Old home, old friend

Hey, I'm new here on the forums. It seemed like this could be a relatively nice place to talk about troubles and woes, so I joined up.

Anyway, like all "normal" people, I have friends. Unfortunately, I left them all behind when I moved out of the US to attend school abroad.

I have never been able to make friends easily, and, for a large part of my life, I had only three friends. Those friends' protectiveness of me is what led them to become my friends back in the 2nd grade and not some sort of feeling we had anything in common. We later developed some things to have in common though. Hmm... now that I think about it, guys have always been protective of me (not sure why). When I made it to high school I added a fourth friend to my collection (his name is Nolan). That friend quickly became my first and only crush.

The first time I met him, I was startled by what I saw: beautiful blonde hair, piercing blue eyes that seemed to say "I will always care for you", a perfect face, creamy skin that begged to be touched, the start of what would later become well-defined muscles under his not-so-loose shirt, and... then I stopped myself from staring down the rest of his body. Needless to say, the confused look he gave me in return transformed my face into a cherry tomato. Of course, none of that is what truly endeared me to him :icon_wink .

It didn't take long before he became protective of me like my other friends had. There was one point in time at my house, while my parents weren't home, where all of them got into a verbal argument over whether or not the rest were being too bossy to me, and they demanded to know which one of them I considered my best friend. It somehow eventually devolved into a contest of who was too cowardly to kiss me. Two of them gave me a kiss on the cheek while the third decided he would show his strong friendship by showing me how long his erection was underneath his shorts (I looked away as I was quite embarrassed by the whole ordeal :redface: although I did happen to catch a glimpse before I did—it was impressive). It wasn't until after the others had left that Nolan, before stepping into his car, ran up to me and gave me a quick kiss on the lips. For me the kiss had lasted several seconds, but in reality the kiss had only been a fraction of one. He immediately ran back to his car leaving me to watch his retreating figure as his mom drove him away. I was lovestruck; he had become my first and only kiss and my first and only love.

A few years later and it's my last year of high school in the US. During those years Nolan was acting more and more like a gentleman towards me. However, in all that time, neither of us ever mentioned the kiss he gave me. I'm a pretty shy person, so I never had the courage to bring it up. Nolan had known about me moving away for a few months at this point. He told me when he finished high school he was going to go to a Christian college because that's what his parents wanted. I knew I would never go to a Christian college (not that they are terrible or anything like that), so I thought that this was for the best. The day I moved, we had a moment where we stared at each other not knowing exactly what to say. I was wearing some nice clothes that day because my mom wanted to take a picture of me with all my friends.

Nolan eventually broke the silence, his lips uttering each word softly. "You look good." It was short, and it was all he said. But I didn't care—I just wanted to hear him speak.

I wasn't sure what to say. My whole world was being turned upside down, so I said the only thing that came to my mind. "You look good too."

We didn't say anything else. We merely turned away from each other and walked our separate ways. He to his house and me to my car. Once again I was forced to watch his retreating figure disappear. Except this time, I was the one in the car, and I wasn't coming back.

Now, two years later, I am in the US after I decided to come back to my beloved home town to attend college. I was walking down the hall from one of my classes, and I start to see a familiar face... Nolan's face. My heart stopped in my chest, and I immediately did an about-face, quickly walking as far away from him as possible. I didn't know what to do or what to say. I gleaned some information from my other friends, and they told me that Nolan came to the college to figure out what he wants to do with his life as he spent some time at the Christian college but decided it was not for him. I've told them to not tell Nolan about me coming back yet. They asked the inevitable "why," of course, so I told them I want to surprise him (not really, but that's probably what's going to happen).

This is where you come in. As I've said, I'm a shy person. I have changed a lot in the two years I've been gone. Knowing this, I'm scared that perhaps he has changed a lot too... and in a way that does not include me in his life. I have never told him that I'm gay, and, as far as I know, he's never shown any signs of being gay (although people have sometimes said that I'm incredibly dense and naive about flirting or when someone is "into me"). How do you think I should approach him?

I don't know. It's really late right now. I mean it's about 3 A.M. here. I've probably left a lot of things out, but I wanted to try and give a little background information on me and my situation.

 

I don't think I could hug him or kiss him in the way you suggest :redface:. If I did, it would probably surprise me way more than it could ever surprise him. Do you really think I should tell him I'm gay after two or three meetings? Is that the norm for these types of situations? How do you think I should do it?

As for keeping in touch with each other, I cut off all ties with him when I moved away. I had truly thought it was the end of anything we could have had together. While I was in high school, my parents told me that there was no such thing as "best friends forever" and that no matter how sincere they may appear to be, all friends are superficial deep down. The sad thing is... I believed them. I closed my heart off from every one of my friends, making no effort to keep in contact with them. Thankfully, three of my friends have accepted me, and were, in fact, ecstatic that I returned home. The question is, however, whether my fourth friend will accept me and if, hopefully, he will accept me in the way I want him to (being gay, I mean, if you didn't catch that).

 

I decided to talk to Nolan today at school after reading what you guys said; It made me feel like I had enough courage to approach him.

One of my three friends (Chris) told me that Nolan's Psychology class ended at 10:00 A.M., so I waited outside his class. But for every second I stood there, I lost more and more of the courage I had. I just kept thinking that the person that would walk through the door would be a completely different person from the one I knew. It wasn't long before I lost all my courage and walked away.

Apparently, Chris thought it would be funny to lie about the time Nolan's class ended because the Psychology class didn't end at 10:00—it started at 10:00. As I was walking away, Nolan came out of one of the rooms ahead of me and briefly glanced my way before doing a double take. Immediately, a large smile formed on his face. My heart felt as if it leapt straight out of my chest. If it's possible, he looked better than the last time I saw him (it seems he has also been working out more since the last time I saw him as well).

He came up to me and asked why I was there, and I tried to explain to him why I came to the U.S. for college. I cut the conversation short though due to his class starting at 10:10. He tried telling me this was more important, but I said I had to go to class too. Before I left, Nolan said he wanted to hang out soon, and we exchanged phone numbers.

I was so happy and yet so nervous while I was talking with him. My heart was beating really fast the entire time. However, now I'm apprehensive about the next time we'll meet. :icon_sad:

@ dapulu: We never really talked about relationships or "who is hot," so it may be suspicious to him if I started talking about those things now. Chris and my other two friends (Derek and Kyler) were usually the ones who would say things like "I'd tap that" or "she looks hot, don't you think?" Maybe, like SomeNights suggested, I could slip that kind of talk subtly into my conversations over time.

 

Nolan offered to eat lunch with me today. We talked for about two hours catching up on some of the things we've been doing for the past two years. Everything was going great. We joked about how even though Chris, Derek, and Kyler have changed so much they are still the crazy goofballs they were in high school. We also chatted about what our majors are and some of the subjects we are currently taking. It was not long though before the mood started to shift. He said I should have kept in contact with him, and he asked me why I didn't. I promised I would tell him all about why I didn't someday. He became a little solemn, and I asked him if he was okay. He brushed it off then said I could take as much time as I needed to to explain why I didn't contact him.

We then got on the conversation of what our lives would have been like if we went to the same college instead of leaving for different ones. He said it would have been a blast to go to another country with me as we could have had so many adventures and new experiences together. He asked what I thought if I had gone to the Christian college with him, and I said I did not think I would have liked it that much. Once again, he became a little solemn, but this time he didn't say anything. Nolan just looked away, staring at something outside, then said it was probably time for him to go. He offered to pay for the food, but I told him that wouldn't be fair. He insisted on it as he said it would make up for all the times he was not able to take me out for lunch. I gave in and let him pay but only on the condition that I would pay next time.

Nolan drove me home afterwards. However, it seemed like the whole time we were driving he had a pensive look on his face.

Do you think he's been having troubles at home or something while I've been gone? Should I arrange a meeting and ask him about it or let him tell me on his own time?

 

I invited Nolan and the others to my house on Saturday so we could all hang out like we used to. Kyler wanted to start off the day by playing some mini games on Pokemon Stadium (It's an old game, I know, but Kyler was always one for nostalgia). Everyone was trying to mess the other up: pushing, covering each other's eyes, and pressing the wrong buttons on the other's controller. Me being the referee, tried to put a stop to all of this and told them to play fair. Derek jokingly said "OK mom, we'll stop now." He then challenged me to see if I could beat him one-on-one.

After I won several times in a row leaving a steamed Derek sitting on the couch, Nolan suggested that we bake a pizza from scratch as I was getting hungry at this point. Nolan and I were in charge of chopping up the toppings. While I was chopping, I felt like Nolan was glancing at me every now and again. I became a little uncomfortable with the situation, so I started a conversation on their thoughts about some of the things that have happened on the news.

We mentioned what we thought of the economy and the political divide in the country. I quickly regretted starting the conversation though as Derek asked me what I thought about Obama's stance on gay marriage. I wouldn't doubt it if I was visibly sweating bullets. I didn't know what to say. I mean, how would they react if I told them I support gay marriage and they do not? I know, it's not like he was asking if I was gay or anything, but I didn't want to open up a can of worms if it did lead to that.

Fortunately, I did not have to answer because Nolan thought it would be funny to throw flour at my face as I was going to say something. But as relieved as I was to have dodged the question, it made me mad more. I got some of it in my mouth, and I'm pretty sure I swallowed some of it too :icon_mad:. I began throwing flour back at Nolan which sparked an all-out food fight between the five of us. Oddly enough, despite having thrown the flour at me in the first place, Nolan wanted to form a team with me against the others. I turned him down and dumped some freshly made tomato sauce onto his head as revenge.

As much fun as the food fight had been, we still had to clean up afterward. It surprisingly didn't take us that long to clean though, but Nolan had to take a shower because of the tomato sauce. His shirt was also ruined, so I had to lend him one of my more baggy shirts as he is a little taller than I am.

We ended up having to use the ingredients me and Nolan chopped for pasta considering everything else was unsalvageable.

Things more or less settled down, and we watched The Amazing Spider-man after we ate (We're going to watch the second movie later next week). Nolan and Derek sat beside me on the couch while Chris and Kyler sat in the chairs next to us.

When the movie was over everyone had to leave, but before Nolan left he said he was sorry about throwing the flour in my face. I forgave him and told him he could keep the shirt I lent him. He said "No, that's alright. I'll just drive shirtless," and pulled off the shirt. I was too embarrassed to look at his body, so I turned away and said "Well, I hope you have a nice day." I did, however, turn back to look at him while was walking to his car.

Although things didn't go exactly as I planned, Nolan seemed like he was much happier, and I think I got rid of some of the tension we had during our last meeting. I hope to ask him about last week next time we hang out.

@dapulu: I try to recall things just as they happen, but they may be affected by the way I perceive them. But that's why I ask you guys about these things, right?:icon_wink You guys seem to be better at seeing all the stuff in between the lines.

@Will2M and resu: I've tried to follow your advice and am trying to just be a friend to him which is why I arranged this get-together. It's hard though when you love the other so much :icon_sad:.

To everyone else: Thank you guys for all of your advice and support! It has really helped me.