Is the idea of "stop actively searching for a relationship" really the only choice

Re: Is the idea of "stop actively searching for a relationship" really the only choic

Well think of it likes this.

I work in someones home looking after children. My hobbies keep me in my home or I practice them alone usually. I don't like parties and all my friends live miles away.

If I sat and waited for the right person to come along, I could wait forever and never meet another person.

Hell outside of school I don't think I've EVER spoken to a stranger, so it's just unlikely it would ever happen.

It's decent advice IF you come across a lot of people and find other people easy to talk to. If you don't then not so much.

Just do what works for you!

Oh and by the way, I tend to find that when people offer that advice what they MEAN is don't just date anyone who shows interest, because you shouldn't have to settle.

 

Re: Is the idea of "stop actively searching for a relationship" really the only choic

No, I don't think that's a good advice at all. Taking an active role in your life and going for things is what I believe in. All my relationships have been results of me looking for them. One time it happened that I accidentally came across a woman I fell for and she liked me as well, but - we didn't get past the first date, it didn't work out. If I was waiting for things to happen to me, I'd have been single for my whole life.

 

Re: Is the idea of "stop actively searching for a relationship" really the only choic

Second!

 

Re: Is the idea of "stop actively searching for a relationship" really the only choic

It depends on what you call "actively".

I've often seen people interpret it in the worst possible light, where it means "desperately". And being desperate is always a bad thing. It often leads to people dividing the entire rest of the human race in two categories, labeled: "would date this person" and "would not date this person".

Even worse: often "would not date" then strays further into "waste of my time!". And "would date" then strays into "Pursue at all possible costs". I know a few people who, quite literally, look at any new guy that passes by and ask themselves with almost religious reverence: "Could He be the One?"

And, unsurprisingly, it leads to bad experiences. To ignoring people because "they aren't my type". Or to dating people just because they're gay, single, and local.
A relationship becomes this mythical goal to solve all of your woes, forever (which no relationship, or no person, can ever do). If you're looking for a personal Messiah, any guy is going to fall short.

And, even if it leads to lots of dates, an obsessed and desperate person is not always the best of company, so building a relationship out of those dates is hard.



HOWEVER: there's another side to the medal. This involves the better side of "active"

In the best of interpretations, it means "Hey, I'll go out and kick ass and if an opportunity comes along for a relationship, I'm totally going for it!".
If you'll forgive me the self-help-handbook cliché: it means "saying yes to life"

It means actively putting yourself in situations where meeting people is a likely outcome. But also: where you meet these people and form an opinion on their own merits. Most of them will always remain passers-by, some will become good acquaintances, a few will become treasured friends, and a very select few will be date material.

And sure, sometimes you'll be perfectly outgoing and out to have fun and meet people, and no one comes along. But that isn't in any way a failure. Just an opportunity that didn't materialise, but there's more where that came from. Just try again, or try in another place.

And when someone does come along, then there's nothing wrong with totally going for it! But this way you're doing it because it's an awesome person, not because you had a relationship-shaped hole that you were desperate to fill.



So tldr; Nothing wrong with being active. Don't sit inside and let the world pass you by! Try to meet new people and try new things! Just don't do it because of desperation!

 

Re: Is the idea of "stop actively searching for a relationship" really the only choic

I can say that it is true. Or at least this is true: a spontanious relationship is and will be more amazing than a forced hookup.

This past weekend I experienced it for the first time. I was introduced, kinda out of the blue to a guy via a straight friend of mine after I broke the "news" to him (that I am gay). And from that first few seconds there was a great spark between us. Its magical and spontanious. Its not forced or veiled in the deceitful information usualy listed on dating sites. We got to know eachother from the get-go, face to face by actually talking to eachother. And it just bloomed from there on.

So here is a bit of advice. Hang in there and keep your chin up. Keep your heart open and rid yourself of any piece of desperate intentions to find companionship. And who knows what will happen. I always kicked against the idea but later I actually gave in and gave up and heaven smiled upon me.

---------- Post added 22nd Apr 2014 at 01:50 PM ----------

Ohh yes. That is vital. But never try and force a situation by form of wishful thinking or stupid moves.

 

Re: Is the idea of "stop actively searching for a relationship" really the only choic

"Not looking" for a relationship doesn't mean not doing anything that could LEAD to one. Be yourself, keep yourself out there doing things you enjoy that involve other people. Think of the kind of person you would like to meet, and hang out where you think someone with those qualities might also hang out.

I think what people mean by "not looking" was mentioned above --don't go desperately seeking someone to fill the void. People do pick up on that, and it can scare them off! Be comfortable with yourself first. And don't look at every potential friendship with the hope that this might be "the one". Enjoy the friendships you make, and you could be very surprised by where they lead. My special relationship showed up at a ridiculously unexpected time for both of us, after we had both decided independently of one another that we would probably NOT ever have a relationship. But it happened in a very open environment where we had the opportunity to get to know each other without any pressure or expectations, and we ended up crushing on each other before we knew what hit us.

Be who you are, be open and accepting to the unexpected, and don't be a hermit. "Not looking" doesn't really mean don't look at all, just don't make it your life's work! If you put too much effort into searching for someone, you might overlook the person who's searching for YOU.