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Cupid has me in a chokehold

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by lostinparadise, Apr 22, 2014.

  1. lostinparadise

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    Salutations forum peeps :slight_smile:

    I wasn't exactly sure where to post this, but it involves relationships and friends so I thought that best fits what I'm about to go on about.

    Last year my best friend kissed me. It was on her birthday and she said that it was all she wanted for her birthday, that she had always wondered what it would be like. She is a lesbian and we both had (and in my case still have) SO's at the time. That is a whole different rant and story on it's own though, and all I'll say about it is that my boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years now and her girlfriend is now her ex (she was kind of insane).

    My best friend and I have been friends since the first day of highschool (so for about 6 years we have been friends) and we have only grown closer as time went by. I always knew she was really attracted to me as she never hid it and she is never shy to say exactly what she thinks/wabts to do to me. I have always stronyl leaned towards girls but up until last year I had never acted on my feelings, al though I have had chances to do so in the past. I don't really know what I am... I am extremly attracted to girls/women but I love my boyfriend and I am attracted to him as well. Most of the time. Erm yeah. Anyways let's get to the point.

    When my friend kissed me... How do you explain something that f*cking changes your life like that? It was amazing, I have never in my life experienced anything like that. Like unicorns were puking rainbows and I was riding that unicorn. At first I did nothing, sitting there like an idiot while she kissed me, and when my brain comprehended what was happening I clumsily tried to kiss her back but I was so flustered that I only managed a decent kiss after like 2 minutes -_- now the thing is... I can't get this girl out of my head. I can even go as far as saying that she "haunts" my dreams. When we were done kissing I just sat there. I was as high as a kite on whatever the hell had happened. She aasked me if I was ok and I just managed to stare at her in amazement and nod. She asked me "was it really that bad?" And I shook my head frantically, because I was speecheless because of feels and it was amazing. I think she was offended because she just got up and didn't say anything after that.

    What happened after that weekend was kind of weird for me. She stopped treating me the way she used to, she stopped being flirty and so attentive to me, and I didn't know how to handle/deal with it. I mean, what did it mean? Was it good or was she just being herself; she tended to have a habit of being in her own world the whole time, being oblivious to what's happening around her or what she did. This confused me to no end, as I wanted her to be her old self around me, the best friend I knew. She grew kind of distant, and to top it all off she started being the way she used to be with me, with my other friend. I spiraled into depression (which I'm still in, hooray, good job) and I got mixed up in a couple of really bad things, namely, I attempted suicide at least once, that I'm willing to admit to. I tried to talk to her about it but she would avoid the subject (on purpose or was she just oblivious?) Or she would get uncharacteristically quite and thoughtful while I just sat there like an idiot, twiddling my thumbs while I waited for a half assed response. I decided to man up and I told her twice that I think I started liking her back and then she would just smile and talk about something else. Maybe now that she got what she wanted, I didn't seem so alluring anymore? For awhile after that we flirsted with the idea of friends with benifits and it almost happened, but then she met her current girlfriend and the idea died with that.

    I know I have said this before, but I can't stop thinking about her; last week was her birthday again and all I could think about since then was of messed up my feelings/emotions/life has gotten since that very day last year. My depression is kind of in check but every now and then everything will take a nose dive and I'll just be back where I was last year. We go to the same university and ever since I got my drivers license and can drive home when I feel like it, I don't have an excuse to spend my whole day with her like we used to, just messing around and having fun. Every time I know I'm going to see her, I can't sleep because I'm so excited, it's driving me insane. Why do I feel like this about her? Why does it feel so intense? I cry myself to sleep sometimes because I feel so trapped in my feelings/my situation. I don't want her to break up with her girlfriend because she is very sweet and good to her and it makes me feel really guilty for feeling this way.

    I don't really know why I posted this, I guess I'm just hoping that maybe someone has experienced something similar and has advice, or maybe I just had to rant about how this makes me feel. Since I can't tell anyone else. If anybody has any advice or comments or observations or whatever, please leave a comment :slight_smile: I know I have questionable morals when it comes to certain things, but I'm kind of in a shitty space at the moment and it makes it hard to be rational about certain things sometimes.

    Peace people :slight_smile:

    PS. Sorry if this post is long, here is a metaphorical potato
     
  2. resu

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    Why do you stay with your boyfriend?

    It sounds like you have a big crush or may actually be in love. You could say you missed her old self, when she used to be closer and more carefree.
     
  3. AthenaEvince

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    I've been in a similar situation, and I understand what you're going through. And honestly, you might just have to force yourself over this. I'm not saying you have to not be friends with her anymore at all, but...I don't know.

    In so many words, I had to tell myself why it wasn't worth ruining a long term relationship just to jump into another, and had to tell myself all the reasons why. Granted, I don't think I fell as deep as it seems you have, but if you've tried talking to her, then maybe, for now, its the only way.

    And about the relationship... (and i could tell myself the same thing)... maybe you're not ready to be in something so boxed in. If you're 19, and have been in a relationship for 5 years? you need to experience life and heartbreak and love. What you're feeling now is something that you're having to keep all to yourself, and deal with all on your own, and that's so hard. You've got so many years ahead of you. You're at university, now is the time.

    And beyond that, focus on you. She may be wonderful and awesome and the love of your life, but she's not worth you losing the love of yourself over.

    I apologize if my words seem to be all over the place, but... If I could go back and rethink some things 3-4 years ago, I would.

    Good luck, dear