I know time is the answer to my question, I just feel the need to talk about this. I'm 19 years old and I've never been in a relationship. I've never even had an intimate encounter with a guy. A little over two weeks ago, I met this guy on an app, and we clicked very well. We had talked that whole day and exchanged numbers. The only problem was the distance between us. With both of us in school, we live about 4 hours apart. When I go home though, we're only about an hour away from each other. I've never really been sure what I'm looking for in terms of a guy, I guess I really just want a companion, somebody I know who is there for me and cares about me, and somebody I care about. Distance doesn't bother me too much, so long as we both make an effort to see each other as much as possible. As we talked more and more and became more interested in each other, I addressed the whole distance thing, because to be honest, I didn't really want to continue talking if distance was going to be a problem. I don't like distance either, but it's something that needs to be dealt with sometimes, and there are ways around it that can still allow for a happy relationship. So yeah, we continued to talk every day through text, we would Snapchat so we could actually see each other's faces, and we pretty much did this throughout the days. Since meeting him, I have grown to like him so much, and it seemed that he had the same feelings towards me. There is a weekend in May that I said I could get home and he could come up and we could actually spend a weekend together for the first time, and we both were so excited for this plan. Overall, I was just really developing feelings for this guy, and he said he was too. This sounds foolish as I type it seeing as it's only been about three weeks we've been talking, but I mean it when I say that I really like him and I could not wait for that weekend in May. Well the past few days, conversation slowed down a bit since he went on vacation for the weekend and school and whatnot. We both told each other that we're still thinking about each other even though conversation slowed down a little. Well yesterday, he finally said that he's been unsure about the whole thing since he's so busy with school and work and that the distance is too much. He proceeded to say how I deserve somebody who can focus on me more and who will make me feel special. I told him that what we had now, even with the slower conversations, makes me feel special (which is true) and that I'd still like to continue talking and still meet him in May. He didn't really respond to that, but he asked me how I was doing last night. That didn't really go anywhere. This morning, I decided to ask him if he could clarify what he said yesterday in not being sure about "us", and he said he would like to call it off. He said the distance is not working out, and he would not see me enough to know if "us" would really work out. I'm going to have a car at school now, and I told him that we could see each other more often than previously thought since I would have a car now, but it wasn't enough for him, and he said the connection was gone. When I think about it, I'm less hurt by the fact that he feels the distance is too much, and more hurt over how sudden this came on me. If you look at our texts two days ago, we look happy and excited to see each other. Fast forward to today and he says he has lost interest. I can't blame him for the distance problem, because it's true, it sucks and I absolutely HATE that distance is a problem. But to say that he has lost interest and that we're not going anywhere, it just broke my heart honestly. He has left me thinking that he feels absolutely nothing towards me, and it's killing me. I'm a very mature guy, but when it comes to relationships, I admit I'm immature because I've never been even close to one. This is the closest I've been, and it was going so well and I had so much hope, and it seems it's been torn apart out of nowhere. I asked him to at least stay in touch with me from time to time and consider still coming over that weekend in May, which he has agreed to, but he has emphasized that he is only considering it. I appreciate this very much, and it at least allows me to hope that he cares about me somewhat. But I'm left here now completely heartbroken; he is so amazing and caring, and he seemed so excited to be in a relationship with me, just like I was. I'm mad at myself for feeling like this within a pity time interval of three weeks, but I just can't help it. I had a class later this morning and I could barely focus on the lecture because I was just trying to process what has happened. Even now, I've barely eaten anything today and I have no appetite; I actually feel nauseous. I'm worried for my well-being at this point. I'm in school and I have a lot of work to do, but I can't stop thinking about what has happened. I know time is the only way to get over this, but I really wanted to write it down and maybe get input from others to at least attempt to ease the pain. I feel so foolish, really. I'm over here complaining about losing a guy I've known for three weeks who I haven't even met in person. It just felt like so much longer and I really felt a connection with him. But now I can only hope that he actually stays in touch every once in a while, and we can hopefully meet that weekend in May to at least talk about this. Thanks for reading, and any input is appreciated.
I'm very sorry to hear about how things ended. When you've never been in a relationship before, the first time you talk to someone and develop feelings for them and it begins looking like things could become serious, it has a way of making you feel like this is THE relationship. Like you're practically in love with the person. Inexperience can betray you because you get too invested too soon, before there's even really a relationship to get invested in. I have seen this more times than I could possibly count, and it seems to be what you're experiencing. And you shouldn't feel bad about that; this happens to almost everyone. There's no fault in meeting someone, connecting with them to some extent, and getting excited about the potential. At the same time, the best advice I can give you is to not continue asking him to discuss his reasons for suddenly becoming "emotionally" distant. He told you that your distance is too much, that he couldn't give you the attention you deserve, and that for this reason he's lost interest; you should respect that and not try to force him into pursuing a relationship with you if that's no longer something he wants. After all, could you really be happy with someone knowing that they would have preferred not to be in a relationship with you for one reason or another? There's nothing wrong with continuing to talk to him in a friendly way, no reason you two couldn't be pen pals of a sort, but if I were you, I wouldn't keep questioning him about "us". For a lot of reasons. Considering how little time you've even been talking to him, that's just way too soon for there to even be an "us", especially when you've never even met in person, and no matter how fast you feel you bonded. A girl I went on two dates with over the course of a month did this, asking me about "us" and how strongly I felt about her, and the truth was that even though we texted a lot, I still felt like I hardly knew her. It was incredibly unattractive and off-putting, and it was the reason I lost interest in going on anymore dates with her. Again, there's nothing wrong with getting excited about making new connections and exploring possibilities. Potential is very enticing and romantic and sometimes it's hard not to get carried away. When I met my boyfriend, things progressed very quickly, especially considering the fact that neither of us had ever been romantically interested or involved with a guy before. But the thing is, that progress never stopped or slowed; our bond continued to grow, we fell in love, and we're still together now, not far from our one-year anniversary. My point is that sometimes these quick, intense bonds we feel do become meaningful, lasting relationships; and then sometimes they do not. As you gain more dating experience, you'll learn to sort of roll with the punches. I understand you feel a bond with this guy and started to care about him to the extent that you can in such a short time without ever meeting in person, but if this can happen for you the way it did, imagine how it would be when you can see the person in real life regularly, spend time getting to know each other in person. Don't get discouraged! This is only the beginning. Good luck!
Thank you so much for your response. What you described really does explain everything I'm going through. He also told me how our texting became "plain and boring." That just really makes me sad because he seemed to enjoy as much as I did. I told him today that we can FaceTime and such and it would at least make it a little more personal and real, but he said it's too late. I just don't know what to think, what's true, nothing. It would have been one thing if we grew apart over a span of time, but that wasn't the case here. He just sprung it on me out of nowhere and it is still killing me. And what's even more bothersome is how he seems to be letting this all go like it's nothing. I know there really is nothing I can do, I really just wish he had known what he wanted to begin with, because it obviously wasn't our situation. It's so hard for me to find a guy I like to begin with, and he's just given up out of nowhere it seems. I mean at certain times, he seemed more invested in a relationship than I did. That's really why I'm so hurt; he just turned the other direction so quickly with no warning. I'm probably just repeating information, so sorry. He hasn't cut me out entirely yet it seems, which is why I feel as if I'm hanging on - like I'm fighting for this 1% chance that he'll just realize he likes me more than he's playing it off as, but now I don't even know what's true.
I'd be careful about how much hope I'd hang onto if I were you. It's okay to be hopeful, but you should also be realistic. Neither of you have much time invested into each other, and while it sounds like he was as enthusiastic as you were at first, it's very possible that it just took him a little time to realize that he didn't want to be in a long-distance relationship. Even FaceTime and iChat is incomparable to being with someone in person, being able to touch them and hold them. Being able to be physically with someone is a very, very important part of a relationship. That's not to say long-distance isn't possible, but that's usually something couples deal with once they dated for a while in real life. To meet at a long distance and then have a long-distance relationship with almost zero interaction in person just isn't going to be appealing to most people at all. His changing his mind so quickly could be because of any number of things. He could have met someone else, someone close or closer. Maybe as you two talked more and more, he didn't see the sort of connection with you that he was expecting or hoping to have. Or maybe--and I think most likely--he really did realize that he didn't want to pursue a relationship with someone who was so far away, someone he still hadn't even met yet. I really wouldn't take it personally if I were you, although I know it's hard not to. I really don't think it was necessarily anything you said or did; I really think it was just the situation. Specifically, the four hours between you that would put a huge limitation on how serious your relationship could get. I really do feel for you. We all know what unrequited feelings feel like. But I'd be careful about coming across too desperate or clingy. The fact of the matter is that, no matter how quickly or strong you feel your connection developed, you only knew him for a few weeks and never met him in person. That actually puts you at an advantage; if you'd been rejected by someone you'd been talking to and dating in person and then he suddenly lost interest, you'd feel so much worse, and insecure, and it would be harder to get over that kind of loss. The fact that you've never met in person and only talked for a few weeks should make it easier to chalk him up to a learning experience. There are so many other fish in the sea. Just like I feel he probably didn't want to pursue a relationship with almost zero opportunity for in-person interaction, I feel like you would also benefit from finding someone closer to you. Someone whose hand you can hold, someone you can go on actual dates with, and not have to rely on FaceTime to see his face or hear his voice. When you've never had a relationship before, I feel like you need the experience of having a real, bona fide significant other that you can see on a regular basis. Compared to what you could have had with this guy you've posted about here, I really think that would make you much, much happier. Keep you chin up. I know the abruptness and his being so nonchalant about deciding not to pursue a relationship with you hurts, but I really think you're better off. And at least you weren't more invested in it than just a few weeks of texting. Hope this helps!
I know I'm being clingy and desperate right now. He seemed to let me go so easily, I just couldn't do the same. And I know it could be so much worse, which is another reason why I feel so terrible. He really was somebody I wanted to be close to, who I wanted to hold hands with and lay down with. We talked all the time about how we wish we could be next to each other and talk and just spend time together. All of this is slowly turning into anger for me. I'm angry that distance is a problem. I know distance is a problem and I admit that during the couple of weeks, it was painful to only be able to text him. I just thought he was worth waiting for, so we could at least meet and discuss things further in person where it would be a lot more effective. But now I'm not being given a chance. It might be a good thing, I really don't know, but all I can feel now is pain - how the two of us couldn't continue on because of distance, the fact that we both have school and are forced to stay there in order to move forward in life. Here I am, passionate about my field of study and so eager to move forward, but now I feel it's worthless since I can't even be happy. Because truthfully, I'm not happy. I'm doing very well academically, but I'm not happy because I cannot share my life with anybody. And here I was, very happy with what we had going, and it just didn't work out on his part, and so abruptly. I just feel like life should allow us to meet and be closer, but it doesn't, and that makes me so angry. Socially, I'm just not happy where I am, and at this point, I don't know if I can do another year at this school while remaining so alone. Most people my age have been in a relationship, and I can't even start one. But I feel so ready for one. He's the only one that I've really felt comfortable with so far, but now he's gone. This has turned into my own personal pity party I feel. Thank you so much for listening and replying. Reading your posts really is helpful.
No, don't feel bad about your "pity party". We've all been there; I know I have, and I just bottled it up and buried it deep inside. I'm sure letting it out like you are makes you better off than I was by suppressing my pain. I don't blame you for feeling hurt. It's painful to feel expendable to someone, cast off like you don't matter. But maybe the solution is that anger you're starting to feel. If I were you, I'd resent the fact that he could case you off so easily. Find strength and liberation in his being so blasé. You don't want to be with someone, no matter how great the conversation was, that can go from being excited to meet you one day to deciding the distance makes it not worth it. I'm sorry your social/romantic life is so unfulfilling to you. Having never had a relationship before, you seem to be putting a heck of a lot of stock into the ability of a relationship to give your life meaning and purpose. I understand why you feel that way though; simply put, you've never had a relationship before and you want one. That's understandable, especially at your age. I always went through periods of being single and absolutely hating it, and hating life as a result. It was miserable. But then again, I went through periods where I loved being single, and conversely, through periods where I hated dating and being in relationships while I was in them. So it goes. It's a case of "the grass is always greener", and what you want and don't have sometimes has a way of seeming like the solution to all your problems and unhappiness. To tell you the truth, once you've got some dating experience under your belt, you'll wonder why you put such emphasis on them. Yes, it is absolutely wonderful to say you belong to someone and have a special connection with them and give yourself to them in an intimate way, a way that you don't give yourself to just anyone. It's a great thing to share with someone. But with the good also comes the bad (which you've gotten a small taste of): Heartbreak, fights, jealousy, competition, sleepless nights, unanswered texts, things said out of resentment and anger that you'll remember and replay in your head over and over and over and over. I'm not saying that makes relationships not worth it, but I'm just trying to point out that dating and having intimate relationships isn't just sunshine and rainbows. You have to be prepared to take all the bad the comes with the good. Being a college student, you're actually in an opportune situation to meet and date people. My advice to you is to become more involved in your school's community, meet people, get out there and have fun. Don't put pressure on yourself to find a boyfriend; oftentimes we find our partners when we're not looking for them. They have a way of popping up when you're not expecting it. But while you're looking for your first boyfriend, it couldn't hurt to go on some dates and get your feet wet, so to speak. And you'll learn to sort of roll with the punches. If someone you like doesn't seem very interested in you, it won't hurt so much; you'll just say, "Oh well, there's plenty more where he came from," and it'll be easier not to get stuck on any one person. Don't give up on your coursework and your degree. School is, by and large, way more important than finding and having a boyfriend. The boyfriend you have now isn't going to give you a career, an income, a home, etc. in four or five years. Chances are that any boyfriend you have now will be replaced several times by then, although that's just a generalization on my part and not a rule. I know your heart stings from this guy who seems to suddenly not care. So consider it a lesson in dating, especially over the internet and long distances; people are volatile with short attention spans and attitudes and goals and plans and desires that change from one minute to the next. It will be so much easier to pursue a relationship and hold a person's interest when you're talking and dating in person. I'm sure this experience has made you doubt and feel bad about yourself, but it shouldn't. It wasn't because of your; it was the situation. Hope is not lost for you, not by a long shot. Chin up! (Wow, sorry for the novel. I'm wordy sometimes apparently.)
Thank you for your words. I just really hope I can get over this quickly, but it doesn't seem like I will. I'm afraid to lay in bed tonight because I know I'll be thinking about him, but this time, it'll be about how I lost him rather than how I have him to look forward to. It really just sucks; he was so great. I'm doing my best to work on homework even right now, but it's just so difficult. I don't think I've ever felt this bad, but I guess I have to experience it some time, and now is the time. Thank you once again for everything you've said.
