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I fancy my best friend

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Polar1008, Apr 24, 2014.

  1. Polar1008

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    I fancy my best friend who is also a guy like me, but I don't know if he's straight/bisexual/gay.

    He's been my best friend for 5 years. We do a lot of close activities together, like going on nights out, festivals etc.

    I am very bi-polar about my sexuality, and I often get long periods where I either feel REALLY straight or REALLY gay. To most people that know me I come across as really masculine and manly so most people don't suspect me of liking both genders, but when I like my gender I feel really feminine as opposed to when I like the opposite gender and I feel really masculine. He is really masculine and I like that about him and I think that is one of the reason I fancy him. (I am not bi-polar btw, or atleast I don't think I am).

    But I have had a few homo-erotic and sometimes sexual encounters with him, we always tease each other and sometimes it feels like he is finding reasons to touch me like putting his arm around me (non-sexually). Quite a few times we have shared the same bed together after coming back from a night out when there have been no other beds and I needed somewhere to crash. It is always an intimate experience and I played footsie in bed with him and really enjoyed it - he must have seemed to like it as he was rubbing his feet on my legs and vice versa but we never talk about stuff like that, and I didn't know if he was fully awake.

    A few months a go me and him shared a bed and had a sexual encounter, we slept VERY close after he invited me to sleep with him (to which I naturally agreed hehe). I took that as a cue to be even more intimate based on past experiences, so I made advances towards him by placing a hand on his legs and then his genitals, he put his arm around me and grabbed my butt under the covers which I LOVED as it made me feel really feminine. He then got up invited me to the toilets to which I agreed (there were other people in the room so we needed to be more discrete) we masturbated each other off but stopped short when he stopped for what ever reason, maybe he felt disgusted or ashamed or whatever, and I stopped too and we didn't talk about it and carried on as if nothing's happened.

    A few days later he messaged me on social media saying how much he was ashamed and disgusted with himself and I agreed, I was ashamed with myself but deep down I loved what had happened between us, he asked are we both bisexual because of this and I told him it was just one encounter so we can't be bisexual, we then agreed never to talk about the incident again and delete all chat logs we had about the incident. We both have VERY homophobic parents so that wouldn't bode well.

    Since then our friendship has remained the same and we have been best friends, but when I have my homosexual moments I still really fancy him and sometimes I still flirt with him, and lots of the time he seems really responsive and flirts back too. He has a lot of encounters with women too and although I have my contacts with them I am normally not quite as successful, and although I really like women too I fancy him too - he is one of the few males I find really sexually attractive.

    I don't know if he is gay/confused/bisexual etc and I don't want to be too overt now considering that incident above, although as said I fancy him when I feel gay and I enjoy flirting with him but I can never be sure he is even bisexual let alone fancying me, any help and advice is gladly received.

    Thanks.
     
  2. RetroRhombus

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    Ask if he is bi, and say it is fine f he is. If he is, come out to him.
     
  3. Drag586

    Drag586 Guest

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    You both already know how you feel about each other. The very fact that your parents are really homophobic explains why you both feel guilty. When your raised in an environment to laugh at gays or even look at them in a weird, construed manner then there is bound to be guilt associated. You both like and feel good about playing and flirting with one another, and truth be told that is nothing to be ashamed of. You wouldn't blame a straight guy and girl for wanting to flirt and play with one another, it's biologically impossible to want to do otherwise. Same goes for gays/bisexuals!

    Truthfully I think you should keep flirting with him and being playful until you get closer to what you were doing before. Then just bring it up and have a deep conversation about it. You both clearly have feelings for one another and are attracted to each other. You were just installed with shame by your parents views on gays/bisexuals. Don't let it deter you from being happy with someone you care about!
     
  4. resu

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    IMO, I think you should come out first and just say you're bi. If you can't do that, at least say that maybe you were wrong about both of you not being bisexual or that you're questioning. The problem is that he's looking to you for validation, and if you stay in the closet, he has little reason to come out on his own.

    Eventually, this is going to wear down on your relationship if you keep refusing to acknowledge the sexual attraction while still having sexual encounters. Just because your parents are homophobic doesn't mean you two have to internalize that homophobia. You're adults now, so you need to make decisions for yourselves.
     
  5. Polar1008

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    Thank you, I would have said I was bisexual there and then but the pressure seemed too much, we have really gay, effeminate friends too it's just it's like it is almost expected of us two to be masculine (I know masculinity and homosexuality are not linked and I know you get really masculine homosexuals too) and stuff like that and unfortunately I cracked under pressure.

    My parents are the type to not mind about another persons homosexuality, but I know if it was me my mum and dad could never fully accept it. However I myself am always fully supportive of gay rights.
     
  6. resu

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    If you're not ready to come out, try to at least show your support for gay people in a more obvious way, like saying people should love whomever they want. I know you don't mean to, but you're still talking in the homophobic manner of gay = feminine and straight = masculine, and your friend probably picks up on that. In fact, he seems to be a little more comfortable if he asked if both of you were bisexual.

    That's a catch-22 with your parents. They don't think about acceptance because you're not out, and you're not out because you fear their rejection. Coming out to them would make them face their prejudices, and they, of all people, are most likely to realize your still the same son they have known for 19 years. In fact, they probably have some suspicions since most LGBT kids exhibit "gender-atypical" behaviors.

    Do you have any siblings or other close friends that you could talk to? That may give you some breathing room and more impartial advice. Even if you're expected to be masculine, remember that expectations should match reality.
     
  7. WhiteShadows

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  8. Polar1008

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    Bare in mind I did say you can get gay people who are very 'masculine'/'feminine' like heterosexual people. I don't think I am speaking in a homophobic way although I do concede that it may not be in a politically correct way. We have a friend that is out and openly Gay (towards us) and there is not a problem at all with that. We have been to Gay pride marches too in the past (covertly) and I am always the first one to say we should tolerate Gay people in College (and people say the most horrible things about them there) because they have a right to love like everybody else although I find it very hard.

    I live in a majority Muslim area and here people are VERY homophobic (to the point where most of them think there should be death towards Gay people) - in light of that it is very difficult for me to be open, although one day I will be open it's just I need support.
     
  9. dapulu

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    Hi there.

    I'd tell him how I feel about my sexuality, and share how hard it is to accept it and my perspective on the subject. After all, he's had those experiences too.

    Good luck and keep us updated :grin: