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I'm in love and need advice

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by JimmyB, Apr 18, 2014.

  1. JimmyB

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    Hi everyone,

    First of all please excuse my writing. English is not my native language and to make it worse, im a little bit nervous right now.

    I'm an 18 year old gay man from mid Europe with a crush on my best (and only) friend, lets call him Max.
    I've known him for about 7 years now because we were going to class together. For several years I have suffered from depression, so i spend my whole free time in front of my computer. I've lost most of my friends but i kept contact to Max and we met every now and then to play video games together. About 2 years ago I realised that I was gay and that I had a crush on him, even though I haven’t told anyone yet. Last year I dropped out of school, because I couldn’t take the teachers pressure much longer. After that, I had a lot of free time, no more suicidal thoughts and my life started to get better and better. In the first month I used to chat, skype or even meet with him occasionally.
    In April 2013 I was home alone and invited him for a sleepover. When he finally arrived after midnight, we ate pizza while watching TV.

    Now to the interesting part.

    After that, it was just after 1 a.m., we decided to play pc games which led to watching straight porn, over to gay porn and then to him asking me to suck each others dicks. I couldn’t say no that. The situation afterwards was a little awkward so we decided to go to sleep. He seemed to have fallen asleep right away but I lay awake for a long time thinking about what just happened.

    I knew he recently broke up with the girlfriend he had for more than 2 years, so I thought he just felt a little bit lonely, because im not half has handsome as he is. still the same thing happened a few months later, when I slept at his place.

    About him:
    He is muscular, does a lot of sports and has a lot of friend. I, however, am shorter than him, have few social contacts and I am, because I just sit in front of the computer, very untrained.

    Now he has a new girlfriend :bang: but still I feel like I want to tell him all about it, but I don’t know how he is going to react and I also don’t want to lose our friendship since he’s my only friend.

    Any advice from you out there?

    Many thanks in advance.
     
  2. resu

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    Well, he doesn't sound completely straight. Have you come out to him?
     
  3. JimmyB

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    Not yet. I feel like i should but im not really sure about it, because i dont want to lose him as a friend. also im afraid of his reaction.
     
  4. resu

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    People aren't born homophobic. If you have been friends for 7 years, then it's likely your friendship will survive you coming out. Besides, can you really call him your friend if you are afraid to share something that is a big part of your identity? But, really the main reason for coming out is to give a signal to him that you're interested in having a relationship with a man, more than just "friends with benefits."
     
  5. WhiteShadows

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    Agreed with resu.
    Unfortunately, he'll probably brush it off as a meaningless experiment... But you should probably come out to him / tell him about how you felt.

    PS: Your english is very very good :slight_smile:
     
  6. JimmyB

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    Thanks. :slight_smile: Another problem is, that we only meet like every 4th month because he never has time. and when he has time, his or my parents are around and i dont want them to get involved.
    Last night we spend 4 hours skyping and playing videogames and I just couldnt ask him any question because i totally forgot and now im sure i wont hear anything of him for several weeks.
    goddamned, why does this have to be so hard!? :bang: (Thats what she said :lol:slight_smile:
     
  7. JimmyB

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    Update

    So, last Weekend he called at night, asking if i wanted to sllep over at his place.

    I immediately agreed and nervously packed some things together and rode straight to him.
    I took my PS3 with me so we could play a little, but i forgot a special cable so we watched movies instead.

    He asked me if it was ok if we stood up all night and i was totally fine with it, but at around 3 a.m. he kept aking if i wanted to go to sleep. I wasn't tired so i said no.

    in the morning he decided to go shopping for some groceries and we had a little smalltalk, where i found out that he's still in a happy relationship with his girlfriend.
    At this point I gave up the idea of telling him about my feeling for him.
    Then he dropped me off at my place, where i took the missing cable.
    We went home to his place and spent the rest of the day playing koop missions on my ps3 and we had alot of fun.


    Now its one week later and weve been playing online and skyping alot, which is fun but today i got the crazy idea of sending emails via a secret email adress.

    Not half an hour later, we started skyping and playing again and mid-playing he told me about an email he got and that he thinks that its just a prank by one of his coworkers.
    I was reall really nervous trying not to be obvious and i wasnt (at least i dont think so) but I think he thought it was me but he didnt mentioned it.

    Now my question to you: Was that a good, bad or plain crazy idea with the secret email thing?
     
  8. user123456

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    Wait what e-mail? Did you e-mail him telling him you love him anonymously?

    Anyway, if I was you I would tell him. Seems like we all go through a situation like this, I am facing it right now, and I just have to tell my friend, because thanks to this, our friendship is not honest anymore, and a friendship that is not honest is not worth keeping up.

    Your friend seems to be ok with gays, so he will definitely not hate you for this, and since you don't see each other very much anyway, you won't have to face the awkward period of seeing each other after your confession all the time. TBH he doesn't sound gay, but you never know he might be secretly into you :slight_smile: what I wanted to say is, you have nothing to lose!

    PS: Your english is great, but just want to tell you, the area is called "Central Europe" not "Middle Europe" :slight_smile: may I ask where exactly are you from?
     
    #8 user123456, Aug 9, 2014
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2014
  9. resu

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    I think it's better to come out to him first. Don't assume he understands the email came from you; if he's straight, he could think it's a girl. I agree that he doesn't sound gay/bi, at least from your description.
     
  10. JimmyB

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    No, I just started softly by telling him that I like his poems, because he sometimes uploads his poems to a website.
    And I'm from Germany.

    No, my Email address clearly states that its a male.
     
  11. JimmyB

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    On Razors Edge

    Okay,

    Big Update!

    I've told you that I started to write him e-mails via a secret account.
    At first I thought that it was just a stupid idea, but he kept writing back, so i thougt i might use this to get to know him better and how he might react if i really told him in person.

    Now I believe that i pushed myself into a situation where I really want to tell him, because he said that he doesnt want to write me back unless i tellhim my real name.

    But I may have lied about my situation. I told him I have a girlfriend and just started to have feelings for other men and I only know him from seeing him on the train after school.

    I fear that i f I tell him now, this whole story is going to backfire on me and wil destroy everything.
    I can't stop thinking about him. I can't sleep, Ican't eat, I can't enjoy anything

    Please help. :help: I dont know what to do right now!
     
  12. user123456

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    I personally think the anonymous mail were a bad idea, it feels like hiring a spy on him or something. It's an abuse of the anonymity of the internet. You pretended to be someone you aren't and broke into his privacy. If a friend did that to me, I would feel pretty upset.

    If you tell him, definitely apologise to him for the e-mails. Explain that you were scared of losing him by coming out with the truth. If you are completely honest about everything when you tell him, I think he will be accepting :slight_smile: just don't carry on with anymore lies. That's just not fair!

    Also, you say you are scared of telling him now. The point is, you will always be scared of it. The sooner you tell him, the sooner this uncertainty and feeling of helplessness will end. Trust me, I went through the same the past few months. Waiting, in most cases, doesn't help anything. Just pick up the courage and let him know.

    Remember to apologise to him about the e-mails! OFC this is my personal opinion and you should wait for what others have to say about this.
     
  13. JimmyB

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    You are right, I should tell him asap.
    Today, I felt so down that I almost called him, but I had no service and didn't try it again later.

    The whole point of this email thing was to find out how he might react, if I approached him, but I couldn't figure it out.
    When we are together, we barely talk about personal stuff and the topic of 'homosexuality' never came up, so I don't know his opinion about that.

    He is just so hard to read. I mean last year we blew eachother, never talked about it and this year he didn't even try to do something like that at all.

    I know that waiting will make it worse, but you have to understand that he is my ONLY friend. I don't have any other friends, I don't like to go out so I've never met any new people anywhere else than at school, which I left last year.
    I don't know if he would understand and I don't want to lose him. Even if that means I have to hide forever.
     
  14. user123456

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    I understand the fear of losing him. But I think that after some time, you would realize you can't hide it from him. Actually, I think your current depression is proof of it. It's probably not getting any better unless you tell him. I know it sucks, but your friendship will never be the same anymore, no matter how hard you try. You can wait, and slowly be eaten from inside by your thoughts. Or you can tell him - and either become his boyfriend, remain his friend if he accepts you but doesn't like you back - or, in the worst case, he will not be able to take it. But at least you can move on in your life.

    Well, that's my point of view at least - I went through the same thing and I just knew I couldn't hide it anymore.
     
  15. JimmyB

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    Ok, I'm going to have an interview for an apprenticeship in the next few weeks and if i get it, i will start on 1st of september.
    I'm definetely going to tell him as soon as i get the confirmation.