Talking to my mum about things

I know how you feel. It's been a whirlwind week for you and your mom. It's hard enough when your coming-out is planned; it's even harder when you're sort of forced out of the closet.

I think just letting her know that you want to keep the lines of communication open is a good thing. Something simple like "Hey I know my coming out has been a shock to you and it's a lot for you to process. If there's anything you're concerned or worried about, let me know and we can talk about it. And I hope I can turn to you if there's something that I'm concerned or worried about too." Be prepared for her to ask stupid questions, and be patient with her if and when that happens. You can also print out some resources from PFLAG and just leave them in a place where she'll see them, or you can email them to her. I did that.

As for the school thing, if you think things are going to be ok, let her know why. Identify some resources at the school and people you know who will support you and help you.

You also mentioned in another thread that she wants you to see a therapist. I think that's a really good idea. You've been on an emotional roller coaster and it's good to have a time to just sit down and talk through everything.

I hope this helps!

 

if the idea of talking to her is difficult you could consider writing to her - even if to let her know you are thinking a lot under the surface - Maybe a note a bit like your post above, and saying you'd like to talk.

She could be a real help in the long run and the silence right now is possibly not the best arrangement. Particularly when such important issues as changing schools, seeing therapist etc are on the agenda.

 

The email suggestion is really good. Don't delete it, send it. I know it would probably mortify you - but I think if your mum read what you've been writing on here, she would be pretty proud of you. Concerned, but proud. You express yourself really well and show a lot of emotional intelligence. If you open up to her about this stuff, she's more likely to treat you as an adult - and trust your judgement a bit more.

Don't doubt yourself - you come across as incredibly coherent, remarkably so considering the very difficult situation you find yourself in. Cliched as it sounds, it does get better. In a few months things will look very different. In a couple of years, if you go on to do A-levels at a different school (strongly advised, IMO) the atmosphere will be completely different, and you'll have way more control over your own life. Stuff will make sense in a way that it doesn't right now. Sorry if that's patronising, but it's completely true!

For example - I can almost guarantee, at least one of the people in the school who reacted weirdly or aggressively towards you when word got out you were gay, will themselves come out. They may even seek you out for advice.

Anyway, good luck with all this. Keep talking and make sure you cut yourself some slack, especially right now. Recognise that the situation you're in is completely insane - and it will pass and get back to normal. Things definitely will get better.

 

I agree with this, especially if you have been arguing a lot because it will give you a chance to say what you want to say without being interrupted and give your mum a chance to think over what you have said in her own time, talking about these sort of issues get heated very quickly as I'm sure you know, and once that happens most people become a lot less receptive to what other people are saying so it is really important that you can try and start a calm discussion and an email or letter is usually the best way.

Mentioning this forum might be a good idea but maybe not by name if you don't the chance of her finding your threads, I think it was you who said that your mum was encouraging you to join a LGBT society(but correct me if I'm wrong about that) so she will probably be pleased that you have found a place to come and get advice from people that have been through the same thing and that you aren't on your own in this.

 

If you regret posting anything, then you can ask the moderators to delete threads - it's their decision, but I think they'd probably understand and agree to do it if you have privacy concerns.

 

She's probably just processing it, and thinking before she responds. Don't read too much into it.

 

Yeah she took a while to mention the porn. Or maybe she just hasn't noticed.

What did you send her?

 

As for the school transfer...

Parents can get really upset about school problems, as you are discovering now...

One point worth pointing out: a new school has no guarantee that you won't end up getting attacked by a bully.

In fact, I was horribly unpopular at age 12 in school. The next year brought a new school, but I ended up going to a different school than the rest of my old classmates. That school might have been a better choice on several levels. But...the funny thing was that my popularity did not increase in the least at the new school. It was a fresh start, yes, but kids were much the same. And I certainly was the same person, not the sort who becomes Mr. Big Shot on Campus overnight.

This is only speculation, since I don't know your mother. But...it may be that she is hoping on some level that if you are at a new school, you'll stop being gay. That, of course, is impossible. But she may still think it.

You might have better luck negotiating the school issue from a different direction. I don't know what the British school calendar is like. But assuming that you are in the middle of a term, you might argue that it's better to stay, and not transfer until a new term starts. It's very disrupting and hard changing schools in the middle of a term. If she buys this argument, it will buy time...and perhaps in a month she will decide a transfer is not necessary.

One final tip: through this, you need to be as grown up as you can be. Generally, screaming matches do nothing. Staying calm, and reasonable might win the battle for you.

 

Re: hoping that you'll stop being gay - that is my hunch also. Possibly more of a 'brush it all under the carpet and hope that the gay stuff all goes away' - new school, new start, no one has to know about your sexuality, you'll forget about fooling around with guys, get you away from gay influences etc etc.

That might be her line of thinking (even if she won't actually say it). A good way to figure out if this is indeed what's going on is to ask her if she expects you to keep quiet about your sexuality if you were to change schools. She might automatically assume that you would want to go back into the closet - but would you? And is that even feasible in the era of Facebook?

In terms of strategy, I agree with BMC - stay calm and level headed and try to put off the decision on whether to move schools for as long as possible, to allow her time to comento terms with the fact that your sexuality won't suddenly disappear / change because you're in a new school.

---------- Post added 23rd Apr 2014 at 11:48 PM ----------

That took me ages to type on my crap 2" android screen. How i wish i still had my blackberry! Anyway, Looks like you've basically already replied!

---------- Post added 23rd Apr 2014 at 11:51 PM ----------

Finally - can you enlist your brother to help you convince your mum?

 

LOL - I think that's what they call gay pride!

Anyway, before I go to bed, one final thought - it may be worth having a word with your head of year at school, explaining that your mum wants you to move schools and explaining the faulty reasoning behind it.

 

This is also very possible. You may get a lecture at some point about, "Staying quiet about this!"

Telling your mother you will tell everyone you're gay does make your position clear.

Also worth pointing out: even if you stay quiet, there are no guarantees that "no one would learn!" There is a chance of information leaks from one school to another. All it takes is one person at each school who knows each other, and knows who you are.

 

I might as well add this thought...

As I said, being calm is the best thing. But...sometimes you might lose control. That happens even to people my age...

If things get heated, it's often best if possible to just stop the conversation until everyone cools down.