Okay sorry part of this is going to be negative. I am going to write what I feel at the moment which is just confused, sort of sad in a way, wanting to let people in, yet just want to push people away. These are my feelings of why I think I push people away. I pretty much assume people will leave me. I hate the way I feel when I do like someone-I feel just miserable when it happens. I hate the feeling because well I don't like someone having that control over me. I don't like someone being able to see me as vulnerable. I don't like the feeling as though I am kind of doing something wrong when I do like someone. For example, if I do tell someone I like them, I don't think its worth the misery of being rejected and them kind of just throwing me to the wolves. I feel I try to get the control back from liking someone by simply ignoring them, finding ways in which they can hate me or just simply do something stupid. In the long run, I feel like I should push them away before they have the chance to do it to me. At this point, I am trying to find a way to fix this part of me. Pushing someone away comes so easily to me that once someone says they want to be friends and get personal with me a switch goes off in my head that says stay away from them. I have spoken to my counselor about this and she finds I do this to a lot of people. I did it to someone last year and at the moment I am trying to determine if I will do it to this one person who I may have feelings for. It isn't really a determination, but rather if I can get away from the person long enough to not have feelings so that she will never know. The issue I am having is I see her every other day because of work. My counselor also doesn't like that I am even thinking about pushing this person away because she believes that this person is different than another person I knew last year. Counselor says she believes I do this because it gives me control which is true. The issue is I know tomorrow I may see her and she will likely cause me to have an anxiety attack which always comes about when things get too personal. Gah, at times I just wish people would not want to know anything about me and just see me as nothing-invisible. Hell, my step father can do it, why not others? I am just stuck... I hide my feelings for people which I am a pro at. I won't even admit to someone if I do like them because well I hate expressing my feelings. The last time I expressed my feelings to someone they threw me to the wolves. I still have issues when I will go throughout the day and suddenly realize oh my gah, I like girls. I mean I freaken fantasized about a friend which makes me sound like a creep. Overall, I am just scared of closeness, my own feelings, my relationships suck, never been in one because someone once told me I really should never be in a relationship and also because I know I need to work on myself before that could happen. Ill end by saying I was doing so well and now this person came around and blew it for me and I will not be telling her I like her no matter what my counselor says I should do. I feel really crappy because a part of me really wants to be friends with her, but another part is telling, it would be best if I wasn't in her life. I could be feeling like this because I am anxious with a bit sleep, but at the moment and I think this is how I feel all the time.
It seems like you have trouble with letting people know you care about them because it makes you feel vulnerable. So instead you treat them badly and ruin your relationships assuming the worst will come if you are honest. The truth is not all the people you put your trust in are going to fail you like the first time. You had a bad experience with a person who hurt you by taking advantage of that precious vulnerability. Your trying to apply one really bad experience to every future experience you could possibly have. Honestly most people aren't like that and are very understanding and supportive even if they don't share mutual feelings. You already took a chance once, and it backfired, but that isn't your fault. It isn't your fault you put faith in a person who turned out to be unworthy of your trust. It happens to all of us. All I'm saying is give this new girl a chance in your life. Rather than treating her as if she has done something wrong and pushing her away, realize that she hasn't done anything to you and most likely won't. Your bad experience isn't how things are always going to work out. Don't use it as a model to follow or a reason to allow yourself to remove good people from your life. You can do this. You're a good person with good intentions who wants to care about someone else. The thing is you have to let them care about you and allow yourself to be vulnerable in order to care back in return. Don't think about what might happen, but what is happening. Be spontaneous and just do what feels right at the time. Don't play head games with yourself. I have liked a boy for a lot of years now and I pushed him away and treated him and a lot of his friends like complete garbage by ignoring them because I felt so worthless and unwanted. I kept worrying so much about what he would say if I told him I liked him. So much so that even today I can't stop thinking about the what ifs. I saw him today and was left dumbfound in the moment as to why I even think such useless nonsense and why I let my own head stop me from having a good relationship with a good person. If you really care about her then take what I said to heart. Stop treating people the opposite of how you really feel. Keep it simple and act on how you feel. Not on what you think might happen if you do. Good luck, I know your going to be just fine!
I really enjoyed reading your response. I have admitted to the girl that I would like to be friends with her. She reciprocated by saying that I seemed like a great person and she would also like to be friends with me. I am staying at a friendly level; one being because she has a boyfriend soooo yeah that part is off limits, but I am still going to try my best to be friends with her. I think the thing that I find difficult is inviting her places-thankfully hopefully will never be one on one just because that is when deep conversations usually occur or so I know will likely happen with her. She is a very analytical person and finds me apparently interesting because I don't share everything about myself-I keep to myself a lot... I have mentioned to her that I don't feel comfortable with her trying to find a hidden meaning on what I say, which she has stopped doing. I think the most difficult thing is telling myself not to flirt with her because well she is off limits and I will never get with someone in a relationship. I am just scared because I know one day I may need to tell her I like girls, but while my counselor says it wouldn't hurt to just say I have a slight crush on her, I don't feel it is appropriate...
