Today I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 8 months. We've been living together the whole time. What bothers me is the trivial thing that did it, and the trivial things that got us into arguments in the past. I came back from work today, and he politely/jokingly mentioned that me wearing a long-sleeve shirt under a short-sleeve shirt was a "middle-school" trend. We were about to go out, and I decided not to change. But before we left he asked as nicely as he could if I could remove the undershirt. I asked why and he mentioned that it's akin to socks and sandals--it just isn't done. I said that it was cold and that I didn't want to remove the undershirt. He sat down on the bed to suggest he wouldn't leave without me removing it, and he was perplexed as to why I wouldn't do this one simple favor for him. At this point, I found it insulting that he wouldn't want to be seen with me just because I was wearing a long-sleeve undershirt. I stood firm, but later tried to compromise by covering it all up with a zip-up sweater. That did not suffice. It seemed like it was just about the "principle" for both of us now. Neither of us budged, and he canceled the outing with his brother and I. I told him it was going to be a BIG problem if he left without me or didn't go with me wearing the shirt. He got up to continue washing the dishes, and, not knowing what to do, I just lied down to see if I could manage to nap. Later, I heard him leaving and got up to ask where he was going. He said he was still going out with his brother. I asked if I was still invited, and he casually said, "Nahh..." He walked out. As he closed the door, I said, "You know it's over, right?" He said, "Yeah, I know." I said I would have my stuff out by the time he was back, 8 or 9pm (he's still not back). I called him immediately after and gave him another chance to have me go. It was a no-go, and we argued during his whole car ride about who was right. He claimed I always just want to start arguments, and that I "chose" this. But I said that he made just as much of a "choice" to leave without me. He demanded I stay at least two weeks until he found a new roommate, and I said that if he wasn't going to give me the respect I deserved by at least coming back to talk about it, I wouldn't give him that two weeks time. In the end, I'm still here, and I chose to be an adult and not take my things to my parent's house. He said in the phone call that there was "no way we could ever get back together," and then later when I asked him to confirm that, he wouldn't. He "didn't have an answer." Should I still try to be roommates with him after the two weeks? Should I have just left today? Should I ever even want to get back together with him? Of course I still love him, but he just can't seem to get it through his head that he didn't budge just as much as I didn't budge. He thinks this was all my fault and that I "love" to start arguments. Who's right? I need some advice!
I think he may have felt like this for a while.. usually when someone has been thinking about breaking up for a while they leap at the nearest, even most trivial excuse to do so. Maybe you two were a bit rash to break up in such an impromptu manner, but it seems, at least to me, that there has been some internalization and thinking behind the scenes. People don't usually just agree to break up like that, it must have been something that has been bothering him for a while. When he said that you "love" to start arguments, this appears more so to me as a reflection on what he perceives as your apparent behaviour over a long period of time- and doesn't specifically concern this one event. I think you two need to sit down and properly talk this out. Try to see what's actually going on here, and try to see it from his perspective... maybe try to apologise sincerely as well *if* you see that he has a point, but I believe that you should stand your ground. He was acting rather immaturely and superficially- so what if you wear a long sleeve shirt under a short sleeve shirt- it really shouldn't matter and he has really no right to dictate to you what you can and can't do. That said, I think you telling him that he wasn't allowed to go out with his brother is also a big red flag in my books. His brother is family, and it would seem rather complicated with the idea of him cancelling on his brother because of some trivial dress code issue. Either way, if you two broke up over this, it sounds like it was bound to happen. How you looked should have never been an issue, and arguing over something like this should have never happened. It's really up to you, whether or not you should stay- you aren't really obligated though. Generally however, I'd rather leave a good impression in the event that I break up, as opposed to a bad one. Maybe ride out the remaining two weeks, spend some time to talk it out, hang out with each other without any drama and see what happens...
Your post seems to be slightly tinged by your feelings that it was largely his fault. I agree that the the break up sounds inevitable if something as minor as clothing escalated into full blown ultimatums. I think both of you were in the wrong for letting it escalate. He was being a little strict and demanding on the dress code, while you were being unnecessarily argumentative (notice you asked "Why?" when he gave his request before giving some reason of your own). You seem to be one who is quite dramatic by saying the relationship is over just because he's going to visit his brother without you or that you're going to be taking all your stuff immediately by the time he comes home. He seems to be more passive and conflict-averse, first trying to politely ask you to change clothes and later washing the dishes when things were heating up. I think one challenge was that you were living together the whole time, which meant you kind of felt stuck into certain habits and may have stayed in a relationship that would have ended sooner had you been independent. There was a recent article I read about this, where cohabitation can let things fester too long. As you know, it becomes hard to get space for yourself when all your things are intermixed.
There are clearly major communication issues here, and I concur with the other posters that both of you are in the wrong as far as the ideal way of handling this, but I would further concur with Resu that you are the one who escalated it. Honestly, if someone said to me "You know it's over" over something as minuscule as that, I'd take him at his word, because -- and here I'm going to be harsh -- it's a chickenshit, manipulative thing to do. Clearly it wasn't meant to be a real threat, otherwise you wouldn't have called him and essentially begged him to give you a way out of the ultimatum you gave him, which he took. So for you... you've got a bunch of self-work to do. I don't mean that to be harsh or insensitive, but it's clear that in this case (and I'd guess, probably in at least some other situations) you go for drama and manipulation to try and get what you want, and it sounds like you aren't interested in compromise until you have no other choice. That being the case, if I were your boyfriend, I'd be totally ready to be done, because I wouldn't want to stick around, even if somebody's trying to work on it. That sort of thing doesn't change overnight. If you are going to try to make it work, then I'd be pretty adamant in suggesting that you get into therapy and start working on the communication and control issues. They're going to interfere in almost any circumstance, with him or anyone else. Your boyfriend clearly also has similar issues, though it's unclear to me whether it's more shallow/shame-based (a genuine fear of "what people will think" if you're wearing 'inappropriate clothes") or if it, too, is a control/manipulation game. The circumstances aren't the problem; but they are indicative of a much bigger and deeper problem. Whether it's solvable depends on how willing you and he are to do the work -- and both of you will need to really, actively work on it, as these are issues that take time and effort to change. The good news is, though, if you put the effort in, I think you'll find yourself in a much, much happier place, whether it's with him or with someone else who is healthier.
