yes, I am very sympathetic to someone trapped in the closet by fear. But I also think that finding the love of your life is probably the best motivation and incentive for coming out. It doesn't sound to me like your boyfriend is very considerate of what YOU want and need. I don't think you should necessarily give him an ultimatum--truthfully, no one knows your situation like you so, no one knows how he feels or how you feel about him, so these are things you need to think about and decide for yourself--, but I feel like you need to brace yourself for the proximity that, although he may love you very much, he's unable to be what you need and deserve if he can't accept himself and is ashamed of you. And bottom line, that's what is making him keep you a secret; he's ashamed of being with a man.

    I know how hard it is to consider a life without the person you love more than anything, believe me, but I truly believe you deserve more from him.

    I really wish you all the best, and good luck. Hope everything works out for you.