A private person question?????????????????

Okay I will never understand the human race or myself. Many people say that I am a very private person. Someone from work even said, "You are a private person who is not willing to tell anyone your life secrets." I just responded by great job, its true. It really is true. I think the issue I have is I don't know what people mean by this. For example, what do they want to know about me that they think I am hiding. I don't understand what people want to know about me. I am rather naive when it comes to friendships so any help would greatly be appreciated. In addition, I don't know how much to tell someone. It just seems odd to me and I have explained this to my doctor and will be talking to my counselor about this too because I get confused when people say this. I also don't know what I am doing wrong or what I should be doing.

I think I do know why I don't disclose some information like I like girls and such, but that's just because I am scared. I also feel that when someone has that information they may use it against me some how. Overall, it makes me very vulnerable and to be honest the more someone knows about me the more I push them away. I had one person who dug for every answer and treated me like crap. I don't know if this is why I do this more now then I did prior to knowing this person, but when this person was in my life I went downhill because all she ever did was nag me. I understand people would like to get to know others, but this girl analyzed every single thing about me which drove me mad and such.

I am sorry it is long. I am just trying to describe everything I feel. Should I explain to the person (who mentioned I was a private person) that it isn't them, but rather I have been hurt in the past and right now it is taking me time to learn how to interact with people better? I feel so naïve, but I am just looking for answers. Thank you to all who respond????

 

Thank you for all posting. I spoke to her regarding what she was looking for and she said that she wants to know what I am willing to tell her. To be honest, I am on the fence on whether or not to tell her anything. I understand I don't owe it to her, but its strange because I seem to always have people who want to know everything about me. Is it because I am private and don't need the whole world know about my life? I feel like I attract people like this and well I see it as negative because firstly, I don't know what they want. The person who is asking me questions now told me she just wanted to know things that I wanted to talk about. She did explain a bit of who she was, and mentioned that she didn't need to known all my dark secrets, but rather just the occasional talks like people have. For example, she said, "Like you saying, hey I like so and so." She said she just hopes I can trust her, but my trust level right now sucks with some people. Firstly, I don't like anyone at the moment and even if I did I wouldn't even tell my own family lol because I am that private- except I once told my mother out of the blue. Also, even if I did like someone I couldn't say anything because most people don't realize I like girls so....

Overall, I have friends and we usually don't talk about deep stuff which I am happy with. We all just go out have fun and enjoy one another's company. Secondly, though people even my counselor has mentioned that I do have a wall up with people. I understand that its a defense mechanism, but its also because I just don't want people knowing much about me. I tried opening up to one person and bam, after awhile I grew tired because they just over analyzed every single thing I said or did. Or they would treat me like I am some naïve person, when really I just don't like the attention on me. In addition the person before would treat me like I was her patient (she doesn't even have a college degree or experience in counseling so). For example, she asked me what prescriptions I was on and that she needed to know blah blah blah. It was a hell of a weird person to have in my life- she is no longer in my life thank god. The thing is I see qualities from the person in my past to the person I know now. It is odd because I have to keep reminding myself they aren't the same, yet they both love to over analyze and such. I am really looking forward to talking to my counselor because I am confused about how the whole friendship crap goes. Its odd because when people start talking about deep stuff I get lost lol. I just want to have fun and not worry about someone trying to figure who I am and such. Sorry I babbled.

 

Well she has a boyfriend so nope. lol. Its funny she said that for some reason with me she talks about psychological things meaning she analyzes more or maybe finds things out about herself more through me-not sure how to explain what she meant. Not sure how I have this affect on people lol. I think I am just a little eerie because I just see disaster happening if I befriend her, same way I felt with another girl I knew. I don't know if this is just me trying to protect myself from getting hurt again or what. I just feel scared which I guess can play a part in the sense that I do suffer with anxiety and such. This sucks. I haven't even tried talking to her again whether it be text or whatever just because I have no clue what to say. There is no damn way I want to care for her either because every darn time I care about someone I get very very distant with them and I think this is another reason why I am keeping myself away for a bit.

 

My body and mind goes crazy. I think in a way I am afraid of the feelings that go along with caring about someone. I have cared so much about people who then let me down-my father, my outside family whom doesn't even talk to me, friends etc. Every time I have let someone in they have left or let me down. Example, my father he was an alcoholic and always let me down, he was also abusive , but I still feel he was so screwed from his own childhood he wouldn't seek help for himself so that he could be a better father. I was the idiot child who waited every single day for him to show up and he never did. Then one day it stopped. To date I haven't seen or talked to him for about 10 years. Lets see, then there is my outside family who disowned us when my sister was ill as well as saw my mom as weak because she was in an abusive relationship with my father and lastly saw me as an evil child(not because I like girls, they don't know). I have spoken to my counselor about these issues. It was odd because she made me realize that I have a love and hate relationship with people who I grow fond of. I think the hate side just doesn't want to get close so I can't get hurt. I described it to her in a way that I am in a battle inside my head. I can honestly say one day I was like wow I think I care for this person and another side told me don't you dare show her your emotions because then she has control of you.

I explained to my counselor that there is no way I could be with this person because she has a boyfriend, but my counselor said well why not just be friends with her, you can like her and be friends with her still. She then asked me if I would ever tell her my feelings and I said hell no. I think the reason why I wouldn't mention it is because I am afraid of the unknown. I know she wouldn't have the same feelings, but it is a double whammy lol. I hate rejection with anyone for that matter, but I also don't like people reciprocating the feelings... Like I said, girl is in a relationship, but of course my counselor is like well be friends.

I can say I did contact that person and just explained to them my plans for the future and such and what type of music I like, but not sure that was what she wanted. she texted back saying that was cool and then I commented back and then there was no response.

I don't even know why I just typed all this information about myself, I guess talking to strangers is easier.