First off Hello everyone. I'm so glad that I stumbled onto this site. I feel so lost. Let me explain the situation the best I can. Hope someone reads. I'm Gay. My (ex?) best friend is not. Weve been friends for about 6 years. We have gone all over the country together. Built cars. I've been there when all his friends, as they all eventually do to him for some reason, turn their back on him. We've just been good friends. Somewhere along the line, I felt feelings for him as many of us have expierenced can be a fusterating thing. But I was okay with it, as I knew it was just feelings. He's straight, and I was able to handle it just fine. It sucked, and was honestly kinda unhealthy to feel that way, but we cant help what we feel. ANNNNYYWAY.... I didn't let on, I just would always do the same as we had always done. See I was the friend that would always do things for him. He could hand me trash and I would always grab it and throw it away. If he asked me to do something, I would do it. I guess looking back, i was his bitch. But he was like a brother to me. Well 6 months ago, we moved into a house together. Things were fine. I enjoyed having him around and seeing him more. When he moved in, we also moved in a friend of his that was not my friend, and to be honest, I didnt like him at all. But over all things were fine so i thought. But I guess over time, his friend and his girl friend were in his ear about how I am with him. Always wanting to hang. I always did his laundry cause he hated doing it. I was just there. like always. Just having feelings for him just made it to where I just enjoyed doing things more. So he started hanging out with some new friends like a month ago. He started partying and drinking which he never did. He was against it forever. Then all of a sudden one night 3 weeks ago, I was in his room with him listening to music and i read a text that he was talking shit on me and saying he just needs to get out of here. I just got quiet and left. The next day I confronted him and he just started blasting me for the things I do for him. Like someone ate all his oreos, and he got mad, so I bought some oreos and taped the bag to his door. And a couple weeks before that I got him a "Life is good" card and It said how proud of him i am with everything hes doing in his life. Said Love ya bro at the end. Now this has been the norm for us for ever. But he blasted me saying he dosent like that I put the oreos on his door and the card and that "shit". He spoke loud as if he wanted them to hear him blast me. He had been telling his friends and our room mate and his gf stuff. Like just being demeaning to me. During this conversation I just said I'm sorry for all that. It's just always been that way. But the reason I have been bugging you more to hang out and shit is I guess somewhere along the lines I developed feelings for you. .... Idk why I said that. He moved out a week later. To this day, we still talk every day. texting. He still will not see me in person and we have had many conversations about the future of our friendship. I have asked him many times if he just does not want to be friends. I have asked him if he wants to just stop talking. But he said no. He said he will never hate me, nor will he ever quit talking to me. But he said he will never look at me the same. Idk what to do. I miss him. Alot. Not as someone that I was in love with, but as my best friend. We often text as if things are normal. But they are not. I have not seen him in 3 weeks. that is the longest we have gone without seeing each other in 6 years. We have talked every day, for 6 years. Even as I'm writing this, were randomly texting about a truck he wants now. I have been with him, or drove with him hours and hours away to get ever car he has ever had. What do I do? I can't go from being best friends to....this. He said to me He does not have a problem with gay people, because he has always know about me. we talked about it once. But he said he has a problem with a best friend having gay feeling for him. But then he will say, "I think we will be like we were, just give it time", but then will say "Ill never look at you the same". Then I ask him does he think that he will ever see me as Normal Jason ever again, and he says IDK. I really can not answer that. I don't want to feel like this any more. I lost my best friend. But not completly. It's like I am this part time friend he only wants to talk to when he needs advice or no one else is around. I deff wont be hanging with him and his "new friends" any time soon. But the funny thing is they both have no problem with me. A part of me wants someone to talk to him and help him understand that Love is Love and even tho it's not what he would want, it's not a bad thing. Make him more open minded about everything.. THe other part of me wants to just not even be a part of his life. Because I do not need part time friends. I need my best friend. I just need advice. idk. to be honest, hes always been a bad friend. to everyone. even me. but he was my bad friend. He was loyal to me. idk. help? (sorry about all the rambling and bad grammar) Jason
First off, I'm sorry that you have been rejected, but it looks like this wasn't unexpected if his other friends have turned away from him. It's actually really hard for friendships that have lasted many years to break, but that is dependent on the friendship being equally beneficial to both people. I'm not sure that's the case for you. Personally I think it was good you told your feelings because now you aren't the only one carrying this burden while he remained oblivious. You seem like a very caring person, and I'm pretty sure that even though he's changed his outward behavior due to the negative influences of those he hangs out with, he still recognizes you were there for him. Actually, him moving out was a good decision, and maybe you had too much wishful thinking that you could handle your feelings when you first moved in together. I think you first need to be with friends of your own choosing, those who you are comfortable with and don't have to tiptoe around for fear of getting them upset. Even though you were subservient to your "ex", you were also deriving some satisfaction of being his helper. I think that taught him to not you as an equal. Your generosity probably also made him upset knowing he was using you, hence why he got irrationally angry and demeaning. You are being too passive and need to assert some of your own requests if you want this friendship to be repaired. First off, you should not always keep answering him if he is unable to listen to your own concerns and life. You might even say that you don't want to be a part time friend and explain how he makes you feel. It might just be easiest to go on a long break from any contact, including texting. For the past six years, who's life have you been living? His or yours?
Hey there Jason. I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. I can only imagine how heartbreaking it would be to lose your best friend, especially like that. Remember that none of this is your fault. You sound like an amazing friend that anyone would be lucky to have. More than anything he probably just feels insecure or uncomfortable about the way his friends were perceiving your guys' friendship. I doubt this has much to do with your feelings toward him, especially if he says he's known about the possibility for so long.
Damn @resu. Thats such a good question. I can not honestly answer that. Everyone saiys I need to break comtact with him because its a matter of time and he will lose these friends too. But I dont want to be the fall back friend. And I have tried tellimg him that. He just says ggve it time. Wtf am I giving time for? To decide if hes okay that I had gay (as he puts it) feelings for him? Time to see if he will look at me like he did before? Which he shouldnt have looked at me different in the first place. Everything else you said was on point. He never viewed me as an equal. Everyone else always came first. And your right. I am beimg too passive. I love him as a best friend. We literally were inseparable for 6 years. Now. Im so lost. But your right. I have to fimd that stregnth to cut the cord and step back. Im just one of those people who hates wasted, lost time. But on a positive note. I do have some amazimg friends. Who also used to be his friends who have been supportive of this whole ordeal and also said I need to break contact. But they are all straight of course, but know im gay and know us both very well. Im just so confused. I wish he would cut it off. Cause idk where to even start to find the stregnth. Thank you so much for your reply. ---------- Post added 16th Apr 2014 at 09:39 PM ---------- @kor Hi kor. Thank you for the reply. No. He has known. He said he just didnt think it would be like this. I still dont know what that means to this day. But maybe your right. Maybe it isnt me. Maybe he is just so eager to impress people who really dont know (cause thats how he is) that their opinion of me was more important so he didmt loose the inn with these new people. Idk. But thank you for the reply!!
Hi Jason, I'm sorry you're in a tough spot with your friend. Going from seeing each other often to not at all is crushing. I've been in your shoes. I've been passive with crushes in the past and it hurts when the feelings are being reciprocated and you feel like you're being used. My advice is to even this friendship out. Maybe you need some space from him. No communication. In the past, I would be the same way: I'd drop whatever I was doing if my crush needed a favor. I'd bend over backwards and go through all this trouble just to do something for him. Of course I wouldn't tell him what I'd sacrifice because I wanted him to be happy. But think about it like this: What has he done for you? Say he's grateful and thank you and that's it? After a while, you cant help but feel used. Of course everyone would pick up on the fact that you do more for him than even maybe his GF. Question: has he ever done anything for you? Run out to get you oreos? While that may seem logical: "hey if I help him out, he'll develop feelings for me and we'll live happily ever after", it rarely works out that way. When a guy likes you, he likes YOU. Even if you say no to things he's asked you to do. Because he knows you have your own things going on and/or you just can't. A guy (gay or straight) respects their friend/crush. They understand everyone has differences and opinions. If he wanted a person who does everything for him, he'd date his mom - or a doll. He wants passion (relationship or friendship). He wants to feel "alive" in a sense. He enjoys some push back and a good debate from time to time. I am going through a situation right now with my friend where I've developed feelings as well. (Loooooooong read, btw if you're interested) But I've realized that I don't have to cater to his every whim. I know my worth and he respects that. If he offends me, I let him know. If he needs a favor, I offer to help if I can and it works both ways. He's helped me on college papers and I've helped him at work. He's paid for dinner and I'd buy him drinks. All that is required from us is a Thank you to show our appreciation. He's invited me out many times where I've said no because I've had previous plans or other reasons. I have friends outside of him and vice versa. In a nutshell, know your worth. Know that you don't have to bend over backwards to get someone to like you. If he is a true friend, he'll respect that (and even appreciate it!) Part of the reason why he's probably hanging out with other people is to try different things and get out of your friendship (that sounds harsh but you know what I mean). My advice? let him. Sure it hurts but let him try something new. When you say you don't approve of his new friends, you sound like his mom. Not romantic. Think this quote: "absence makes the heart grow fonder." and couple it with "if you love it, let it go, if it comes back, it's yours". Have some confidence on what a awesome person you are and people will see it too. Get some hobbies. Find a new group of friends. Do your thing. Remember that the person you want to be with is supposed to compliment you, not be your everything. Show him that you don't need him (even though you feel differently). Show him that you can be awesome with or without him so he better get it together! It will be hard, remember, I've been there. But once you recognize that you're a pretty awesome person, you don't need his friendship to fulfill you. Work on establishing boundaries. What you will or wont do for him. Make some demands. I read somewhere that to get a person to like you (platonically or otherwise), ask them to do YOU a favor. Once they do it, they start thinking they must like you because why would they do a favor for you in the first place? Even out this relationship. Once you've done that, you have a good foundation to start on. Then you can sort out your romantic feelings for him. As of now, you're in communication with him yet he hasn't made a move to see you in person. Light a fire under his butt! Stop talking to him! Demand more! if he makes plans to see you, see him but keep it cordial. If he doesn't, then he doesn't respect this friendship the way you do and move on. I know this sounds harsh, but if youre always bending over backwards for people, you'll end up in a position where this will always happen and you will always feel used of taking advantage of and you'll attract people who are users and ungrateful. Hope this helps!
@noClue . I just wanted to say thank you for your reply also. I think so much of what you said was said in truth. It seems the concensus is that I need space from him. It's hard tho, because he still texts me just about every day, and when he dosent text me, I text him. (-__-) That is the hardest thing that I think needs to happen. I am very interested in reading your story so if you have posted it please share the link, or just put it here. Hearing responses from people like me who have been there done that really is so comforting. And I do not want to say that I do not approve of his friend per say, but I do not like the road he is down. I also feel he has talked me down so much to them, that he might feel stupid if he even wanted to hang out. But your right, that is something he needs to work out cause He does need to see my worth. He needs to see how genuine I was even before I felt these feelings. I was always this way with him, I just actually enjoyed doing it more after I had these feelings. I do need some hobbies. lol. I have a great group of friends. actually they used to be both mine and his friends, but as usual, all his friends end up not liking him over time because, well, hes an ass. Hes not a good friend. To anyone really. idk why I ever cared so much, but I do. I guess I just know him like no one else does. Jeremy has done a lot for me.. kind of. lol. Like he will pay for dinner some times, and at christmas he always bought me nice stuff. In the end run. Your right. If he can not accept this, then I am going to have to move on. It's been fun. See ya. Eaiser said than done i suppose. I think the hardest part is that we still talk every day, and I do not know what to do to stop that. Because a part of me wants to hold onto our friendship. Screw the feelings. I've always cared about him. And your right. I need to light a fire under his ass. Keep asking him for a certian period of time maybe. and if he still is all stupid about it, then maybe it's time I move on. Fact is your right. If he was ever mine, (friend or otherwise), if I let him go, he will come back. If not, then I'll know. I guess I've always bent over for him and my ass was always up. SO i guess it was a matter of time i got screwed. Thank you for your reply!!!! Jason
Try weaning yourself off from the texting. Just say that you need to take a break, or hold off from responding until just once a week or other long interval.
Hey J First off Welcome I just recently got over a str8 crush of mines and I gotta tell you its not the easiest thing to do especially a crush who is your best friend. I literally did everything possible to move on from mines. But I'm happy to say I've finally moved on and our friendship is great now. With that being said, if I can get over my crush whilst keeping the friendship, you can defiantly do the same thing So a little backstory so you can compare how similar our situations are My friend (lets call him "C") and I have been inseparable since we met. We literally talked every single day of our every waking day and we would see each other in and out of school on a daily basis. We partied together every weekend. We got to a point where people started noticing somethings off even his girlfriend. At one point in our friendship my feelings for him became unbearable and I told him about me not being str8 as an arrow and he was cool with it and a few weeks later I told him about me liking him. I never really got a yes or no answer from him. Which I was fine with and our friendship just kept going just fine.We would text and call and leave voicemails with each other just to tell each other what we are up to on a daily basis. Then one day out of no where our conversations started to wean off our texts started going from talking everyday through out the day to goodmorning and goodnight to just goodnight to a text every other day. So I started to notice all these things and decided I needed to cut him out of my life because I felt like I was being used and I felt I was being treated as what you would say a "part time" friend. I have never been a guy to express my feeling or just say what's up. I always just kept it to myself and moved on. Within my circle of friends I've always been labeled runaway_name. Where I would always runaway when things started to get heavy emotionally. So that's where our friendship was heading and I've tried to runaway and cut my ties with him on more then one occasion. However, since I had feelings for him it made it really hard. Which I know, you know how hard that is. I also really truly wanted to keep our friendship because first and foremost that's what I wanted. So that's the story and now back yours I agree with everyone here. Find things to keep your mind occupied. In the beginning it super hard, but with time it gets easier. BUT I disagree with everyone who said you need to separate yourself from him for awhile. Its much easier said then done, I know personally. plus if you stop contact with your friend he gonna start wondering why and what's going on. Put yourself in the other persons shoe. I'm sure you wouldn't want someone doing that to you, and if they did how would that make you feel?. I'm sure not good so you might as well be the reasonable person in the situation. Just keep talking to him as you would normally do. But with no expectations. Keyword is NO EXPECTATION With me and c, I went into it with a set of expectations, but once I got rid of the expectations everything was so much better. I gotta stop sorry my post is literally everywhere. But I sure hope you got the gist of what I'm trying to say. On a side note: your probably wondering how I got over C, I just went on one date with a great guy and things just snowballed from there. ---------- Post added 18th Apr 2014 at 01:56 AM ---------- Also me and C still talk at least once a day just to give each other a play by play of how our day went. If one don't answer it's an unwritten law between us two we leave a voicemail. But again if I can get over my crush while keeping our friendship open and communication open, you surely can also : ). It's just that you have to find that one thing that'll get you there. For me it was going on a date with someone really nice. Which also we still talk so he's not rebound. I hate that term. Oh and also I'm a big believer of karma. Just because he's a bad friend to you and other people. That doesn't mean you should do the same. Just be YOU!
I'm so sorry to hear all that, Jason. I know what it feels like honestly, when your best friend doesn't return those feelings. Unrequited love does suck, doesn't it? Anyways, it's frankly heart-wrenching what he did to you, honestly, it was quite mean to denounce you for all the stuff you really tried hard in. It's very hard for such strong friendships to break after so long and many years, it will hurt a lot. Not going to lie, it will hurt. But I've got a question-for the last six years, have you ever done something he doesn't like? Something that is totally you, and not tainted by "oh, he probably don't like me doing that, so I won't"? Because to me, it sounds like you've just tried to make his life better and not yours. You shouldn't be a bad person back to him because that would just be making you a him wouldn't you? Here's to all the best! ~viva la silva
@tacoma048 First off Thank you for your reply! Very insightful actually. I tend to ramble like that as well lol. I honestly do not know how I make it through life on a regular basis lol Now after reading what you have wrote, One of the things I just can not do, is quit talking to him. And to be honest, I WANT to agree with everyone. I want to not want to talk to him... I think that made sense. lol. But It's weird. Like, If I do not text him, he will text me. It's almost as, we have to still talk. idky. I have to completely agree with you about the expectation thing. Like, I really can not expect anything from him. I just can not. I would LIKE to think he would do things, or act a certain way considering all we have been through and all that I have done for him, but to be honest, I can not expect anything anything anymore, and I think that I did. I think that I expected maybe too much. Just because I was willing to do so much for him, should not have meant that I should have expected for him to do the same. The thing that I think i still struggle with is that whole part time friend thing. I don't like it. At all. I don't just want to talk because no one else is around to keep you entertained. But I want to talk because he genuinely wants to talk. But when I ask him about it, or asked I should say, he does not give me straight answers.. He has no problem telling me off. Cause he did it just fine. But I also do not think that he really wants me out of his life. But I am not a stand by friend. He just says shit like, "Were okay" and "Give me time to get over everything" (IE: me telling him i had feelings for him ). So idk. I think the whole paragraph was pointless. lol And as for Karma... He has bad Karma.. all the time. As a matter of fact. When he moved out, he moved out with his friend who lived here with us into his friends GF's house. He got kicked out 3 days later. And with that, he was no longer invited to the Coachella festival. I know that killed him. It was actually devastating to him. Now, the people that were a part of how he ended up feeling about me in the long run, are no longer his friends.. at all. Karma's a Bitch. But I wont be. I refuse to be that person. Thank you for your insight!! Jason ---------- Post added 18th Apr 2014 at 06:43 PM ---------- @bearseverywhere Hello there! I wanted to say thank you for the reply and to also answer a couple of your questions. No. I have always been myself. I talk to anyone and everyone. I will strike up a conversation with the old man at the corner store, or I will talk to the waitress like I have known her for years. He always hated that, but I did it anyway. There are a lot of things like that actually. I never "acted" a certain way toward him. I was me 100% minus acting out any "love" feelings for him. I did do everything I could do to make his life better. That is who I am by nature. I am a very caring, loving, nurturing person. But masculine actually lol. Like, if I didn't really tell you I'm gay, you probably wouldn't know. But I love to love others. With him I just loved him to more of an extent, because he was my best friend. Pretty Much my world actually. We just clicked as friends. I got him. He got me. I thought...
Hey J I know what you mean about not not being able to talk to him. There's always a balance to everything. Plus after six long years of friendship you both just can't walk away from that. I truly believe and hope you still talk to him. I've tried the whole not talking to C thing and yeah that didn't really go according to plan. He would text me, just like your friend. And after awhile of not talking to him and I would get called out on it. Tbh, I think your friend just needs time to digest the information and we have to just be patient about it. If you really think about it after six years of friendship and you find out your best friend likes you, I think that might just be a little to big of a pill to swallow ya know. I mean here you guys are just going about your daily life and then one day bam! Oh btw I have feelings for you. To some people it could come as a big shot. Or... He may be doing the things he's doing because he might be going through something's and taking it out on you. We all put on a mask for everyone to see once in a while. It could be and that's a big could be, that he might actually like you and doesn't know how to act on it or doesn't want to act on it, that's causing him to get frustrated and angry. But you could never know, until he tells you. Until then you should just keep doing what your doing. With the whole expectation thing. I think you should get into the mind set of no expecting anything from him, when you do things for him. I had to learn that myself and once I did it's the best thing in the world. At least when you go into something without any expectation, there wouldn't be any disappointments or let downs. The good thing is that your friend still wants to talk to you and you being the nice person that you are should continue talking to him. He is right though in time it will get better. You guys are just in this awkward place. Kudos to you! for not wanting to be that person! It takes a big man to stay nice to someone even after everything. Please make sure you keep us updated.
Hey Jason, Yes distancing sucks. The whole situation sucks! Why can't he be more compassionate? But unfortunately, it doesn't always work that way. Even today, at times I expect people to be more considerate but I realize that peoples expectations and reactions are not the same as mine. Doesn't stop me from hoping they'll be a certain way but again, doesn't bother me as much when they don't. Distancing yourself or weaning yourself is your choice. If you think cutting off all communication is the best way to go, do so. And if you think he'll be hurt by it, remind yourself how many times he's hurt you. Sure he may need a friend, but so do you. and he needs to realize that a friendship works both ways. If you think it's hard (it definitely is, I would be lying if I said I've never caved and texted or called someone I promised myself I wouldn't) then be cordial. "Hi, how are you?" "Oh ok, great; just checking in." Ok, I'll ttyl". And if he reaches out, then keep it short. Don't give him a chance to try and convince you to be at his every whim. You are a great guy. You're friendly and caring. Those qualities alone make you attractive to a lot of people. Find a group of friends who truly appreciate it. Now, you mention you have mutual friends. I suggest finding friends outside of that group. He may notice how "strange" you've been acting and reach out to mutual friends to convince you to talk to him. Besides, when you have your group of friends outside of his, it'll make him realize that you're able to have fun and be caring to others besides him. No need to cut them off though. Now that'll be mean! It's up to you. If you want to continue talking to him, be mindful of what you deserve and make it known to him. You mentioned you know him better than anyone else, can the same be said for him? Does he know what he does to you is hurtful? If he doesn't want to hang out, then don't mention it. but don't fill him in with every detail of your life. he doesn't deserve that. You shouldn't be a part time friend. You don't have to talk to him every time he reaches out. when you say you're sure he doesn't want you out of his life, you're in a way making excuses. When he tells you things like "we're okay" or "give me time", he's stringing you along. He sounds like this insecure person who doesn't know what he wants and wants to keep you around in case he loses all his friends because he knows you'll bend over backwards for him. Then again, Ive been told I'm a bit cold hearted so my no communication is a bit extreme. Don't beat yourself up over why you like him. The heart wants what it wants. we sometimes have no control over that. Tacomas right. If you want to continue talking to him, just have no expectations. I know this hurts and sucks and I hope things get better. Keep up updated. You've found a group of friends here on EC!(&&&) By the way here's my thread. Again I warn you, it's pretty long! http://emptyclosets.com/forum/family-friends-relationships/77248-he-gay.html
