So, my girlfriend and I met freshman year of college, attended schools an hour apart, began our relationship shortly after, and have been dating for 4 years now. We are each others first/only relationship. We now moved away from our friends/family for her job and live together. Her family has a history of depression, and i'm sure she has it too (just undiagnosed). Though she's never been physical towards me or other living things, she has anger issues, and gets irrationally angry over minor things. She has self-image issues as well, and sometimes will decide that she wont leave the house when we've made plans. She didnt get along with my friends during school, and always accuses me of people hitting on me. We're very different, come from very different places, but when we get along, its great. She's hilarious, loving, takes care of anything i may want or need, and has a beautiful smile. Moving in together was an easy "next step," but after college graduation, she had to attend a 3 month long training for her job, so I lived at my childhood home and worked. During this time period, her attitudes got worse and mean, and I got distant. She blamed not being with me, and I took that as a frightening excuse. When i expressed my concern with moving away and living together, she said I wasn't giving her a chance. So we went through with it. We fought the entire first month, and were on the verge of breaking up multiple times. As the holidays came around, we decided that we loved each other enough to put all of our pain and fears aside, and to just enjoy them. Since then, its been pretty good, but we haven't really talked about what was happening. And now she is pressuring me to get married. She's had a ring for about a year now, and i'm just not ready. I love her so much, but i'm afraid i've fallen out of love. But I don't know, because I've never experienced this with anyone else and it scares the shit out of me. She tells me all the time how i'm the only one for her, and she needs nothing other than me... but i need people and friends and alone time and adventure (which, not many of those things she enjoys...). I love her, but I can name more of our issues than what makes us happy. I don't want to hurt her, but I know staying in a damaged relationship is just as bad. I don't know what i'm doing. and I'm scared about it. She's currently deployed, which makes everything that much more...interesting (sarcasm). I'm sorry that was a lot, but I don't have anyone unbiased to talk to.
I think you have a good grasp of the situation. The main problem seems to be she has not been to a professional therapist. You can't and shouldn't be the replacement for a therapist, and you should require that you both talk to some counselor prior to getting married. Marriage will never fix any of the problems. Your girlfriend seems to have a history of demanding you prove your love for her, which is unhealthy. Is she out to her family, and how do they respond? If some of them have depression or other mental issues, they may be overly negative with her.
Her whole family knows, and I know them really well. Her older sister is a bit of a mess (young child, ex-husband was a heroine addict, multiple DUIs), and my gf was never thought to be successful until she graduated college (only one in her family). When her mom met me, they all joke that i'm the favorite daughter now. So if I lose her, I lose the family too. I agree about the therapist, but she's never been a fan. She doesnt like talking to people about her problems--condescension is an anger-trigger (whether they're actually being condescending or not). Thank you for the response, I apologize its such a long thing. Its just hard trying to tell her i'm not ready, when she thinks that just means I don't love her. Oh, also, I talked to a counselor in college because I tend to be a pushover/needed to learn how to be assertive (with coming out, taking care of my own needs, etc). While she was happy that I was "becoming a better person", she was also accusatory of me only standing up to her (not my family or friends), though it wasnt the case. Anyway. Thank you. I just feel lost about everything these days.
You might try to get her family on board. It's tough revealing someone else's problems, but they should understand you want what's best for her. She has a lot of self-esteem issues that she really needs to overcome. I actually would have said moving in was a bad idea until I saw you've been together for so long. Maybe it would help if you lived separately for a while. She needs to know that the current situation can't be the same forever. It will start wearing down on your own mental wellbeing.
