I'm gay , i accepted myself and i'm proud of who i am . But at the same time i believe it's wrong to be with a guy . I haven't had second thoughts about this till 2 days ago . I always thought that i'd live knowing that i might fall for a guy or even love someone but i'll manage to control my feeling and do nothing wrong . A friend came to visit me all the way from USA to Jordan to check on me after he knew I've had an accident (i'm doing fine now) . He arrived about 2 weeks ago and ever since he came he always goes with me to the physical therapy sessions , and we spend most of the time together. We used to be close friends back when i used to live there but we lost contact for a few years until we started chatting again on FB . I've always considered him just a close friend but it seems i was wrong . I've realized that in the last few days . (To be clear my friend is gay and out to everyone but his family) Any way 2 days ago we spend the night talking about everything including relationships and if there's someone in my life ,that's when he said he might have feelings for me then he kissed me , and i just pushed him away and told him it's wrong. Then we talked for about an hour about my believes and he disagreed with me . He then asked me if i feel anything towards him and i just kept silent that's when he kissed me again but this time i kissed him back ... it felt right for a few seconds but then i pushed away very hard and we had an argument ... i told him why did u do that when i've just told u that i believe it's wrong and all what he said is why did i kiss him back if it was wrong .... and i just said it was a mistake . He just repeated the word mistake and left . I haven't see him after that but he calls twice a day checking on me . He says he needs to spend sometime alone for a few days ... He will leave back to USA 2 weeks from now so i guess i might not see him again . Sorry for the long post but i needed to write it down . You might get confused about what i want from writing all of this , you have the right as i don't know myself .... Is it wrong or not ?! What should i do with my friend ?! And why is he acting like that ?! Am i going to suffer all my life wanting something that i can't have because it's wrong !
I think that actually many people especially religious people feel this way initially when they come to terms with being gay--OK, this is how I am, doesn't mean I have to do anything; it will just kind of be my cross to bear. I remember that I initially felt that way. I also remember what my mother said when I told her that for a while I had just decided that I would just have to be alone. Tears in her eyes, she held me close and said that she didn't understand all of this and how God must feel about all this but the one thing she was sure of was that God didn't intend me to be alone...
So you think that someday it won't be wrong anymore ! I don't know about that but who does anyway ! You might have a point after all .. And yes, i grow up in a very religious family who throw me away when i came out to them . You really have a great mum btw
