1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Parents can't Accept I'm Gay, Among Other Issues

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by TheQuietTreader, Apr 17, 2014.

Thread Tools

Thread Tools

  1. TheQuietTreader

    TheQuietTreader Guest

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2012
    Messages:
    62
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Over the Rainbow
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Hello again, EC. It's been a while. I'll get right to business, I've come out to my parents, which probably wasn't the best idea in hindsight, but I just couldn't wait any longer. They've set up a meeting with my old youth pastor who I told was gay (again, not the best idea) to have a group discussion on Tuesday to me about sexuality and Christianity. I said to me for a reason, because I don't think I'm gonna really have any say in the conversation or effect on my parents rooted beliefs at all, and I don't really care what my ex youth pastor thinks of me. I've always respected my parents, and rarely argued or ignored them. They're good parents with good intentions, but they're of the baby boomer generation (yes my parents are abnormally old for my age) and are rooted to their narrow minded ways. Telling them that I don't want to have the meeting would be my first major act of rebellion and thinking about it makes me sick about what might happen, because they'd almost definitely still have the meeting. But the idea of the meeting makes me sick too. I feel like my emotions of being rejected and inadvertently diminished by my parents will come rushing out. My sexuality is my most sensitive aspect of me right now, and I don't know what I should do about this situation. What should I say at the meeting, and how should I mentally prepare for it? They're probably gonna annoy heck outta me, and ask many questions that'll make my stomach churn. Also, should I just ask them to call off the meeting before Tuesday?
     
    #1 TheQuietTreader, Apr 17, 2014
  2. Chip

    Chip
    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,560
    Likes Received:
    4,757
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    A lot has to do with the theological beliefs of your youth pastor. If he's a hellfire and brimstone type who thinks being gay is a choice, then it's going to be a complete waste of time. If he's accepting but believes gay people should be celibate, then, again, it's probably a waste of time. But if he's actually a genuinely nonjudgmental and kind person, then perhaps it could be OK.

    You might simply be completely open with your parents. Tell them that you are confident and comfortable about who you are, that you've known this forever and it isn't going to change, and it's a waste of time to go and see a pastor about it. It may not get you anywhere, but at least you'll have set the stage for them to start accepting who you are.

    Remember too the stages of loss (loss of perception that you're straight) that your parents are going through: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. So they're somewhere between denial and bargaining (not wanting to believe you're gay, or believing that if you are, you can change.) So this may simply be part of their process for coming to terms with the loss.

    If you do end up having the meeting, you can be polite and courteous and simply say as little as possible, and remember that, worst case, your parents and the pastor are attached to some outdated and factually incorrect beliefs that you are unlikely to have any influence in changing (at least in the short term.) So let them say/do/believe whatever they need to, and remember it's their beliefs, which are not rooted in fact, and don't let anything that goes on in that meeting rattle you.

    You might also want to watch the hour long Matthew Vines video on Youtube. Matthew is a sharp young Biblical scholar who many believe will turn the whole debate about gays and Christianity on its head. He's done extensive research and study of homosexuality and the Bible's view of it, and he pretty soundly shoots down the current judgmental beliefs. You can always suggest that your parents watch that.

    Finally, if your parents haven't seen "For The Bible Tells Me So" and "Prayers for Bobby", both movies are worth checking out, as they deal directly with the clash between being gay and Christian beliefs.

    You'll get through this, and your parents will eventually come around. You just have to give them time and do your best to be compassionate toward their lack of knowledge and understanding in this arena.
     
    #2 Chip, Apr 17, 2014
  3. PatrickUK

    PatrickUK
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2014
    Messages:
    6,943
    Likes Received:
    2,362
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    There are three possible responses when you talk to a Christian about being gay:

    1 - Complete acceptance, tolerance and love (exactly how a Christian should respond)
    2 - Indifference (you'll not be condemned, but there will be no offer of support either)
    3 - Pious hysteria (hellfire, brimstone and foreboding that comes from an entirely literal interpretation of The Bible).

    During the meeting you must be prepared to politely, but very firmly stand your ground against any negative assertions about homosexuality. If you are told that The Bible says homosexuality is wrong or a sin or that God disapproves of same sex relationships do not try to argue as it will get you nowhere - you cannot argue with people whose starting position is that The Bible is infalliable and inerrant, nothing will move them. Far better to not engage and simply say "I'm sorry, but I'm sure you are wrong and I will not change".

    Every argument that has been used by conservative Christians to condemn homosexuality and justify their outdated views has been destroyed by eminent theologians with years of study and research. The nine most commonly quoted Biblical passages are taken well out of context and original meaning to support their narrow mindsets.

    Don't be fooled. Stay strong and let us know how it goes.
     
    #3 PatrickUK, Apr 18, 2014
  4. IG88

    IG88
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2013
    Messages:
    399
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    USA
    Maybe you should go to the meeting anyway...if you don't then your parents will probably bring it up that you never made any attempt to get rid of your same sex feelings, or something like that. Anyway, going to the meeting will show that you are willing to discuss things, but like you said it may be one sided.

    I don't know what exactly your church's beliefs are, but these will probably come up in conversation:

    1. "Being gay is a sin." Actually, even though a few versions of the Bible list homosexuals as a vice, many others say practicing homosexuals, to better distinguish it from people who are gay, to people who are gay and have sex. It's also important to note that your definition of gay may differ from their definition of gay. For me, being gay simply means having attractions to the same sex, and being straight means having attractions to the opposite sex. You could be celibate all of your life and still know which sex you like. So, if you could convince them that being a celibate gay is not a sin, then that's a small victory and a step in the right direction, I wouldn't expect them to be really accepting at first.

    2. "Being gay is unnatural." If God didn't want you to be gay, then why did he make it your natural inclination to be attracted to other guys? There are lots of reasons why appealing to nature is not going to win an argument, just google nature fallacy and see the many different examples there are. For example, if being gay wasn't natural, then why do at least 1500 species show homosexual behavior?

    I really hope that the meeting goes well, and if not then just grin and bear it for your parents' sake. If they seem hard headed, then don't bother getting into a big theological debate with them.
     
    #4 IG88, Apr 18, 2014
  5. Chip

    Chip
    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,560
    Likes Received:
    4,757
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Making people wrong -- even when they are -- isn't going to get you anywhere. If you get the 'bible is infallible' line ratter than saying 'you are wrong' you will foster much greater empathy and open communications by taking an approach something like 'I come rely understand and respect your opinions, knowledge, and beliefs. I don't, however, share them. I respect your views and I would appreciate it if you'd extend the same courtesy to me. "
     
    #5 Chip, Apr 18, 2014
  6. Friendly Lion

    Friendly Lion
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 1, 2014
    Messages:
    79
    Likes Received:
    0
    Dude, I'm going through the same thing. My folks are crazy religious. When I came out to my parents, they took away my phone for two months so I couldn't talk to any of my queer friends. They also sent me to see a Christian therapist thing, so I know the feel.

    Only advice I can give is to know where you stand. Hold firm to who you are and be strong. I don't know if you want to go to this meeting or not but, if you truly don't, you need to tell your parents that. Don't let them push you to do what makes you uncomfortable. You don't have to defy them, but you do have to speak up.

    Even if you go to the meeting, make sure you're heard. Be nice about it, but make it clear that you're not broken and aren't planning on changing.

    Best of luck to you!
     
    #6 Friendly Lion, Apr 18, 2014
  7. TheQuietTreader

    TheQuietTreader Guest

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2012
    Messages:
    62
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Over the Rainbow
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I decided to go through with the meeting and it went well (for the situation). My parents are kind of at a point where they wish I was not gay, but if I really "feel inclined to be that way", then they'll still support me. My youth pastor was actually pretty supportive, considering his background and all, he said that it's possible to be loved by God and be gay and celibate. Of course, I'm obviously don't have these same views, but it still went over pretty easy and all. I feel like a bit of tension has been relieved in my relationship with my parents.
     
    #7 TheQuietTreader, Apr 23, 2014
  8. IG88

    IG88
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2013
    Messages:
    399
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    USA
    There were many ways that meeting could've have turned out, but this was actually a step in the right direction. I'm glad everyone was understanding (for the most part)!! :eusa_clap
     
    #8 IG88, May 16, 2014
  9. Icy

    Icy
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 16, 2014
    Messages:
    46
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Yayyy
     
    #9 Icy, May 16, 2014
  10. KyleD

    KyleD
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,094
    Likes Received:
    25
    Location:
    Spain
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Family only
    I'm so glad it went well! This is a step in the right direction. (!)
     
    #10 KyleD, May 16, 2014
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)