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Advice please !!!

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Peterpiper, Apr 27, 2014.

  1. Peterpiper

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    Ok so background, I'm a guy who's not out right now .
    what I need is advice with regards a co worker of mine .
    Basically , one of my co workers called me up to go to a house party, I decided not to drink due to medications I'm on but one of co workers who I always thought was cute was extreeeeeeeeeeemly drunk/ under the influence of I'm not sure what else.
    Basically what happend was I was helping take care of him because he could barley walk or form sentences . But when we were alone he basically muttered " I'm gay " and I kind of ignored it at first . But then he looked at me and asked me if I were gay ! I told him no . Basically being nervous and all . And he kind of didn't say anything but demanded that I hug him and he basically was sitting there holding me and rubbing my back for quite a while . Borderline sexual lol . Or maybe it's just me . Anyways he kept telling me to hug him during the night and all. He's a really really nice guy . He also told this girl I was with that he was gay . And I saw him at work the next day and he told everyone he doesn't remember anything lol . He gave me his number today at work and told me we should go out again . Idk . He identifies at straight . I've been through this before with guys who identify as straight before and I told myself I wouldn't go for another guy unless he is gay and I know it forsure .. But he's so nice and cute .. I
    Basically I'm wondering if I should ask him when I see him if he remembers our convo ?
    And bring it up to him and maybe hint that I'm down lol. Or should I just forget it ?
    My guard is just up because we work together so that might make things really awkward . Sigh :frowning2: if I don't do it I know I will regret not finding out forsure tho .
    Thanks for listening, your advice would be greatly appreciated .
     
  2. Kabuki

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    I think you could ask him. Just keep in mind that he is not out to the others, so if he does tell you he is, don't go telling anyone, let it be him the one to take the step. Also, if you end up telling him as well, then you can just help each other. I'm sure you would like something more with him(from what you posted) and I suggest you wait a bit on that part, relationship between closeted people most of the time don't work out, unless both of you are willing to come out together, then that is an issue there.
     
  3. Chip

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    Hi.

    First, welcome to EC!

    This is a complicated situation. It seems pretty likely he's gay, but it also seems very likely that he may not even be fully accepting himself yet. So I think it's fine to go to lunch or something, but I'd tread gently and carefully.

    Also, it probably isn't fair to ask him to be vulnerable and talk about his own sexual orientation without disclosing your own, especially if you're more out or at least self-aware than he is. You could perhaps start with something like "So I'm sort of getting the idea that you might not be completely straight", and I've been thinking about that myself as well. That's a lot less threatening than asking if he's gay, and creates a "safe space" for him to own up to it. It might start a conversation, and then you could tell him what he told you the other night.

    As to whether it goes anywhere... it depends on where he is in his process. Keep in mind that dating someone who isn't out and isn't ready to be out isn't very fun or very healthy because there's a lot of sneaking around and being introduced as a "friend" and so forth.

    In any case, he could probably use a good friend who he knows will be OK with accepting him as he is, and you might be able to be that person.
     
  4. Peterpiper

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    Thanks so much for your responses.
    Basically , his culture has very strict anti - gay views so I know if he were to come out his family would definitely not accept him.
    Ya I agree , were both not out right now so I'm more looking for someone to talk to as well and just to help eachother out.
    It's just hard approaching these types of situations . :frowning2:
     
  5. WhiteShadows

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    I think it's pretty clear he's not straight... and he seems interested :slight_smile:
    Just call/text him sometime and ask him out (it doesn't even need to be phrased as a date or anything....)

    See how it goes :slight_smile:
     
  6. DangerAlex

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    Ever heard the expression "Drunk lips speak sober truths"? I think his telling you he is gay at that party was a strategic move on his part. When you didn't respond, he decided to go with the "Oh I was so drunk, I don't remember a thing" excuse. I guess it's possible that he doesn't remember, but I think he does because he came up to you and gave you his number the next day. So I think he's interested.

    Having said that, I still agree with some of the other things that have been said. You don't want to just askhim if he's gay outright. That's kind of abrasive and might deter him from admitting it. Many guys in the closet want to come out but are afraid of identifying as "gay" because of the stereotype. I think it would be a great idea to disclose your own confusion as it would be a great way to relate to each other and make him feel less on-the-spot.

    Good luck!
     
  7. Peterpiper

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    you guys are right . I think I'm just going to take it easy and not confront him directly . And yes I'm much more aware of my sexuallity and hae accepted it . It would be great if we could become friends and hopefully help eachother out . I'm not really looking for a relationship until I'm out and confterble with myself.
    Thanks everyone , I'll keep u updated. And any further advice would be awesome .