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Doing My Best to Muddle Through

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by KingLear, Apr 20, 2014.

  1. KingLear

    KingLear Guest

    I suppose I should start with an introduction. I'm 17, a senior in a high school where I'm generally well respected as the one really sarcastic guy that everyone terms "their favorite asshole," and I have myriad acquaintances but only three friends (twin brothers and the girlfriend of one of them). For conveniency I'll call them Scott, Connor and Elly (Connor and Elly are together).
    My parents are highly career-driven; my mom a high-ranking executive in the police department, my dad simply because he prefers miring his problems in work rather than liquor. They were never really home and didn't trust nannies, so I spent 3-4 days of the week with my mom's alcoholic parents and 1-2 with my dad's and the rest at home with my parents. I have one brother who's 18 years older than me, and though he's a really incredible person, we don't mesh well. I don't connect with any of my family, frankly. They're all either hyper-conservative right-wing bigoted bible-thumpers or radical leftists. Being that I hate overzealousness, I really don't like being around any of them. I could probably benefit the most from my brother, who is openly gay and a published author and successful entrepreneur, being that I'm passionate about literature and have no distinct standing on my sexuality and could use his advice. But as I said...he and I don't get on so great.
    Well, I've always loved Scott and Connor, thinking of them as the brothers I had always yearned for. But my friendship with Scott really bloomed in fourth grade when I lost all of my grandparents and an uncle for whom I had a lot of respect in just under 15 months. Everything just went out the window and I was really lost and terrified. Every few months I was a pallbearer for someone I loved and it was difficult. He sat with me every single day for months, always putting his arm around my shoulders telling me he wanted me to be ok. I knew he was really precious to me and the most important person in my life then and he started telling everyone I was his and Connor's little brother. He became instrumental in helping me overcome obstacles in my life and I was there to love and care for him when his dad fought multiple bouts with cancer (even up to this week, he was diagnosed with cancer in his spine that they can't get to...so we don't know what's gong to happen). Last year I saw a serious car accident and helped lift the car off a 3 year old girl who died a minute later as I watched, trying to see how I could help. He helped me through that. I called 911 at work for a lady who was having a heart attack, and he helped me after that. I feel like we've really been through the ringer together.
    Well suddenly last year after that car accident, I started considering if my feelings for him weren't more complex than I had always thought. We've always said "I love you" and meant it, but it was somehow different now. The last few years we've been through so much and it's like we became friends all over again, really cultivating the special things about our relationship. He told me I'm the most important person in his life, that he would rather talk to me than anyone else every day, that he needs me in his life and how I'm even closer to him in a lot of ways than Connor is. I started to have all these really intense feelings and of course reciprocated without question. But I also can't stop thinking about him; how much I love him. I can't get him out of my mind or stop looking at him.
    I sometimes find myself just staring at him and drinking him in. I feel like I look at his eyes more than I look at anything else, and they burn so brightly with this awesome emerald fire to them. I love to listen to him talk, it's...oddly exhilarating. I notice things about him physically and, so much more importantly, emotionally that I never paid any mind before. I fell in love with everything about him, but more than that I fell in love with him. We connect on an emotional and intellectual level that I can't describe effectively.
    I share more weird twin mind-link things and inside jokes with him than Connor does, which we all joke about haha. We consistently make one another laugh so hard we cry, and we always have so much fun, even when things are looking really dark and heavy. He's the only person I've ever known to cheer me up when I hit my low points.
    He's always been big on physical affection with Connor and Elly and I, even though I have really weird boundary issues that he tries to respect when he remembers. All three of them play with my hair (it's a little long because I hate going to get my hair cut, but it's not past where my chin is) and they tell me it's soft, but he plays with my fingers and hands if I let him. He likes to crack my knuckles one-by-one for me, and he always leans on me or right up against me and occasionally falls asleep on me and I love him for it all and more. He and Connor are both girl-magnets and get a really stupid amount of attention which I always envied (I've been hit on a few times, but not like them) but oddly I don't find Connor attractive. Handsome, sure, but I wouldn't say I'm attracted to him.
    At any rate, Scott's as in love with his brother's girlfriend as I am with him, and I understand that and I won't every try to change him. It's just new and confusing and painful for me, and for him to feel how he does about her, I know, hurts him deeply. We've talked about it at great length more times than I can count, which is never fun, but I want to help him feel better, so I always listen. I suppose I'm just having a hard time understanding and accepting everything and trying to keep calm about it all.
    Sorry for the text wall, I just needed to vent. Don't want to have that conversation with him and definitely not my crazy ass jesus freak family.
     
  2. Kabuki

    Full Member

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    Aww, it's friendship like this that should last forever :slight_smile:

    Let me try and understand this a bit, you and Scott are very close, right? You are very open to each other, you love him and he loves you back. You might feel something more than just love towards him, which is why you're posting, because you're confused.

    Scott on the other hand, if what I read was not wrongly interpreted, haves feelings towards his brothers girlfriend, right? So, we have you, confused as to what you feel about him, and him crushing on his brothers girlfriend.

    Why are you questioning your feeling towards him? Could it be that you have developed a platonic love towards him? Do you wish to be his love interest if he's feelings for you are the same to the ones he feels towards Elly?

    I think you should study yourself, answer some questions like the ones I asked you and see what you find. Have you loved a girl before? Is this the first time you felt this way towards another guy? etc.

    I hope this can help you in some way (*hug*)
     
  3. KingLear

    KingLear Guest

    Thank you for your response, Kabuki, it's much appreciated. You understood correctly, and yeah if he thought at all the same about me there'd be no argument, I'd be his completely if he ever wanted me. I have had quite a few girls I've been interested in, but never like this with Scott. He's the first guy I've ever had feelings like this for. I don't know why I started feeling this way about him but I've had about two years now to wrestle with the fact that I'm, in all likeliness, in love with him. It feels like I've got nowhere to turn and nothing to gain regardless of how I handle it.
    Yes, we love each other deeply, but I know exactly what our relationship is to him. I might as well be a third twin, but I don't feel that about him. I love him the way you love your soulmate. He's that person I could spend my life with. We've been together for 13 as "brothers," but I want nothing more than him for the rest of it all. Thanks again for the reply, Kabuki. Btw, I like your name; Kabuki masks are really cool.