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He used to be a trumpet player.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Drag586, Apr 24, 2014.

  1. Drag586

    Drag586 Guest

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    I am a senior in high school who is having a lot of trouble with a boy I really care about and have loved for the past 4 years. He and I used to play the trumpet our first year of high school together. I have thought of him as the cute trumpet player since the 7th grade when we used to do mixed band concerts between our schools. Then in high school that all changed, and it became a full blown love story which was probably the most exciting time of my life. Halfway through the year our seating assignments changed and he and I sat next to one another. That's when things really got good for me. I am a very quiet and shy person and I don't really talk to new people until I am around them enough to know how they will react. It's kind of a rejection issue I have.

    He used to do all these really cute things to me. He constantly tried to get me out of my comfort zone and just interact with me. I usually only talked to the girl on my left so he would do goofy things to try and make me smile. He would try and tickle me all the time, lay his head on my leg when he dropped a pencil in front of me. One time he even laid his head on my shoulder. He was just messing with something of the kid to his right and setting it on the floor between us, but all I felt was his brisk short hair and forehead snuggle me. I slowly turned to see that it was him and just turned back, after all I didn't know what to do. This was the first time anyone had ever touched me and cared about me so much. Even up to the last day he was being goofy and we had a few moments where he purposely tried to make me laugh and smile. It was a wonderful time.

    Soon though that wonderful time disappeared and was filled with darkness and despair for the next three years as I missed him sorely and felt like there was a huge whole in my heart. I became so depressed not only from him but other reasons, and just not being able to express myself sexually like I would have liked to. As a result I became awkward and had trouble looking my friends in the eyes as I passed them in the hallway. I basically ignored them because I felt like none of them liked me. It wasn't to hurt them, I just felt unwanted and worthless to the point where now when I look at them they look away and avoid me themselves.

    Unfortunately this includes the boy I used to like. After the second half of sophomore year he wouldn't even look at me anymore. We were the only two people in the hallway passing each other one time and I looked at him expectantly but he just took out his phone because he was uncomfortable. Maybe I should have broken the ice sooner and said hi to him. I just didn't feel like it was my place at the time.

    Now it's senior year, he is the most self actualized person I have ever met. Super popular (as he has always been) and I'm starting to slip back into my depression again. I saw a picture of him online at a party and he up on the counter, probably drunk, grinding with one of the hottest girls in school. It was funny because he's just this little short, confident, kind and caring goofy kid and he was having the time of his life. He also asked a girl to prom with a bunch of his friends involved, lets just say it had to do with him being half naked and leave it at that. Needless to say, I've never been so depressed in my entire life and these past few weeks have been the hardest I have ever had to go through.

    What should I do? He was the only one who would even touch me and genuinely seemed to care about me before I fucked things up with not only him but the entire high school. I just feel like there is no recovering from this. Even in college, where there is even more freedom, things can only get worse.
     
    #1 Drag586, Apr 24, 2014
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2014
  2. Gen

    Gen
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    First, welcome to EC.

    It sounds as though he was someone who made you feel worthy and lovable in a time when nothing else was instilling those feelings in your life. Whether it was platonic or romantic on his behalf isn't important because it made you feel special at the end of the day. It is never easy to lose something that has become a symbol of happiness and self-worth in our lives. Personally, I didn't go through your exact experience, but I went through one that made me feel very similarly when I began high school.

    My experience required far more time to recover completely than I would freely prefer to admit, but it is because of my experience that there isn't any part of me that believes in the beliefs of there is no recovering from your situation and he will be the only person to ever have been nice to you. It seems as though you have acknowledged that you slipped into spans of depression and pushed other away from you, which means that you also have to acknowledge the reality that your actions play a large part in the way people interact and connect with you. Overcoming this bleak period that you are currently suffering through will be crucial in whether your future will truly improve.

    You have to let it go. I'm sure that there is regret of not acting on the situation and shame for still not being able to move on after all this time, but you have to forgive yourself. You have to allow yourself the right to be hesitant and vulnerable. Festering over past experiences will exclude you from having the opportunity to move forward.
     
  3. resu

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    I'm a little confused on how things got bad. Did you not try talking to him after he stopped playing in band?

    Just try to rebuild the friendship at least. You are going to have to come out of your comfort zone, but there isn't much risk since you've already been distant from him. Ask him what's up (either in person or in a message), and be interested in what he's doing. You could ask something like does he miss playing trumpet.
     
  4. Drag586

    Drag586 Guest

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    You really have a way with words, it felt good reading this and I agree with you about overcoming my current depression. In all honesty I have gotten a lot better as the years have passed, sophomore year was the worst. I am just going through some really bad days where I'm reminded of who he really is and what he really wants. I'll figure it out and move on eventually.

    You see that's the thing. We didn't communicate by talking, hardly ever actually. I can remember probably one time I asked him a question, with no follow up the entire year. I am very internal in almost everything I do. I was chatty with the girl I was next to but not with him. I was more observant because he is really funny and generally is the center of attention in terms of getting everyone to laugh. Most of the times he made me feel good was just when he was messing around with me, making me smile or laugh at something he did or said. I acknowledge that I didn't put out a whole lot for him in return, and that's why things got bad the second half of sophomore year. Just the silence and awkwardness of having nothing left to do with each other.

    I came in smiling one day with one of my friends (midway between sophomore year, before the phone incident where things got bad) having not seen or been around him for the majority of the year. I saw him with a girl who I know and am sort of friends with. They have both been friends for a while too. I smiled at both of them before walking past and trying to catch up to my friend who I was trailing when he grabbed my arm and squeezed it a few times.

    It sounds stupid but it was really special to me and made me feel like he still cared. It was kind of our weird way of saying hi to each other, through stuff like that. Maybe I'm just being stupid for wanting more from a friendship which never had the proper foundation put in place. Once again, I acknowledge that as a failure of real effort on my part. I guess if anything I can take this as a learning experience.
     
    #4 Drag586, Apr 24, 2014
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2014
  5. dapulu

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    Hello there!

    You'll learn, little by little, how to respond to the effort put by others to enter your life.

    Pass by them and start by smiling, and when you feel a bit more confident, include a "hi" in there, or some weird facial expression and then laugh (to see if they too laugh or at least get a bit weirded out haha). I don't know how, but I started doing a lot of little things that helped me get new friends, and people who cared about me.

    Step by step. If he tried that hard to be in your life then muster your courage and just start with a hi. You're already making efforts, so don't feel bad if you're being a bit slow.

    Best of luck and keep us updated :slight_smile:
     
  6. Drag586

    Drag586 Guest

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    I tried messaging him once but it was ignored. That was after things got kinda bad anyways. I think he and his friends just want nothing to do with me at all anymore. They all grew so much over high school and I just stayed the same awkward, shy, selfish kid who didn't know what he had until it was gone. Even though I'm getting better, I still have hard times where I just can't muster the courage to say hi to anyone. Let alone the people I know dread the sight of me. Plus I've seen too much evidence of how straight he is by now anyways, so he is a lost cause. I would still like to be in his life, I feel so normal and alive when I'm around him or see him once in a while. I'm just so ashamed of how I treated him, regardless of what I was going through. I just don't even know anymore. I don't think I will be any better when I start college this fall, I'm just to anxious and morbidly depressed.
     
  7. dapulu

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    Well, that's what you think, but it's not necessarily true. And you never know when they might change their mind.

    Now, let's be clear. What you want is his friendship, right?

    I insist in saying HI!!!, because it's pretty easy to ignore online/text messages, however when there're conversations in real life, that's just plain rude hahahaha. If you start by talking to him little by little, then one time you can tell him what you wrote here, and how sorry you're for treating him that way.

    You need to exercise. Try some sports, they help interacting with people and give endorphins, although ant the beginning you may suck, as it happened to me hahahaha but practice will always make you better, even in social relationships.

    Good luck and best of wishes! :slight_smile: Keep us updated