I'm sorry to put yet another one of these threads up but it's slowly but surely massively messing my head up. What should I do? Me and my best friend are very, very close. My friendship with him means a huge lot to me. We spend huge amounts of time together and sleep in the same bed together. Our friendship has been going on very intensively for 3 years (we're 18 now). About 6 months ago, we were out in a club and he basically asked me if I would consider him and told me this stuff about his feelings for me and how one of our friends who he had discussed it with a week before had told him to go for it. Anyway, we get off and he spends the whole night going on about how good of a kisser I am. Later that night, although we had originally agreed to sleep in the same bed he basically goes off and sleeps in my friends' bed. For the next few months, he pretended this never really happened and our relationship was pretty awkward. Eventually, I made him talk about it and he basically said he supresses any feelings he gets for me for the sake of our friendship, although he agreed with me when I said that was harder since we got off. Since that first night, our relationship has definitely got more awkward. We still sleep in the same bed together but sometimes when we have got really drunk he has like mounted me, had me mount him (neither of these literally, clothed obviously), touched me downstairs etc. Also- and this is really pretty weird- whenever we in are group situations we basically insult each other the whole time. We have even discussed how we do this but even when a conscious effort is made we can't help being insulting to one another. We obviously don't actually hate/dislike each other so what makes us do this? I should also explain that when he was younger, he did things with guys. He has had a long term girlfriend recently (not together currently) but has been sort of seeing some girls (but nothing serious). He has told me he is bisexual and when we got off he said he "would always go gay for the right guy". My feelings for him are very weird. My love for him is almost completely plutotonic but apparently recently in my sleep I tried to grab him inappropriately. I have never found such a similar person to myself and the idea of not being best friends with him breaks my heart. I have avoided discussing it too much with him for the simple reason that I really don't want to jeopardize our friendship and I can't really see a good outcome to this in the long term.
It sounds like you two need to have a serious talk about your feelings toward each other, each of you being as honest as possible, in as gentle a way as you can be. What each other's wishes are for your future relationship - whether that be friendship, or something more. Another issue: Sex will always complicate things. It will form a bond that is meant to be like a glue - not easily un-stuck from. (Whether you consider "getting off" to be sex or not, when it's done with another person, it falls under the rubric. It was.) I think you're both acting the way you are around each other because there is obviously tension between you now - my guess is, most likely from unresolved feelings that you're both not discussing - and you both made a move, physically, that was ahead of your ability to honestly talk about your full feelings for each other. Does that make any sense? So things will be awkward until you can say with your mouths and reveal to each other with your feelings, what you have said to each other over and over with your close friendship, and your companionship - and now finally with your bodies. Ask him for a talk, try to catch him in a relaxed mood, and risk telling him how you feel.
Thanks a lot for your response. I guess my main fear would be being rejected and then that harming our friendship. If there were feelings from his side why has nothing very significant happened since? Some nights I am convinced by his actions that there are. I just don't understand how we could have a really good night together and both admit loving it and then nothing since. Strange. I should also add that, however pathetic this might seem, when we eventually spoke about that one night it was over text seeing as we are both awful talking about things one-to-one unless drunk.
(*hug*) It is very plain from where I stand, hun, that *he* is afraid of rejection by *you*. After all, he was the one that made the first move, making his hopes clear. Have you given him anything reciprocal to that? Especially, verbally? -like he did?
No, perhaps I haven't directly said anything verbally but I feel like I've sort of made myself clear. I got 'physically excited' one time when we were on a sofa together (he noticed) and it was pretty awkward for a while after that. It was also me that many times tried to talk about what had happened but he refused to for a very long time. :tears: When we sleep in the same bed apparently I'm constantly doing things like trying to spoon him and he always throws me off and elbows me and complains to me the next day- to me that doesn't seem like the actions of someone who has feelings for me? The strange thing is, though, he can't hate it as much as he claims to because he does still always end up back in my bed...
He told you about his feelings, and then you guys fool around, then he says he tries to suppress these feelings for the sake of your friendship. So I see things like all paths does - he's afraid of a bad reaction from you, so he treads very carefully and is afraid to bring it up as it will change things (for the worse he thinks). And it sounds like you've never said anything. Does he even know you are bi, much less that you love him? I really think the ball is in your court here - tell him you are messed up about your feelings and you REALLY need to talk.
Thanks for the response and in answer, he completely knows about my sexuality. I should also add that I have been much more open in my interest of guys amongst all of my friends whereas he only told me about these previous guys one time, and he did things with them before I even knew him. They were also his best friends at the time. In the time that I have known him everything serious that has happened has been between him and a girl. In light of very recent events e.g the sleep grabbing type stuff I actually think he is probably beginning to think that I love him. The fact that we are so mean to each other in group situations is what really confuses me. He's even told me once he 'hates' me and he doesn't know why. He obviously doesn't literally HATE me as we spend so much time together. The weird thing is I kind of get the same sort of feeling towards him. Perhaps it's some sort of I hate you because I love you thing. I don't know.
I think you do know... Why else would your thread title say "I love my bisexual best friend"? I guess the real question is why do you think there would be a good outcome in the long term? Is it really so bad to verbally say you have feelings for him?
